Working on Divorce Busting every Day!

[2ndTimeHurt]

Wow. He wants 50/50 over an infant?!?! That's crazy. I'm a guy and basically am the primary of our son. It kills me that it is this way. Little kids should be with their mother more.

I believe he just feels entitled and has no clue what it's like to care for an infant.

[labug]

I applaud you for continuing the nursing relationship in this tough time. It does keep you 7mo old secure knowing that you will be there. Some like to think infants don't take in these things, but they do.

Does your attorney know you're still nursing? It's akin to denying medical care. I know courts don't often see it as a health issue, but it is.

Most of the legal stuff written on this encourages flexibility and acknowledging the importance of the child's bond with both parents. Can you H see the baby for short periods more often rather than a large block of time? That would best suit the needs of the baby.

Interesting that your H is a politician. This is not a very politic action.

It's a tough spot for everyone.

(((mic)))

[labug]

Google A Journey through Breastfeeding and Visitation

[Mic]

Thanhks labug. That article really helped. It again showed me overly fair I am being to my H. I think the mediator might say that too. Even his attorney thinks I am being generous. Hence one of the reasons I believe the judge pushed for mediation. She's getting tired of dealing with him. My opinion anyways - LOL:)
Went to his well visit and he lost a 1 lb.:( Not good. I asked the doctor if he felt the stress of the separation was hard on him. He said it would not bother him at all. I believe babies can feel stress and I do know in the future he will wonder why his dad who always wanted a son decided to leave his family when he was only 3 months old. That is on my H and not me. I truly feel that no matter how much time he now spends with them he left his family. We are not the same nuclear unit that we once were. I can't worry about the repercussions to my H.
To show how he does not understand this he actually put in his shared parenting plan that he deserves more time because I come up to nurse every day and get to see the children on my off days, and thats just not fair. Ummm -Kay If he had boobs he could nurse too.LOL And I'm not going to be nursing forever but it is only fair I give my youngest the same as the other two. This article will also give me leverage in not allowing him to take them on a week long vacation away from me this year. I wanted him to wait till next year. The 2 year old is already having a horrible time every time I leave, along with following me from room to room. He states she is fine as soon as I leave (as long as he bribes her with candy). The 6 year old has never been away from me more than 2 days.
Again I feel that yes he can and did leave but there are consequences to your decisions. Just because you choose to end a marriage does not mean that you get everything you want and everyone is suddenly happy.
To be honest if he came to be today and said lets get back together I woulden't do it. Is it crazy to hope that this goes on for a year and then we work on reconciling. I am learning so much about myself and GAL and how to be the wife I should have been and the woman I want to be. Not to hurt my kids but I know myself and I think at this point if we got back together we would just be in the same situation a few years down the road. Not that R is on the table at all. He finally told his closest friends we are getting divorced. I had already told my friends but he didn't want anyone to know.
I still am DBing and praying that the final divorce does not go through but I am learning so much about myself in the process.

[labug]

Went to his well visit and he lost a 1 lb.:( Not good. I asked the doctor if he felt the stress of the separation was hard on him. He said it would not bother him at all. I believe babies can feel stress and I do know in the future he will wonder why his dad who always wanted a son decided to leave his family when he was only 3 months old. That is on my H and not me.

Yes, true, painful, difficult. Read the article again, you need to be a rock and you can do that. Your job for your babies is to create a R with your H in which you can provide what's best for the kids.

Make an appt with a lactation consultant to help you with the weight issue.

I truly feel that no matter how much time he now spends with them he left his family. We are not the same nuclear unit that we once were. I can't worry about the repercussions to my H.
To show how he does not understand this he actually put in his shared parenting plan that he deserves more time because I come up to nurse every day and get to see the children on my off days, and thats just not fair. Ummm -Kay If he had boobs he could nurse too.LOL And I'm not going to be nursing forever but it is only fair I give my youngest the same as the other two. This article will also give me leverage in not allowing him to take them on a week long vacation away from me this year. I wanted him to wait till next year. The 2 year old is already having a horrible time every time I leave, along with following me from room to room. He states she is fine as soon as I leave (as long as he bribes her with candy). The 6 year old has never been away from me more than 2 days.

Yes, he's clueless but that's the marriage you had. We really can't fault him for the role he played anymore than we can for the role you played. I take men to task when they come to this board with "My wife doesn't work, she just stays home with the kids and I pay for everything. She needs to get a job."

Had the 2 or you discussed his inability to give more time to the family?

Again I feel that yes he can and did leave but there are consequences to your decisions. Just because you choose to end a marriage does not mean that you get everything you want and everyone is suddenly happy.

This is true but consequences aren't your job. Get a journal and whenever you feel that anger coming up, write it all out, everything you'd like to say, the names you would like to call him. Write, write, write.

I know you're very busy with kids but can you fit in some meditation or yoga. Even meditating for 10 minutes every day can help reduce your stress. Exercise is also important.

To be honest if he came to be today and said lets get back together I woulden't do it. Is it crazy to hope that this goes on for a year and then we work on reconciling. I am learning so much about myself and GAL and how to be the wife I should have been and the woman I want to be. Not to hurt my kids but I know myself and I think at this point if we got back together we would just be in the same situation a few years down the road. Not that R is on the table at all. He finally told his closest friends we are getting divorced. I had already told my friends but he didn't want anyone to know.

This is all excellent.

I still am DBing and praying that the final divorce does not go through but I am learning so much about myself in the process.

Just a thought, how about asking for what is best for you and your children.

This is going to be very difficult but you have it in you to do this.

Focus on you because if you can take care of you, the kids will be fine.

[Mic]

Thank you labug.
We did discuss how he never had time for his family. He was always working. Since the separation(I guess the lawyers said we are now separated and waiting on the divorce.) he has truly stepped up in regards to doing activities with the kids.
So proud of myself today. We had a couple of issues regarding the way he dresses my oldest. Dad's have no clue about fashion. Lol and in regards to the way and when he does her homework.
In the past and this is one of my biggest faults in the marriage. I ALWAYS ran to my mom and told her (Yes I was 30 when we got married and an only child - Working on not needing mothers approval in IC) Today it crossed my mind to call my mom but I did not. I prayed for a minute and then wrote him a text regarding these two issues. I am beginning to realize the only two people in the marriage or at this point discussions regarding children should be me and him. I was polite and respectful - One of my other issues that I needed to work on. He agreed on the clothing and disagreed on the homework. I told him I would speak to our daughter regarding the homework so him and I were on the same page and I went with his thoughts. It was something little I want it done in the afternoons after school, he wants it done in the mornings before school. Total 180 for me. In the past I would have 1st never brought it up after complaining to my parents about him. 2. If he gave a suggestion I would have been passive/aggressive and probably still did things my way no matter what he said.
I did tell him I understand that this is the best time of his life, but I am in the praying and figuring out how to move on with the next steps of my life.
He did comment back: "This is hardly the best time of my life"

[Mic]

As for GAL - I continually have lunch/dinner with girl friends. I also just emailed about signing up for a glassblowing class. Art is not my forte so very outside my comfort zone but seems fun. I also am getting ready to sign up for an indoor rock climbing class. Trying to do very different activities than I normally would:)

[labug]

Working on not needing mothers approval in IC

Me too and mine's been dead for 4 years! Keep working at it, you'll get there.

New mantra, My way is not automatically the best way, it's just my way.

Please take this in the spirit it's offered, we often handicap our H's in the R because we think they do everything wrong because they don't do it the way we do it. Let him do things the way he wants, unless it's actually hurting the kids. Kids are supposed to have a different R with the father and mother. You may find that as time goes on and he doesn't feel judged, he may ask you for advice.

There's a great book called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It-it might be helpful for you even tho you're separated and might D, you're going to have this man in your life for a long time.

Knowing how to communicate with him will make the next 21 years much easier.

Good GAL.

[AnotherStander]

As for GAL - I continually have lunch/dinner with girl friends. I also just emailed about signing up for a glassblowing class. Art is not my forte so very outside my comfort zone but seems fun. I also am getting ready to sign up for an indoor rock climbing class. Trying to do very different activities than I normally would:)

LOVE the glassblowing idea! I need to check into that! I've done several painting classes, that is a LOT of fun and a good way to meet fun people. The following was before BD, but we went as a family and did a fused glass class, we made multi-colored glass fish by arranging broken bits of glass which were then fused using a ceramic kiln. We mounted them to metal rods. The other end of the rod was drilled into a wood block that was sanded and varnished. Wish I could post pics here, but they turned out REALLY cool. It's funny, but often when we mention to people that they need to GAL their response is "I can't, I don't have time to go to bars." That always makes me roll my eyes, LOL!

[Mic]

Thanks AnotherStander. Would have love to seen the pics.
Thanks labug. I will check it out on Kindle and read it.
It's funny I never read a relationship book in 8 years of marriage - tons of parenting book. Now all I read are self/help and relationship books and how to survive after divorce etc. And the Bible all the time now;)