Still Together & Trying To Work It Out!

[Azagtoth]

No you're not piecing. Piecing is where the WAS actively and consistently does everything they can to encourage the marriage.

Right now you have WAY too much talking. How about doing something spontaneous. Don't TALK about love, passion, etc. Just do it. Act as if you were dating her for the first time. How did you spark her interest then? Do the same.

MrBond,

Thanks for the feedback. The talking only occurs when SHE brings it up and I agree, I should have limited the discussion. Will definitely back off of these unless in MC/IC in session. I have to walk a fine line between DBing and following guidance from our therapist.

As far as the dating, yes, I have been doing this and I do mix it up so that we don't do the same things over again and get stagnant. Some of things we have done in past 6 months:

- Regular "date night" on Fridays (sometimes switch it to Saturdays just so we can relax after a hard week). Usually go out to eat at a different restaurant each time and different activities (dancing, movie, local attraction, etc). I arrange everything & get the sitter for D10.
- Signed us up for ballroom dancing lessons; just did one day and said "we're going" (already had a sitter set up & lessons paid for). Something wife always wanted to do; I was always skeptical. Has turned out to be really fun and we both enjoy it! Have focused on swing dancing and is a blast and good exercise.
- Shooting; wife expressed interest in this and took some shooting lessons. I have always liked to shoot. We do this occasionally and both really enjoy it. She gets a bit competitive with me on this!
- Going out with friends (dinner & clubs). do this with a specific group once a month.
- Took her out to one of "my" hang outs one night she never been to; just kind of surprised her with it. She actually enjoyed it and we been back twice (at her request) since then and had a good time!
- She invites me to go do her things too; just different things to hang out and spend time together.
- She is not the "outdoors" type so taking her hunting with me and things like that wouldn't work. We do enjoy historical stuff (museums, historical sites, etc) antiques, upcycling things, etc and have been doing things like this together. She is a "nester" so home projects / improvements are things we do together.
- I surprise her with dinner ofteen; I usually get the "i'm not really hungry" comment. I just say "ok" and cook anyway. Almost every time she eats something anyway and positive comments. I try to experiment with new recipes out if my comfort zone to mix it up.

Some of the above items are new and some are things we did together dating. My wife's LL is definitely QT & AoS. These are things I slacked on a lot over the years so, I do try to mix it up when I can, but I know she enjoys the time together and doing about anything together! This is really what pulled us together; it never really mattered as long as it was quality time together!

One of the things I have been doing is actively listening when we talk about general things (work, current events, home related items, etc....nothing R related). Being the "fixer", I always wanted to "solve" the problems. I don't do that anymore; I listen, validate, empathize. I found this relaxes her and sets the tone for good interactions for the rest of the evening. I found she has become interested in my day and asks often how things are and how my day went. I share it all with her.

I am planning a vacation for us; we haven't vacationed together forever due to both our work. I dropped a subtle hint that we need to "get away" for a week and just go do something fun over spring break / early summer when D10 goes to G-ma's for a month. Not letting her know what it is or where! We'll see how that goes. Also planning a surprise outing at an amusement park very soon with her & D10. One of those "get in the car and don't ask" type of things!


Azagtoth