I think that I had a big break through this morning. Last night, I put a huge smile on my face and acted as if everything was great. H acted different and appeared to pull back. My initial reaction was "Okay. I see H is pulling back so I will too." I have done this same thing for the past couple of months. I would stop communication and wait to see my H's next move. In the shower this morning it hit me. I am getting on my H's roller coaster. Sometimes I don't realize it because it is not dramatic. But I am basing my reactions/actions on his. Hello...how did I not see that before.
I dont need to pull back. I just need to keep being me. So I thought what would I have done if my H did not pull back. While I hardly ever reach out to my H, I do send pictures of the kids if he is not going to see them for a few days. Since H pulled back, I normally would not have sent anything and just waited to see how Saturday went when I see H next. BUT, I am going to stay off his roller coaster. I will send a picture of the kids which is what I would have done if we did not have the convo on Tuesday night. I will not wait to see how my H will act next.
My relationship (if you can even describe it as a relationship) with my H is so much better than it was weeks/months ago. I am not sure where it will take us, but I don't want to go backwards. While I cant make my H come back, I am control my end of the relationship and I am not going to move backwards because I am scared of getting hurt. Heck, my worst case scenario has already happened so what am I scared of? I know that my H feeds off of my mood.
So I will send a picture of the kids to my H. I will keep moving forward. My H can deal with himself accordingly. I will stop living in fear and get off his roller coaster, even if it is just a tiny baby roller coaster at this point.
