New Year, New Goals, New me!

[mishka422]

OT, sorry I hadn't answered. Yes, I've been part of an online group for a few months now. It is opening me up quite a bit and I'm discovering more and more about how my childhood developed me to be codependent. I had a magnificent childhood until I was 15 and then it all crashed with my dad's death. My mom was great but it was just such a horrible age and she and I did the best we could but it was more scarring than I ever thought. My therapist had touched on it a bit in session a few times but I broke so hard every time that we weren't able to move much past it and then she retired. Everything stopped. *sigh*

I'm hearing what everyone is saying and I'm trying to take it in an process. I don't like living feeling like there is one foot out the door at all times even if it's not true. It feels that way, I'm sure because of past circumstances and results.

Writing notes, letters,texts, to him just won't work. He hates to read (he's dyslexic) so he skims and doesn't absorb the point. Talking directly to him is better but that's when he shuts down and walks away if he doesn't like what's being said. I just hope that he won't do that this time.

I'm going to take this time away with him to put out some feelers and formulate, finally, exactly what I want to say. I won't put any ultimatums on him, I won't pressure him to do anything at all. I want to simply state what I feel I need. Period. He will have to respond at some point about it but I want him to have time to think about it, not just give me a response right then and there because that's what he thinks I want. Does that make any sense?

Sorry, I haven't had enough coffee today and my brain is fuzzy. I left my travel mug sitting on my kitchen table and realized it halfway to work. UGH!

Thoughts?

Oh, and Eric, thank you so much for you reminder that I shouldn't be afraid to lose him. I try to remind myself of that every day but fear has been an overriding factor in my life for so long now that it's more second nature than anything else.