still hopeful... no matter where life takes me

[juliegayle]

I have had a few days to process something that happened and I justWwant to get it out of my head. I have watched (read) several folks on this board hit the moment when they truly realize what no expectations means. I have had my moment. Wow. I hadn't realized that I did still hold onto some expectations of H as a parent or human being. We are truly talking NO expectations.

Tues night s was sick.fever, head ache vomiting. I reach out and text h that s is sick and wants to talk to him. An hour later s is still crying for him so I let him leave a message. 2 hours after that the pediatrician says that we should go to ER to be evaluated because of an underlying medical condition. (He was fine in end but they feel always better to err on the side of precaution). I leave h a message that we are going to ER.

An hour after that my phone died and I use visitor phone in lobby. H finally answers and said he just got message. I EXPECTED him to sound more concerned. I EXPECTED him to leave wherever he was to come be with his son. I EXPECTED him to at least call the nurses station and ask for me to get an update.

Move ahead to 3 am. Hours of xray and MRI and blood work. H shows up glaring at me asking why I didn't answer my phone. (I told you battery died) why didn't I go to another phone to call him. (Once in room you can't leave your child unattended) He says this is all my fault because I was sick the day before. (What??)

He then said he was there now so I could leave. I said after a whole night of cleaning up throwup and comforting s and holding his hand when he was scared I wasn't going to leave now. H said "do you think that makes you special" I said "no it makes me a parent who was there" (was that wrong to say?)

I had already got work covered for next day. H decided to call out as well. I EXPECTED him to spend time with s. Wrong again. He was out most of day.

Funny thing is that he has been much nicer to me last few days. Maybe guilt? No idea no mind reading. But I am not going to EXPECT anything from it.