Reaching out for support and advice 3

[labug]

I just wanted to add, similar to LFW, have the family nights with him only if it's good for you. If it's too confusing and brings up too much hurt, shelve it for now.

If it's confusing for you, you know it must be for the kids.

[bluesgal]

LFW-I totally agree with you, thanks for your post

wbw-I'm sorry that your S has drug on so long.

Labug-It's tough because the kids are so far apart in age. H's visits confuse my D and I, but S loves the family time.

When H first left, we had a schedule. I will definitely be getting back to that as it helps me answer "when is dad going to come over again" and I don't have to worry about him dropping in unexpected/unannounced.

It seems he really wants to spend his days here and his nights??...That seems like cake eating to me.

[labug]

Can't H take S out to do fun "guy" stuff?

So don't bake the cake

[3boymom]

Blues - I felt a lot better once we had a set schedule. Our schedule does change a lot due to conflicts, but there is no more dropping by at the last minute. It was better for everyone involved. Before, I left like a doormat. My H was totally cake eating and would not tell me his schedule. He would call at the last minute. Each time the kids asked when they would see daddy I would have to say I don't know.

Each weekend we discuss the upcoming week in advance. I can tell the kids exactly when they will see H. H stopped treating the house like his house. It helped me to detach. We still have family time once a week. I am currently ok with it for right now and I can see that the kids love it. H has the two nights a week and I use that time to run errands, go to IC, exercise or meet up with friends. Having the set nights have helped me to be able to live my life.

I think that it will help your H see what S and D looks like in reality. He probably wont get it completely (my H is still living in fantasy land) but it should help a bit. Your H has it too easy right now. He can decide when he wants to have responsibilities or not.

[bluesgal]

Ok, schedule has been set for the month of March. Yep, when H left in tears nearly a month ago, there was no set amount of time he'd be gone. "I don't know" is now his middle name.

Setting the schedule for March was an eye opener for me to accept that this is my new reality. He is going to be gone for a long time and maybe forever. I am so glad to have the drama/spewing/anger out of my home, but now it's very quiet here. We are on our own.

I spent the weekend being snowed in on Friday-bonus day with the kids-loved every minute of it.

Then, my rollercoaster. I brought our garbage/recyclables to the dump for the first time (was always H job). I unloaded everything and drove home in tears. The newness of all this new territory is very raw. I recovered and was home with my smile for the kids. Then, cleaned the entire master closet. Came across a worn, crumpled t-shirt of H that smelled like him. I am laughing as I am writing this, but was literally smelling his shirt and crying in the closet. What a mess!

My weekend improved as I had GAL activities after that. I never realized how much staying busy and getting out of the house was helping me until this weekend.

My exchanges with H have improved. He has helped with a number of things around the house and has really stepped up his interest in the kids again. (All last summer when he was in total replay and hot and heavy PA, he did a 180 from wonderful father to absent and distracted father)

He makes eye contact with me. He will not touch me in any way. Avoids me like I'm contagious.

My new positive: I used to get all weepy/sad/mad/victim-y when my H would leave after visiting the kids since he's moved out. I would think: I'm sure he's going here and doing this, and seeing this person and my imagination would run wild.

Now: I think it's his loss. I am snuggled up with our son reading a book, sharing my day with D. I have a warm home and comfy bed. I make choices that I am proud of. I am happy and content with me. And just maybe, he's out driving around and wishing he had this, too.

[25yearsmlc]

Blues,

You need to be loving, but also set some boundaries my dear friend. While you are new to this (and overall doing very well) you have to really accept the current situation as it is. Family nights are fun, but they do lead to confusion for you and way more important than that, they lead to confusion for the kids;

"What are we doing, just pretending everything is ok? Are we that family now?"....as a case in point.

One of the things I see a lot with the women on here is that they let the WAH swing by the house whenever he wants for these family nights. The husband gets his fill of family time, but it leaves the women and children confused. Is that fair for the kids?

I get what you are saying. After a year of h coming on alternating weekends, he then moved to Alaska. That was actually simpler. So I'm familiar with the issue. But, the 2 problems with this^^ approach, is 1) that it denies the children their father, that much more;

and 2) it comes across as punitive to the WAH & sometimes to the kids as well. They may pity him or resent him, but they love/need and miss him too.

Another thing I have noted....is that must of the men I know who returned to their marriage, did so because they missed seeing their kids.

Is this anecdotal only, or is there some data to support this? I think it's intriguing but I don't have data that supports it. I don't know how forthright WAHs are in any survey taken, and their "insight" may lack.

But I DO think marriages with children divorce less, in general.

That missing of the kids was the motivation to help them see their marriage in a different light and start working on the marriage again. Right now your husband has chosen to leave the marriage....his choice....and a consequence of that choice is not seeing the kids daily or whenever he wants.

This presumes he's not really facing consequences already, b/c the only time he misses them, that is "cured" by a quick fix family visit. But unless he lives a block away, he misses them a lot more often than that.

He misses them each night he would have read a story, high fived his son for something well done or funny, or tucked a child in. He misses them each morning or greeting time, when their feet are not heading his way to wrap arms around him, exclaiming real pleasure at his mere presence.

I doubt that her h is "fine" without them, as it is. Showing them the mask of happiness is his idea of what's comfortable for them. My h was downright goofy at times. But it's also a nervous behavior in my h's case. Yes the kids found it weird, but I didn't know that for several months.

When my h finally achieved his goal of gaining another credential and then going to the "Last Frontier" and the "Gold rush", he was only there a few weeks before he noticed he was quite lonely. And he was telling me how little he'd exercised or gone outside (he's an exerciser and an outdoors guy, absolutely) when he blurted out "I think I'm clinically depressed..."

True, he was farther away when he finally changed course. But he'd also been released to, and reached his "mission" by then. And by the time we recon, only 1 child remained at home. But my h had been a loving father prior to this.

Second, "showing him the consequences" is a lot like punishing our spouses. I felt that it was justified. But then my DB Coach told me that "it's not the spouse's job to "teach a lesson/show consequences" of their choices...LIFE does that for us.

I had to concede that my concepts of fairness & justice, looked a lot like a disguise I just placed over my anger.

Remember...You cannot miss the good times if they are readily available to you....Think about that.

If this^^ means you want her to deny him access, I'd disagree. I DO support boundaries, like times set up for the LBS to choose, but quantity ought Not be decreased. Denying the kids their father, punishes them more than they already feel. Their pain has to be a priority. Often their pain will convert into anger at the LBS, or even worse, pain aimed inwardly.

At first I really had a hard time finding the line between healthy boundaries, and a desire at some level, to hurt the WAS. That line can get blurry, and it can shift.

See if you can find a place in MWD's teachings that supports this^^^making the children less available to their parent. I'd be sincerely interested in hearing about that.

[bluesgal]

I understand what you're saying, 25. I want my kids to see their dad and interact and make memories. My kids need that.

What we didn't need was chaos. We have a schedule set and it has plenty of dad time. Although, when you don't live with your kids, you're going to miss a lot...and he does.

I love your advice, 25! Thanks for checking in on me!

[AnotherStander]

Then, my rollercoaster. I brought our garbage/recyclables to the dump for the first time (was always H job). I unloaded everything and drove home in tears. The newness of all this new territory is very raw.

It's really tough at first, but what you're going to quickly discover is there is no magic to what H was doing around the house and you can do it without him. At first it'll remind you that he's not there to do it and that is a depressing thought to be sure, but once you're used to doing it yourself you'll feel empowered, like maybe there's nothing you can't do. You'll come to realize that while you may WANT him, you don't NEED him. Later your struggle will be whether you really even want him or not, the WAS changes so much that at some point we start asking ourselves if we even want THAT person back again because they are not the same person we had a LTR with. Anyway, the emotions you're experiencing are totally normal and healthy, so don't feel like you're doing something wrong. You're doing fine

[25yearsmlc]

Not sure this will help or just make you laugh, but one thing I had to do when h was gone (but while we all still lived in Alaska), was taking the trash to the "Dump". I had never done it.

So, I kid you not, it was -35F' (yeah, ambient temperature) and dark and snowing and I HAD to get rid of the trash.

Used h's big crazy truck to take it. THEN learned that "oops" no defroster in front, so I had to have the window DOWN for the 10 minute drive to the trash place...longest, coldest 10 minutes of driving in my life and the whole time I was either cursing h out loud (to the wind) or laughing at myself for how insane driving with a window down, is at that temperature.

Got to the trash place and there was a game warden with a gun b/c of the bears...so, under "armed" escort, I unloaded the trash and left...

50 other examples of "when your h is gone..." but that one was a true first for me.

I DID eventually say "thank you" to h (and our son) for having done it all that time before. I never grasped what a hassle it was for him/them.

Truly, the desire to punish my h existed long before I was aware of it. I had a lot of resentments for how many times I was alone as a wife/ mother, only to have a h want to keep doing what HE wanted. I felt WE had all been moving for his career the whole time (true, but he was also the breadwinner then)

and it took my DB coach probing my motivations, to get me to see it. NOT a proud moment for me.

I don't mean to project that onto you. I simply mention it b/c I think we all do it to some extent and maybe I just rationalized it better for longer.

Hence the comment about finding that fine line...shifting and blurry at times...

[bluesgal]

Thanks guys, it's nice to know that I'm not alone. A lot of 1st's lately and while they do suck, I am becoming stronger and more independent.

My H seems so distant. I am struggling to see any reality of him returning. He said less than a week ago again, "I just don't see you that way." Frustrating and sad to feel rejected.

His life looks so empty and chaotic. I feel like this sitch has gone past the point of return.