WAW Said She's Done-pt.4- What Happened?

[LFC1170]

[b]"...I can assume whatever I want..."[/b]

I HATE this for an answer to a direct question! That's just playing games. PROVE IT!

[OneDay]

Mr, Bond, Zew, Sandi

YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING! Saying I knew about OM did not solve or settle anything. May have even made things worse.

This is so hard and I cant get my wife out of my head. I want her back so bad and im not even close to being detached.

I really need to look at myself. I need help.

[zew]

I'm very sorry you chose to do that the hard way. But I understand -- I did the same thing myself.
But now you should have a pretty good grasp on the fact that you have absolutely no control over what she does or how she rationalizes it, and that you must detach and focus on you and kids. Otherwise, you'll just tie yourself in knots.
You have to use the time to prepare yourself for whatever comes out the other end of this process, and that is really, really hard, because you want to imagine that it can only have a happy ending. It may or may not, and even if you do R, you need to be better at M than you are now.
I used to think that these just sounded like a bunch of platitudes, but really when you stop doing what is known not to work, and start focusing on what has had impact in success stories, you're pretty much left with Detach, GAL, improve you, shore up the R with your children.

[OneDay]

I'm very sorry you chose to do that the hard way.

Story of my life.


So WAW took off off @ 10:20pm tonight, to go see OM im guessing. It was so hard not to say where are you going or what are doing. I just said goodbye with a half smile. I know what she's doing and it feels horrible.

WAS really don't care or think they are doing anything wrong do they? This is so hard and I've only know about OM for a month now.

Alright Im going to throw this out there and hope you guys help me with this....

...I know WAW can do what she chooses, but it feels like Im helping to facilitate this A with OM. It feels like I'm just rolling over, and might as well be saying sure go out, have fun, enjoy OM.

Im sure someone will tell me different, as I'm having a hard time rationalizing this.

[nit84]

WAS are gonna do what they're going to do. You can't stop that. By detaching and picking yourself up off the floor. It will do 2 things

1.) You will become way less needy, clingy and weak. Your WAW is looking for a strong man. That is what they are attracted to. Only you can make sure that you are as strong and attractive as possible by following DB principles.

2.)It will help you get your W and your M off your mind. It will get easier as you GAL and detach.

Remember, Your W chose this you did not force her to do this. Whats done is done as far as your confronting her about this A.

If you continue to badger her about it it will drive her further away. These A almost always come to an end. Patience is a very good friend right now for you.

Take this time to improve yourself so when/if it ends you will be someone your W will take notice of again.

You are the logical choice for her because you are the Father of her children. Take advantage of this time to help yourself. It will pay off down the road no matter what happens.

Read the success stories in DR again. An A is not a death sentence to a M. With hard work from both of you there can be a new R somewhere down the road.

Your W is on a journey right now, nothing you do can stop that at the moment. Once you can come to grips with that you will be able to start to work on yourself.

In her mind she is not doing anything wrong, You telling her is not going to make her stop.

hang in there!!

[OneDay]

Thanks nit. I've been trying to detach and GAL. Somedays I feel great and other absolutely horrible about what's happening.

The thing is our first mediation is quickly approaching. If everything gets settled in mediation we could be divorced in a month or so. This marathon has a time limit and I cannot stop that. I know there is always a chance for R after a D, but I'm not sure I can hold out that long. I don't know how some of you guys do it for as long as you have. I feel like I'm playing the fool by letting her run around with OM.

I know it's been said before but this is not the women I once knew. She looks the same, has the same voice, but is a different person now. I'm beginning to wonder If I even like this new person.

I'm so confused about what to do. I'm seriously contiplating telling her she needs to move out. My mind is telling me it will be easier without her here. That I will be able to move on.

[Lostforwords]

Oneday,

First....you have to start listening and hearing what is said here. You are not doing it....and it is costing you.

Second....If you want to save the marriage, why are you pushing the filing still? Seriously man...I want to save my marriage but I filed the divorce paperwork. That is just unorthodox if you ask me.

Third...addressing the affair after you have read time and time again it only makes matters worse. Sounds to me like you want to control things.....How is that going?

Fourth...This is my big hang up. You take care of those kids regardless of what your wife is doing!!!! Kids come first period....by watching them you are not doing stuff for your wife.....YOU ARE BEING a parent taking care of your kids!!!!

Dude...I can go on and on, but I don't have the time.

You need to decide....ae you going to DB or not?

[ericmsant2]

Oneday,

I am catching up on your sitch. Reading from the begining. I wander over to your thread after you lovely post on mine. I will answer the question you raised on my thread later.

I have a lot to post so bear with me.

I wanted to pop in to let you know that I am going to start to follow your sitch. I think I can help you.

I have a LOT more to post to you, which I will get to later on, once I finish reading every one of your post.

I see a LOT of the old me in YOU. A lot. I want to let you know that so far from what I have read, I think their is HOPE. A lot of HOPE for YOU.

That said, from what I have read so far, you are comming across as a pissed off, spoiled, drinking, selfish, paranoid, worried about his own arse and scared chitless about his finances person. You appeared to be very insensative to your W and really did not give a rats arse how she felt. It was ALL about YOU.

I think LFW, said it best. Are you going to DB or NOT? That is the first question you need to answer. Personally, I would suggest trying to DB. Just my opinion.

You are so scared right now, I can see it but I wonder if you are just scared about losing your W, who by what I have read so far was a pretty good wife or you are really scared for yourself. Who you are? What are you gonna do?

For now, do yourself a huge favor and STFU - stop talking to your W about the D, stop bring up OM, simply STFU.

You have only been at this for a short period of time.

It looks like you were a knucklehead for 9 years and your W tolerated it. It will take more than a few months to turn this around.

So OneDay - are you ready? Are you ready to STFU and listen? Are you ready to be pushed? Are you ready to give it your all to try and save your M?

For better or worse....in sickness and in health...

Seems like your W lives these ^^^ for 9 years. I personally, think you owe it to YOURSELF to try it as well - at least for more than a few months.

Oh...and before you tell me she is banging someone, which you did not do - consider this...she may be banging someone - you...well you just hung out with a bottle.

I'll be back to post to you later today.

God Bless,
Eric

[ericmsant2]

Oh...and BTW,

Before you respond and tell me to go F myself...here is a little homework assignment.

Go read my threads...start from the begining. You can find me thread over at MLC entitled "My Life now...".

Read it...you will see some of the same behaviors that I see in you.

[ericmsant2]

OneDay

IMO, the reason that you are having such a hard time detaching is that you never really respected your W. Yes you loved her but did you respect her? Respect her as YOUR partner? Did you ever listen to her? Did you ever validate her? Did you even know HOW to respect her (personally, I think this is the biggest issues – you never knew)

Before you answer let me show you a few things using YOUR words….

First, I believe part of you knew this was coming. Ya just didn’t think she would pull the plug. You didn’t respect her enough.

First…the problems….[b]

I completely admit that our marriage was not the greatest.

She has been asking me for a few years to stop drinking and dipping and that we needed to get help.

Few [b]YEARS….NOT months. Are you really willing to work at this for YEARS….knowing that you have a slim chance of turning this around? This get to the DB or not to DB question that Lost for words asked you.

Now just so everyone knows I would have 3-5 drinks every night, yes every night.

And how many times did she tell you to stop? How many? Don’t answer…you already did.

She would tell me that she hates that I drink so much and we need to get help, but that's as far as it went.

“that’s are far as it went” – what did you expect her to do? Was she supposed to slap you upside the head and take aways the bottle? Hell even if she did, would have owned your problem? Did you respect her enough to listen, if she took it farther?

I would tell her all the time that she just has to get over it and deal with it.

I am going to counseling and trying to be more patient around her and the kids, trying to listen to her better and find out if there is anything she needs of me. I wake up early now and help with the morning kid routine (something I never use to do before)

I would tell her all the time that she just has to get over it and deal with it

Honestly all of the above went on for YEARS and started getting really worse the last 2-3 years.

She laid it out and said how all my little/big jabbs over time has hardened her heart and she cannot come out of that.[quote]

[quote]When she really tried to talk to me that I didn't care and told her Im going to do what I want to do and for her to get over it now.

I told her I was coming home and she did not like that at all.

You probably should not left at all but since you did…you totally said to her F you with this action. You TOLD her.

I would get frustrated and Yell Strongly at the boys (in her defense) but she mentioned she did not like that at all.

Here she goes again…telling you what her issues were.

I know I was wrong and my actions/choices were horrible.

I know I had a problem with drinking and part of me has to thank her for the D wake up call

You knew it but never did anything about it. Can you really start to see and understand why she…..after…just a few months in NOT BEGGING you to come home. Years….OneDay…Years…she tolerated YOU for YEARS.

This morning really set it off, She told me she forgot she had an appointment with a job recruiter today (news to me) and the kids were going to be at her Moms. She asked If I wouldn't mind picking them up after I get off work. I paused for a moment and said Uhmmm, cant you just do it after your done. She said I guess, just didnt know what time it would be.

To sum up the problems….bullying her, drinking, ignoring her, doing what YOU wanted to do, not respecting her, invalidating how SHE felt, you were not much help with the kids. Hell even when she asked you to pick them up, you posted how upset you were and how inconsiderate she was.

So with chit going downhill (at least that is probably how she was feeling) she attempts to warn you, to express her hurt, to express how helpless she felt…[b]

When she mentioned we needed help, I would tell her that she could go get help,

Aww…how sweet…You pretty much should have told her – I don’t give a rats as* about how you feel.

She did tell me several times that if things don't change and we don't get help that this relationship is going to end bad.

So even after YEARS of warning you…..she still tried to warn you…still try to get it through your head that she was hurting..and hurting BAD.

I admit my WAS told me several times that we need help BADLY and we really need to get counseling.

She is a good Christian women who has a strong faith and enjoys church very much. (Me, not as much).

As you pointed out…she was a good Christian women. You bullied her One Day. You pushed her around.

[b] When the warnings did not work…..

that she started the initial filing with an Attorney

As of today she said she complete the initial filing for divorce and that someone would be contacting me about the papers.

my wife told me she wanted a divorce. (I actually pulled it out of her because all she could say is she was done).

Notice what happened…..”you pulled it out of her”. Couldn’t you have waited, couldn’t you have give her the time she needed? Do you see a pattern here.

And once she filed…well then now you were really pissed. So you try to push back and bully her – something it appears that you are used to and she ain’t going for it. So OneDay, do you want to save this….cause if you do as I mentioned before, pour yourself a big glass of STFU and start working on your issues. Here are YOUR words since she filed…

It actually got a little heated about the D papers and how she made plans for me to pick them up.

And well…it seems that she decided to finally stand up for herself.

then she called later that day and said we are sleeping in separate rooms

She is calling all the shots and I dont know how to act feel etc. She is in FULL BUSINESS mode, I feel I need to act that way too.

Doesn’t feel good does it…you know being bullied. She is in control now and your really don’t like that do you? Ask yourself…how long did you have control? How long did she do what YOU wanted to do?

You see we never had a Hard Talk about the reason for this Divorce and I never thought we were going to so, I initiated it!

Another example of you IMPOSING YOUR will on her. “I initiated it!”….So how that work out for you?

I found and still find my wife extreeeeeeemly attractive and would try to initiate sex often, (which didnt usually work)

Here is another one….YOU tried to initiate. Ever think about her?

feel like Im being walked on here.

Your going to feel like this…you are not used to HER making her own choices. Right?


And when bullying her did not work…ya tried guilt…you tried other tactics to GET YOUR WAY.

she said "What do you think 5 weeks fixes years worth of craziness" I told her no, I dont think it fixed anything but I was still coming home and I did.

Here she is…in one way giving you some hope. Saying to you that she needed more than 5 weeks to fix years of damage.

Also Since I've been home she states I've been distant, sitting out back and no one knows where you are, taking off for walks, telling me your running out for a bit and not saying were. I said is this really that big of a deal? "WE ARE GETTING A DIVORCE REMEMBER"!

Hey if manipulation doesn’t work…why not try a little guilt..


Once you realized that guilt or other tactics did not work…well then, that is when FEAR really set in..

Im also worried about D day and my finances. (not that we have that much money) but...

So…are you worried about your funds more than her feelings?

and she will be buying presents for her family with, at-least some of my money.

More money worries….

OneDay…I know the above probably hurts man. You may be pissed at me right now. It’s okay..I want you to really understand what are facing. You need to realized that you have a long road ahead of you. One that I believe with 100% of my heart that you will take…the question is still the same….

Do you want to save your M? Do you want to save yourself? Do you want to become the best person you can be? Do you want to finally fix the schiz in your life that is not working? Do you want to feel better?

I have only looked at one of your threads, but I need to know…

How bad do you want this?

For better or for worse….YOU DECIDE.

I can do my best to help you try and save this OR I can try and help you get D’d. Lemme know which one you want help with.

If you want to save your M…..then the first thing you need to do is FIX YOU. Once and for ALL. No quick fixes…buddy…no tell me something that makes me feel better. Nope.

I see something in you man, I see a lot of hope, I see someone that want to fix himself.

You ready?