Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[labug]

Feeling stuck lately….

I’m in a tough place with making changes for myself. A lot of the things I wrote about previously that I wanted to change are either attitudes (so, hard to demonstrate) or things that kinda require H to communicate/interact with me. Or, they aren’t sustainable if we were to R. Examples:
-Being more appreciative and admiring of H - kinda requires him to do things that I would admire or appreciate. He doesn’t cook, clean, do helpful things around the house besides shovel snow (hasn’t snowed in a while…) tell me about his day or work or soccer or anything else he does, so it’s hard to find things to compliment him on besides how he looks/what he’s wearing and I don’t want it to be overdone. I’m not going to stretch it just to be complementary and say something like “Wow, good job on winning 3 FIFA games in a row on XBox!”

Now that's funny!

-Being on the same “team” or side as H in conversation. In the past when he’d complain about his boss or other things he was unhappy about I tended to play devil’s advocate and say “well I can kind of see their point, you DID do this…” I want to change this dynamic but I can’t do it unless he actually TALKS to me.
-Not questioning/commenting/criticizing on where he’s going, when, or who he’s with. Right now I just ignore when he leaves or is gone and don’t say anything. This isn’t sustainable, and I don’t want to give the wrong idea that this is how it would still be if we were to R - I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation in a healthy M that you let your spouse know if you’re going out and in a vague way at least who you’re with (“I’m going out with some people from work after work, don’t wait for me for dinner” I’d be perfectly happy with), or that you won’t be home at the normal time. This isn’t an unrealistic expectation for normal people, is it??

No, it's not unreasonable but you're not in a healthy marriage right now. I don't understand the "I don't want to give him the wrong idea"???

I feel like I’m just ignoring it right now just to “get him back” but then when I start asking or saying things like “could you please write out your weekly schedule on the calendar so I know what days you’ll be home for dinner?” that it’ll be back to the “same old” and he’ll feel tricked.

I think you're jumping way too far ahead.
If you get into another R with him, then you can address those things as needed.

Trusting him. Well, I can only trust him so much if he doesn’t tell me where he’s going, has all of his accounts and phone on lock-down, etc.

What is there to trust right now? He sees himself as single, on the way to D.

Am I just not looking hard enough to find the changes I should make that are purely about me and NOT about how I interact with him? I’ve read and re-read a couple of books on codependency and am re-thinking my mindset in regards to that… but I really don’t know what else. I try talking with my IC about it and he says I’m doing way above and beyond what I should be concerned about, and that this is really more about my H’s issues, not any issues I think I have. When I bring up how I get jealous/anxious about H’s whereabouts and who he’s with, IC says “but you described X, Y, and Z time where he broke your trust and wasn’t remorseful. I don’t think your reactions are inappropriate.” How can I dig deeper?

Maybe you've dug as far as you need to at this point. Your T is probably on to something.

You can't change your H. Either he'll respond to your changes or he won't. It's not the goal of DB to turn you into a Stepford Wife. Your changes should only be things you know within yourself that you need to work on in order to have a happy life.

If you're happy with you, relax, enjoy life. If he wants to walk away from the awesomeness that is you, that's his loss.

If you know you still have things to work on then do that but make it about you. Once you feel good about yourself and are able to like/love yourself, you'll attract people who can like/love you.

I also feel stuck with the situation in general. I told myself not to do anything until March 15. I was thinking about temp checking on that date if nothing has changed but I think I need to know what I’d DO with that information if I were to do that besides just knowing for the sake of knowing (like, if H says “oh yes, I’m still planning on divorcing you, just haven’t gotten around to that” then I’d need to be able to say “OK, well I’m going to move forward with it because I want to move on with my life, and here’s how that will go..”) No point in asking otherwise. But I am starting to move towards being tired of this situation and thinking that leaving/starting the filing process would be better than whatever this is. I could move out, not be responsible for the mortgage, get my own place and set it up how I want, buy my own car with the money I’d get from the equity (I’m borrowing a piece of junk from my parents with 170,000+ miles on it), and not have to see H on a daily basis reminding me that I’m living with someone who no longer loves me. The L I spoke with rec’d getting all of the settlement agreement done and turned in with the actual petition to file, so that way everything can be effective right away. It takes at least 4 months before the D to be final so there’d still be time… and even after that, it can be torn up and the M restored immediately for up to 6 months after D is final. Or I could file for S, which would take care of the financial aspects, and then after a year either person could say “I want a D” and convert it immediately.

What things should I be asking myself or thinking about before temp checking/thinking of filing on my own to make sure I’ve left no stone unturned? My answer to “if he told you tomorrow he wanted to R, would you be interested?” is still yes, but not without a lot of work and stipulations on his part (IC/MC, NC w/ EA at work, etc.). Knowing what I know about my H I don’t know how likely those things are to actually happen. Someone posted in another thread about how their S’s attitude was that it should be “enough” that they came back. I could see H being like that. And pulling a “we’re just friends, she doesn’t even know I liked her that way, I can be friends with whoever I want” with the OW from work. I can’t really move out w/out filing unless I want to pay for my half of the mortgage AND rent, so it’s a catch-22 - I don’t see a solution.

There is a solution, you just don't like it.

What do you love about your H-not the H you met in the beginning, but the current version. What makes him a good match for you, right now, today?