FY, Thanks for your support. I wouldn't have guessed that he'd go through with this. I'm not giving up nor will I until I am absolutely positive that there is no hope. I feel pretty certain that he is still lost in space and that it's possible that he could return to earth. I'm hanging in this for the long haul.
I'm far from "done" and at my age, I may be dead before I am! LOL I'm joking of course.
Thanks again for stopping by. I always appreciate your input and positive view of our situations.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I hope you have been able to calm yourself down. I hate anxiety attacks. I am so sorry that he is pushing right now. Pressure is coming from somewhere, likely from the OW.
So much of this MLC stuff does not make sense. Read all we want to and it all sounds kinda normal but then be with a reali-life MLCer and you feel like you stepped into Wonderland and have just smoked what the caterpillar smoked.
One step at a time. I am proud of you for getting legal advice and taking care of the business end. H will be stunned that you are so prepared! Good.
Then again, this whole request may die off as quickly as it came. After all, it doesn't actually appear that HE has done any homework!
On the flip side, please take care of yourself. This is so much harder than anyone thinks. Especially if you are soft in the middle, like me.
I've calmed down after the initial shock. The first day and the following day were the worst. I'm also keeping myself busier than usual (if that's possible) and of course, keeping my eye on things. I'm on a mission to arm myself with as much info and paperwork that I can. He will be surprised but not shocked that I've sought legal advice. He knows how I am when faced with a challenge or need to educate myself on an issue or topic.
I will move slowly but deliberately as this unfolds. My motivation is a vision of the ow trying to get her hands on our money. The moments of sadness are replaced with that vision. The ow's face, her hand out and her voice telling him that he's a money hoarder! Yep, she did say that to him a few months back when he was forcing her to follow a budget. Why didn't hefigure out why she's sticking around back then?
I'm laughing at your comment about smoking what the caterpillar smoked. That is so much how I feel. Is this real or a bad dream? I want to wake up and realize that it's still 2011 before his journey began.
I pray often that he will lose interest or get too busy to take care of the paperwork. As time passes he may do just that. I doubt the attorney will let him forget and will try to keep things moving along.
I found it odd that on the day that he went to the attorney's office he didn't come by after work to get his truck. It was parked in the exact same spot as he left it that morning. He must have stayed the overnight in the city. His truck has been here till at least 9pm every night this week. Could there trouble in paradise again?
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT, your H is lost and looking for things that would make him feel better. He probably thinks that filing for separation will do just that. When he finds out that this will not resolve his issues, he will lose interest. This is just my guess, based on what you said about him not doing research on the subject. He just wants to take “some” action. Yes, there might be some pressure from OW, but when it comes to actually doing the work, my guess is he will drag his feet. He is just all over the place right now, not knowing what he wants.
You are right to keep an eye on the money, so OW doesn’t get a hold on it. This would be my worry too, if I knew there was an OW. In my case it is about the vacation home.
I would suggest to wait him out, no mentioning of paper work. Let him do all the work.
I hear you about wanting to be back to the times before the BD. I think there was a discussion on Wonka’s thread about time being still for MLCer. The time has been still for me too. I cannot believe it’s been 19 months, and I’m still living in the past, trying to make sense of what happened on that day of BD.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. I haven't felt much like reading here or posting lately. Honestly, I think I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop before I even try to think about what separation will mean for me emotionally. You're right about my h just wanting to do something, anything that he thinks might make his "pain" or unhappiness go away.
He has continued on his path to end our marriage. I received a text from him late this afternoon. He stated that he had the "paperwork for separation" and wanted to know if I would like him to email or bring it to me in person. I waited a bit and thought of what would cause HIM the most pain then decided to just respond with "Which ever way is most convenient for you. Either works for me." My initial thought was to have him face me with the paperwork in hand, knowing that it would cause him the most amount of pain but then decided to leave it up to him. He ended up leaving the papers in my car and then sending them via email when he got home. The email also included an offer to meet over a drink or coffee to discuss them. I haven't responded to that yet.
kml or anyone else in a Community Property State, if you're out there tonight would you mind answering a few questions? I can't contact my attorney till morning and I think I'll sleep a little better if I know a little more. The paperwork states that the separation of property and the division of debts and liabilities will "be determined at a later date". There is a Case Schedule with many deadlines for this and that with the "Trial Date" scheduled for the end of January 2015. Why isn't there be a date for separation of property and liabilities? Why would it take so much time for a separation. The other deadlines stated are for disclosure Witnesses (?), discovery, dispute resolutions etc. Having little knowledge of this process, it looks to me that at the end of the timeframe shown that we would be D not S.
I'm not surprised that he's gone through with this but I feel like I've been hit with a brick. Not sure how to reply to his offer to get together to discuss this or if I should go totally dark or what!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Division of assets and debts is complicated. The date of separation is key. Assets are generally valued at the time of trial, settlement conference or other hearing where the judge orders the division. Debts are valued at the time of separation, but since they are generally split later either party can seek credits for principal payments.
I sincerely hope you can come to an agreement without going to court. My property settlement has dragged on and I haven't been happy with the court's view of who should be assigned what.
Most people told me to divide things quickly since I was likely to end up with a better settlement. They were right. The more this has dragged on the more I will have to pay to end it.
Thanks for being up so late and for answering my questions. The paperwork says nothing about Divorce just separation. He has the date of separation as approx. 2 weeks before it actually occurred. Not a big deal but just noticed that it was incorrect. We have no debt other than monthly recurring bills at each of the two houses. Utilities, home and car insurance etc. It should be relatively simple but with a mlcer it's always complicated. I am still not sure what to think about the 11 month timeline for separation only. From what he says that he understood (mlcer understanding now) that finances and division of assets didn't play into this at all.
I will find out more tomorrow after speaking with my attorney. Thank you so much for your thoughts. I will heed the advice. I know that you've been through more than any human should have to endure in a lifetime in such a short period of time. I hope that the end is very, very near for you. Take care GM
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I am so sorry that he is pushing. And sorry that I wasn't my usual night hawk self to at least offer some support, if nothing else useful!
My SO and I were never married, so I was able to skip this part.
But, I agree with your actions. I am a big believer in the business side of things (and Skippy and I did have some of that) and I believe in knowing my options before any kind of business discussions. Knowledge is power.
If you are ready after speaking to your lawyer, then I would talk to him. But not unless I was ready. The positive side to this is you don't have to care at this point how HE will feel - your reaction gets to be all about YOU. If you want to go dark to process this latest, you do that. Speaking from a personal point of view, I couldn't handle the meaningless chit chat when there was "business" on the table.
Thanks to everyone for hanging in there with me. I thought it was time for an update. I'll try not to write a novel but no guarantees.
Last Monday, exactly 2 months to the day of my H filing for separation I receive a call from him. He is talking like a lunatic, spewing about his attorney. He's telling me that he didn't tell her that he wanted to go to court or divide assets and how upsetting this is for him. Then said that all that he asked her to do was to file a document for separation. ???? I'm smiling as I listen to him and almost feeling sorry for his attorney. I don't think he read one word of the documents that he signed nor did he listen to a thing that she HAD to have told him about how a separation was going to work. I tried to calm him down and assure him that the info that she was asking him for WAS in the paperwork. After 20 minutes of listening to this very confused MLCer he asked me what I thought he should do. I suggested that if he didn't want to go through the division of assets or appear in court to contact his attorney and ask if he could have it dismissed. (I knew I was taking a chance but after listening to him, I was pretty sure he would do anything to get out of having to divide and appear)! LOL
A few hours later I received the following email from my attorney:
Hi (NLT's Attorney),
I contacted my client, XXX today to touch base and move this case forward. In doing so I discovered that XXX misunderstood my explanation of a legal separation and it is more depth than what he intended.
Ideally, he would like to dismiss the legal separation.
Kind Regards,
MLCers Attorney
H is now working with his attorney on a document that is more like a Post Nuptial agreement. He has been in daily contact with me and most days 2 or 3 attempts are made. Over the weekend, 4 calls and 2 visits to my house. I can't wait to see what he comes up with.
A few things that have happened over the past few months:
He is either losing his job or is about to quit.
The ow is not working but is suppose to hear back from a potential employer "any day now".
He mumbled something this past weekend about "diminishing returns" when he talked about ow's lack of employment.
He voiced concerned about finances and is thinking of selling the house that he lives in and renting something for awhile.
He leased a new car 2 weeks ago (just prior to deciding that he wasn't going to be working much longer).
Those are just a few of the many things that have happened and I'm certain that if he loses his job or voluntarily leaves he will make even more poor choices and decisions..
In the meantime I'm doing quite well and planning a few trips for the summer months. I'm working nearly every day on my gardens and enjoying the peace and quiet of not living the drama of a mlcer.
I will post more when he presents the "Post Nuptial" agreement as well as catch up with everyone.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT - are you looking for advice? How well protected are your assets (this is not a joke!) Is the post nuptial designed to protect you and can it be enforced if you were to divorce or legally separate further down the line? (Worst case scenario) If he may be losing his job and OW is not working and expects a high standard of living then you may need to consider whether you need to take legal steps to protect your share of the marital assets at this time, and not in several months when the outlook may not be so good.
The are crazy aa this latest round amply demonstrates (A really bright man 'not understanding' the meaning of a legal separation - dear me!), and while they may or may not sound nice when they talk to us, what they are doing to our lives isn't fair or kind.
