She left - My Story, First Post

[gogofo]

So I just got back from dropping kids off at Ws house, I picked them up from school and took them to my Grandma's birthday party. It was a nice evening with the family and my Grandma really loved the fact that the kids were there.

When I dropped the kids off I brought my good feeling self into the house and kept up my PMA. W and I had some small talk, told me about one of her professors calling her and telling her he was a little disappointed in her effort. I told her I hope he wasn't trying to break her spirit because she does not half ass anything, you know, trying to be supportive.

I asked her when her plane leaves on Saturday and said I would be at her place around 8 and she replies that she thought I was getting the kids on Friday not Saturday.

Our original schedule has me getting them on Saturday and I had plans to go out with my parents and aunt from out of town of Friday.

I tell her I had plans and she said she has to teach class that evening and her work winter party. So I tell her OK I will cancel my plans and get the kids because her work is important.

I was irritated at the moment, but didn't show it took much, but I am sure she noticed some disappointment on my face.

She said she would cancel her class, her students probably wouldn't mind, and not go to her work party.

Now this is where I thought, stay calm, and support her and her job. So I reiterate that "I will cancel my plans and take the kids, your job is important."

I don't know if this was the right move or not. Sometimes I feel that she is cake eating, but I love having the kids and I want her to know that I do support her. Also did not want to start an argument, and my job had dictated what her schedule was for the last 6 months we were together so I felt it is my turn now.

Good move or not?

I gave the kids tons of hugs and kisses and my oldest wanted to give me a "Card" which was a piece of mail he scribbled on. It was a bill so I couldn't take it and he was a little sad.

Then he runs into his room and brings me his Valentine's box he made at school and told me he made it for me and wanted me to have it. He was so proud of himself and grinning ear to ear.

I have never felt so much love like that in a long time. Made me choke up a little bit on my way out. Hell, I am still teary-eyed looking at it up on my dresser. Kids are the best.

[MrBond]

Stop seeing everything as a plan or ploy. Just do what you want to do. If you want to have the kids, then do it. If you don't, then don't.

[gogofo]

Bond

I don't think it was a plan or a switcheroo but they way I wrote it I could see how it could be interpreted that way.

I just need to remind myself that not every interaction, or decision made is life or death for the possibility of reconciliation.

[gogofo]

I followed the advice given by 25yearsmlc on another thread and watched the TED talk by Shawn Achor. I was completely inspired and immediately read his book "The Happiness Advantage". This book and its teachings will be a big 180 for me and my personality.

When the W and I first met I was optimistic and future thinking and fun to be around. After 9 years of chasing success and perfection in my job, I killed most of the happiness in my life. I couldn't even find happiness while on vacation.

This decline was noticed by the W and was mentioned during our BD talks when she said that our situation was more than the last 6 months of stress. I think this was in part due to my stress and unhappiness with myself.

I based by happiness on finding success instead of letting my happiness bring success. I am now in the process of finding happiness independent of my career.

The person my W fell in love with was not stressed, sad, and pessimistic; I also miss that person and will be working to rediscover an even better version of him.

I tried to make everything perfect and overly stressed about too many things out of my control. The book has a lot of perspectives and activities to teach me how to be happy outside of by career and to lower my stress inside of my career.

I have had comments that recently I have looked happier and look like I have been enjoying life more. It is nice to hear while going through such a hard time. My aunt who was in town last week even mentioned I was doing better than she had imagined.

[Wonka]

GOFO,

Just catching up here...and I'm really liking this ^^^^. Sounds like you have a plan in place to RECLAIM your true nature once again! Awesome!

[gogofo]

Our oldest niece is going to have a birthday trip to a hot springs for some swimming and my SIL asked if our two kids can join them. W tells me she is going with them for the weekend. This is an event where the whole family would have been invited if it were not for our S. I was not present for this conversation, the W told me after the fact.

The SIL does not have any resentment towards me and I have even spent time hanging at their house with my nieces. I assume I have not got the invite because of the possible awkwardness with the W and I right now.

This is a trip has brought up various emotions in me.

First I am upset that I was not invited, it makes me mad/sad and makes me feel like I am being excluded from family events. The separation effects more than just the W and I. This is something I would like to be there for.

I would like to be there to enjoy the swimming with my kids and my nieces and their family. I know it would be enjoyable for all.

We had done the same trip two years ago and I seemed that the W did not like it. She has a slight aversion to water when people are splashing and her face/head gets wet or goes under water. Plus out youngest was 10 months old and screamed all night in the hotel room. He was hard on us, particularly his mom, until he was about 20 months old. Made me stressed and sad. He would just scream when he was upset, sometimes for hours on end. It wasn't until an argument around BD that she said she enjoyed the trip, I was flabbergasted.

I also feel that it would be a situation for the W and I to be together with the kids and she would see the improvements that I have made. Not spending enough time with her family was also an issue and this would cover that.

What [censored] is that I don't feel like I could tell her that I want to attend and be there with the kids and her family and have fun with them that weekend. This would be pursuing and also be dealing with how I feel, not how she feels.

I feel like if I expressed this it would be going against the DR technique and the 37 rules.

I want to go and want to express my feelings on this, but I don't want to create more issues with our situation. We have not had a discussion about us since Feb 15 (which was heated and explain earlier in the thread), and that was the only time since starting DB.

I am frustrated and don't know what to do. I also don't think there is a right or wrong answer.

I will probably have to address my feelings and work through them so I don't send any progress backwards. The trip may not matter in the whole big scheme of things.

[gogofo]

I guess the best thing to do would be let the situation go by and hope that I will be missed. Maybe that will be better for our situation than hoping for a forced encounter so I can show off my improvements.

I get excited at my improvements and the changes I am making towards happiness and want to share them with my W. Little to no contact makes me anxious from time to time.

[gogofo]

Not much has changed in my situation in the last 5 days or so. I have been reading and working on myself, but little to no interaction between the W and I.

The only interaction between us lately has been phone calls or text message exchanges that involve the kids or bills. We do not even see each other when swapping the kids around as one of us will drop them off at school and the other will pick them up.

Is this good or bad or neutral? Having no contact, besides kid stuff, I assume gives her space and time which I assume is valuable and the best thing for us during the S.

This just feels flat out weird. I could foresee this pattern of non-interaction lasting weeks or months. Again, just weird when we have been around each other for 9 years.

The idea now is to allow her to heal, and possibly miss me, and take the time to decide how she feels without feeling pressure from me. Correct?

Through 180s and working on myself, if I am becoming a person only a fool would leave how is the W going to notice?

Is the next possible natural progression to my situation going to be the W initiating more contact?

[Buddy]

Giving her time and space and being patient is critical. It's also very difficult. I've been in the situation you're describing for 15 months. I'd like to hope your situation may move more quickly. On the other hand, "time is a gift". There is nothing fast about this. Over time, I have come to accept that for me, the time has been valuable. For the first 3 or 4 months, I didn't get the scale of this as I didn't want to. I wasn't DBing, I wasn't a good partner then (and prior - obviously). Time has helped me, and it will you too. I'd like to hope it would help your W too.

Now, after this time, I understand that the changes I make to improve are for me and that my old R is dead. I try not to dwell on, or pine for, what I've lost or losing. Instead I force my focus on my present and doing my best to make tomorrow better. On tough days, I focus on getting by hour-by-hour.

If I choose to stop standing, I want to be able to look back and say I tried my best. 2+ years doesn't seem that big to me in that context (despite the difficulties day to day).

Don't want to come across as a know it all gogofo. Your story and words move me & I want to support. Your doing everything right, just don't expect (or let the absence of) fast results dishearten you.

[gogofo]

This weekend wife had to teach class again but my MIL was sick so she couldn't take the kids. I went over to get the kids from her house early on Saturday morning and we actually had more of a conversation than usual.

We talked about her work and her doctoral classes and her spring break that is this week.

Then she actually asked me a question for the first time in two months. She asked how my grandma was feeling. I know it wasn't a question about myself, but this is the first question about anything associated with me. It was something new for her.

Then this weekend she sent me an email with a link to a short movie from Spain, where her family is from, with the message "I thought you might like this." Again, the first "friendly" email in two months.

Then last night when I sent a text about how the kids were, her family has been sick along with the kids at day care and the W was sick too, she started to offer up some details about herself. She even sent me 8 pictures of the kids with the last one being a picture of her with our youngest asleep on her shoulder. Again, something new for her in the last two months. We had shared a couple pics of our kids, but none with ourselves in them.

On her last work trip she was supposed to meet a friend from college but was ditched. She also said she was "gone too long" which was rare to hear her say, especially for a 3 day trip.

Don't know if these changes will last or have anything to do with her last trip out of town. I think she may be thinking about our situation now and allowing some emotions to be felt.

I do realize that things can change today so I will just enjoy these different interactions as they were, different. Maybe in the future I can look back and see that it was the beginning of a change, but not getting hopes up.

I had an awesome weekend catching up with old friends and my brother to record a music video for a friends band. Good times and a great GAL weekend. I am just going to keep doing me.