When last I posted I think XW was going to see my IC at her own request because of issues that S was having with transitions and pre-school. As you may recall, he really, really, really has a hard time going back to her house and at the moment he very strongly prefers being with me. He cries when I drop him off and I recently learned from XW that he also cries when she comes to pick him up.
I watched S while she was at the appointment since it was he custody day. Sure enough, when I dropped him off at her place he cried and did not want to leave me. As always it was hard. When I got back home the phone rang and it was S — he wanted to talk to me and sounded so sad….he was talking very softly and through tears. It broke my heart that I couldn’t be there to comfort him.
Several days passed and not a word was spoken between XW and I about her appointment. All I knew was that it went for about an hour and a half - which is pretty long for my IC. Eventually I reached out to my IC to ask if things went OK. She is incredibly discreet and did not share details but said she felt that it went well. I think that it was very helpful to have XW get a view of me from someone else that is neutral. IC said that she was instantly interested in knowing about 1.) what she (my IC) saw in me as my bad traits and 2.) what I have done to work on them. IC stressed that to me quite a bit. Also, much to my surprise, my IC said that she strongly believe that there is some level of affection and fondness buried somewhere in XW for me. Apparently, XW was not the emotional stoic that I frequently see - and cried a lot during the session. IC said that it felt very much like she is conflicted internally. Allow me to clarify.
My IC took out a piece of paper and drew a rectangle with thicker rectangles around it - she said that the inner most rectangle was XW and that she had built a lot of pretty thick walls around herself (the other rectangles). Anything that I say or do just bounces right off of those walls and does not reach her. If it’s positive, it’s phony in her mind - if it’s negative, it comports with how she views me now. It’s a defensive mechanism and probably exists to protect herself.
The interesting thing that everyone here will clue in on is that what my IC recommended was pretty much “back-to-square-one” DB’ing. She told me to just be understanding, affirm/validate her feelings, and be respectful of her self-worth — because it is mostly likely in crisis as well. I found her advice to be interesting because as I found myself getting more distant, I also found myself becoming less dedicated to basic DB stuff. It was good to hear from someone that does not know “the books” that I needed to get back to that place again in terms of dealing with XW.
My IC also picked up on something that has been hit upon FREQUENTLY by the vets and others here. She (my IC) has noticed of the span of time that we have been working together that I really HAVE made significant changes and I have done the crappy, crappy, crappy hard work that goes along with it. My IC flatly said that XW has not done her work yet…..and that it is obvious by how she responds to some things. She affirmed for me again that this really isn’t about me that much anymore.
Two Sundays ago we decided to sit S down and talk to him. I suggested that we go to a park and play with him together for awhile because he does really well in that environment. She declined and said she preferred to meet at the house. When she arrived with S I started walking to the family room and she said “we can just do it here” — the living room by the front door. She talked to him about mom and dad being a team, and that you don’t need to be sad because dad is always going to be there - and so on. He was pretty much a squirrel the whole time and was more interested in showing mama around to all of his stuff at my place. He kept asking her to “come here…I want to show you something” — and she didn’t want to leave the living room. She clearly is not comfortable still in our old house. She eventually went with him and he was excited to show all of her stuff. She looked at his things and kind of laughed and said “no wonder he likes it here and doesn’t want to come to my place!” — referring to all of his toys (which really isn’t THAT much). I didn’t say anything. She left not too long after that and that was the end of it.
That Tuesday she said it was the best pick-up she had had with him from preschool. He did not cry at all. I didn’t say it to her, but I strongly believe that it had a lot to do with the fact that he got to see us together, interacting with him….having fun….getting along. The way my heart wishes it was every day. I think it is good for him - but I don’t control it at all.
Not long after she left it really hit me that S hadn’t seen us together for any amount of time for the better part of 8 months. Furthermore, it hit me that for that same period of time 99% of our communication has been done through text messages and occasional e-mails. We do no communicate via phone or face-to-face. Maybe I see her 2-3 times a month when she drops him off at my place. It is hard for me to buy into the notion that she is sell that “we are a team” when we really don’t communicate. I don’t think we can raise a child through text messaging — but she feels we can’t talk about things without a 3rd party (her words not mine). That really baffled me because I know I am not looking for any kind of fight at all……anyhoooo.
Every year for his bday XW does a photo session with S. She sent me the proofs today and I simply replied that I was happy for the both of them and that she looked great. She responded tha “wow - thanks! I didn’t mean to send the ones with me in them — the were just all grouped together”. Was that an accident then??
