Ugh. Guilty as charged. I had a hard time letting things go with my H. His apologies were rarely apologies. Most often he would defend himself and argue the point for a long while before "giving in" and apologizing. And would then be resentful about it (written all over his face and his behavior). I wanted a genuine apology so I would keep beating a dead horse.
There sure are a lot of things I would do differently if I could do it over again. I'm not sure they would have made a difference in the end result, but you never know.
Great point, 25. Something to remember going forward.
Oh, and 25, I haven't emailed my H just yet - decided to wait until after TKD. I don't know how he will react but based on past experience, I don't want to risk getting scowled at for an hour. So maybe I'll add in some of your script.
It's a hard balance bc if I say anything other than facts my H tends to attack whatever it is; but if I say nothing he attacks based on his (worst case scenario) assumptions. Maybe I'll just act "as if" he will respond nicely regardless.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I don't want to focus on my H being a so-and-so, and I'm not blaming him for everything, but I just want someone to check me on this.
Am I reading into something when I view his emails/texts as antagonistic?
"I'm not trying to be a pain in the ass, but I thought I sent you a proposal a month and a half ago."
The other day, we were talking and got distracted from the topic at hand. When we steered the convo back around, I said, "OK, what were you saying about X?" and he said, "I believe I asked you a question." Then a few minutes later, "can you scroll back to find it or do I need to repeat it?"
I ask bc I used to say, "H, it's very antagonistic when you say always of never or 'As I have already said . . .', etc." He told me that's the way he talked and I should get over it.
Sometimes when I think of how dysfunctional (on both ends) some of our conversations were, I wonder how we stayed married asking as we did.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
25, that is very true about apologies. I'm always amazed at how easily a child forgives after being told "I'm sorry" . Beginners mind indeed.
This is a big teaching point to other dads for me. I encourage them to apologize when they mess up with their kids (raising their voice, losing their patience, not paying enough attention, as examples), and to askforforgiveness.
Not just because it's the right thing to do, not just because it sets a great example for their children to see that even the king of the castle makes mistakes and must atone for them, but also because it's a LEARNING moment on how to forgive. You can literally see the progression of forgiveness on a child's face when you ask for it, when he or she goes from accepting your apology, to having compassion for you, to wiping the slate clean. It's an amazing event to be a part of.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
"I probably would have said something about how "since the original proposal numbers were far off what your recently hired L believes to be fair, (esp since the partnership interest was not factored in...) but sure, you'll send it on over to your L for their any additional feedback."
Why do I differ from 25, you ask? It is because by using these words, you're giving H ammo to charge ahead and twist it around to make it in such a way that you're the one that is making this process difficult. Be damned if you dare to EVEN suggest that H's numbers are voodoo! I just can see where H would get all hot and bothered by this comment.
Which is why I lke this vanilla response:
H, thanks for getting back to me on this. Yes, I do have the proposal you sent a while back. Please give me your L's email address and a phone number so my L can get in touch with him/her regarding your proposal. Thanks. M
How can H argue with this text? There's nothing for H to counter back or arugue back with right there.
Thanks, W. My L and his L have already spoken, so I would just say I will send it to my L.
You would think that he would have nothing to argue with on that response, but, knowing my H, he will be pissed off that I am sending it to my L, and will think that I am being a PIA anyway.
There is basically nothing I can do or say that won't piss him off, other than, "H, that sounds great. That is such a fair and gracious proposal, and I am so grateful that you are such a saint and a martyr, and are handling this whole situation with such grace and honor. Let's put this all in writing and get this D finished ASAP."
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
"H, that sounds great. That is such a fair and gracious proposal, and I am so grateful that you are such a saint and a martyr, and are handling this whole situation with such grace and honor. Let's put this all in writing and get this D finished ASAP."
H, thanks for getting back to me on this. Yes, I do have the proposal you sent a while back. Please give me your L's email address and a phone number so my L can get in touch with him/her regarding your proposal. Thanks. M
Modified:
H, thanks for getting back to me on this. Yes, we do have the proposal you sent a while back. I'll have my L get in touch with yours on this. Thanks. M
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Then instruct your L not to contact you until you get back after your vacation. You do not need the distraction at all.
I might just say I'll send it to my L. I've already let my L know that I want to let H do the work, and that starts with him getting his financial info submitted. My L has already told me he can't advise me on any proposed settlement until he has all the financial info (mine and H's) and until H's partnership interest has been valued. I will send it to him, though, so he knows what my H is thinking.
I'm also tempted to ask him if he is as committed to this proposal as he was the last time he proposed to me.
Oops. Betsey said we have to keep those to ourselves.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
