Barrybran III - New job, new life?

[25yearsmlc]

That was a vent earlier. Completely anti-DB, I know. My wife went to bed and was good enough to let me know how she was feeling. Long story short, it turns out I hadn't been listening as well as I thought I had been and that I had been bringing her down. Admittedly, I'm not sure if this really is a recent thing or a totality-of-our-relationship thing so I've got some serious inward looking to do. She brought up how I make her feel, the reason why she thinks I do this, what she hopes to achieve for herself and what she has done already regarding our situation to achieve her goals. Basically she's thrown me a massive bone whether she knows it or not, whether she intended to or not. It was a 2x4 and some.


This^^ is good "intel" for your reconnaissance mission. Use it.


As for the why, it was very insightful. I have above average intelligence and those closest to me know it. My parents, my brother, my wife and my friends. I've always felt smarter than nearly everyone I meet.

When you say those closest to you know it, what is it that they know? That you are smarter than them, or that you think you are? Are they all unintelligent?

And if you feel smarter than everyone you meet, have you tried to join things where the people challenge you more? OR do you want to be the smartest one? I'm asking sincerely.



As a kid, I was quite arrogant because I knew it. I used to put my brother down quite badly and even now, I'll take a friendly dig at him that upon reflection, could be taken quite poorly.

1) I'm impressed that you are looking at this^^^. Lots of 180s come to mind.

2) "as a kid" you were arrogant. Meaning, you are not arrogant anymore? You "used to put" your brother down, but you still do, so...

and "upon reflection, could be taken quite poorly..."

Honestly, how else could it be taken? Who enjoys being put down? Why do you do it, do you think?

(And no, the reason cannot be "because" of your IQ)

To me, the behavior sounds more like bullying & criticizing than anything else.

I don't see any connection to IQ in that^^^...

Apparently, I've also brought my wife down by treating her as being inferior to me. She called me on it a couple of months back but apparently it's still an issue.

"apparently"...it's still an issue b/c you still do it. "Apparently" her telling you that she felt torn down b/c you treat her like an inferior, is a reasonable response, but you ignored it. Why do you think you did that?

And yes I put "apparently" in quotes to make a point. You KNOW these things are true but use the word "apparently" as if you are surprised. But are you, really?


I made a reference earlier in this thread about my Dad jokingly calling me Sheldon from Big Bang Theory


why do you say he 'Jokingly" called you that? Maybe he meant it 100% but said it in a way that would not trigger a put down from you...just a thought.

But fwiw, if my PARENT told me something like that, I'd really look at it and take it in and process it and use it for my benefit. It would not go unnoticed.

I would look inward, big time. I think that's what you are doing and I commend you for it. This is not easy. You have to be brave to dig deep.

I suggest you look at a workshop called "Essential Experience" (aka "EE") which is for individuals, but helps couples/families a lot. I've gone to different workshops for personal growth but EE was, by far, the most profound.

I have often felt insecure about being a small woman, with certain physical attributes that got noticed more than what I thought mattered, i.e.., my body instead of education or intelligence.

This was partly an inherited education snobbery within my family, and partly my own character defect, and maybe some sexism back 25 years ago, as I was in a mostly male profession.

Since EE, I have come to see there really is some commonality in all people, and the universality of what it's like to have your heart broken, can be an incredible bonding experience.

I'm friends in RL with about 9 DBers. We are from very different backgrounds and we vary in age by about 30 years....and yet we are very comfortable in our friendships and it's a wonderful source of support.

At EE I sat next to a phone operator (it was awhile back!) and immediately I assumed we'd have nothing in common...or not a lot.

But as the workshop went on, I came to really like her. Then she cut to the chase and asked THE question lurking in the back of our minds the whole time...which was

"If I'm so special and wonderful, why is the person I loved most in the world, NOT loving me anymore?"

ouch...and she was spot on. I'm still friends with her now, after 20+ years, btw.


and that's more accurate than I like to admit, especially in the sense that I may treat people condescendingly without actually realising it.

Barry, forgive me for this 2 x4, but I think you could have realized it long ago but chose not to. Something in you liked doing it. So, how are you going to replace that behavior with a new positive one?

You can learn what "NOT to do" but if you don't also learn what TO DO, you'll revert to your old ways fast and in times of stress (which will be often if you end up piecing with your w). Your wife's biggest fear, I suspect, is that if she returns to the marriage fully, you'll keep putting her down...

Do the "math";

Small consistent changes + sufficient time = change She can believe in.


My wife has been kind enough to put it in big neon lights for me.

My wife is adamant she's on her own journey but her words feel like a great, big "lift your game." Does anyone know of any decent books on communication and listening?

aside from the workshop (fastest way to grow, imo. Like 2 years of therapy in one long weekend) and the books mentioned, you might try some of Marianne Williamson's books on handling fear and anger.

She's too new agey for some, but I found her exercises on forgiveness and handling anger, really useful. Same for Wayne Dyer (some). A book called "Boundaries" is good for ways to communicate said boundaries too.

As for listening, make eye contact when someone speaks. Do NOT interrupt or finish their sentences for them. PAUSE before you reply, so you are not rehearsing your response while they are still talking, b/c that's not "active listening".

The real journey here, is an inward one. Dig deep. Be brave. You'll become a better man for it, and that matters.

Become a man only a fool would leave.

When you truly have done that, then turn the marriage and your pain and anger, over to God...Leave it in His ands & go in peace, holding your head high knowing at the very least, you saved yourself.

DBing is mostly about US saving ourselves, becoming better people. Sometimes our marriages get saved then, too. (And other relationships benefit too. As you become more mindful of how you sound to others, perhaps you can ask your brother for feedback now and then. Tell him you are working on it and later on ask him how he thinks you are doing with it. Do you have the type of R with him that would allow that? Do you want to have that type of r with him?

I know you never meant to hurt anyone, but something in you felt the need to "level the field' by putting them down (as opposed to simply lifting yourself up)
If you really felt inwardly lovable and secure, that would not occur to you.

Either way, as we dig deep and do OUR work, we become happier, more loving people. That is the guaranteed result of this ordeal/journey, if you make that journey.

It's not a guaranteed reconciliation, but recon will Not happen and last, without the journey.