own buz 22:mediation to reconcilliation, hopefully

[PatientMan]

Hi PM... HOnestly.. this is not an issue. I can totally do what you are suggesting. But, you are not realizing that unlike the OLD me... I am now drinking less than socially. And definately WAYYY less than EVER. Last weekend, for example.. I had not even an interest or a flavor... I drank water and was fine with that... all weekend, haven't had any all week either. I am typically a social drinker, and am comfortable to maintain that status. When BD, I stopped drinking... I was sleeping way less. Harder to fall asleep. Waking up several times through the night. I really think alcohol used to help me to relax. I used to be a deep/sound sleeper.

Do you still think I need this test? I am on board, but think its moot at this point.

Yes, but not for me and not for anyone else on this board or anyone else anywhere. Just for you.

There are numerous potential upsides and no downsides, and as you said yourself, it isn't an issue for you so it shouldn't be any sort of a problem. So just try it.

Do you exercise regularly?

-PM

[makingmagic]

...and he's been more "confused" and absolutely nothing has been accomplished. true

and has anything actually been legally accomplished as far as division of assets? a temporary suggestion was made that day... I dont think "today" is the day to proceed, but possibly in a few more days, I will enforce our agreement

Ken, thanks for your comments. If you have more to add on what not to do, or a suggestion of what I can do.. I'd like to hear YOUR POV.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

MrBond ~ about a week or more ago, you said that you had suggestions on what I could be doing to help towards my sitch. I am asking you to teach me these suggestions... will you? I would like to HEAR them.

[Portia]

Magic,

I have to agree with Ken, here:

you were both in much better places before the mediator. since that meeting you've been more of a wreck. and he's been more "confused" and absolutely nothing has been accomplished.

so in that respect the mediator is a failure. she did nothing but cause confusion and overreactions. and has anything actually been legally accomplished as far as division of assets?

You always ask what WE would do in a certain situation. So I am going to tell you: in your case, I would deal with the business end of things and leave reconciliation alone. The business end of things is your livlihood and your shelter. And while I am not dismissing your relationship in any way, legally speaking, you were not married and under the law, you are treated differently than a legal spouse, especially when it comes to property.

Why would I take reconcilation off the table? Because nothing that your SO promises you is legally enforceable, unlike the business end. If you give up your half of the business because he promises to buy a house with you, the court cannot enforce that decision if he does not follow through - but YOU would still be left with nothing of the business.

So he is confused about personal things? Poor guy. Well, then deal with the business side.

From my POV, Magic, your SO is being manipulative. He knows your every button to push. He whines and talks...blah, blah, blah...all talk and no action. He's confused. Right. Meanwhile, the legal issues go unattended.

ESPECIALLY because you have repeatedly said that you don't want the OW involved. She is. So, how then are you still not dealing with the business side of things?

Are you willing and able to set a boundary: no more relationship/reconciliation talks until the OW is not in the picture at all? That is your starting point, Magic. What are you willing to accept? He isn't "confused"; his actions are clearly not confused - he puts on a good show and knows that it is enough to keep you strung. He wants a fun time in a hotel room? Snort. I'll bet. Don't confuse that for a real commitment for anything other than what it is - a booty call.

So, as it stands, he isn't giving up the OW. How do YOU feel about that? Pushing him won't work, as you can see. And if you can't set a firm boundary, does that mean that you back off?

It boils down to YOU, Magic. Ignore the blah, blah, blah from him. What is it that YOU want to do that is in YOUR control? I know you want him to declare his undying and committed love but YOU don't control that. You're stuck with what things ARE. Too much conversation and way too little action.

If you don't want to have relationship talks unless with the help of a counsellor, as you said, then you put that in his court. He says no to the counsellor, then you have to decide what YOU want to do then. Do you continue to listen to him or do you enforce that boundary?

[MrBond]

IMHO I don't see your BF as being manipulating you or trying to do things to his advantage. He doesn't seem to be fitting the pattern of the many WAS's I've seen who are only looking out for themselves.

I could be wrong, but I'm just not seeing it. In any event, if you're going to DB, the emphasis should still be on you. Document positive interactions with him.

" I feel that as each new situation arises, it puts me in a new place for possible different answers/solutions. So, that is why I have asked."

What you don't seem to get is that these situations aren't "new". They're just different aspects of the same problems. You ask the same questions when the situation even slightly changes as if you're too afraid to do the wrong thing. We're not you. Ultimately you're going to have to decide what to do on your own without asking for a consensus. You're going to have to learn to adapt.

"His reply was that I was able to approach him when he was conflicted, hurt, p!ssed off, etc. My approach was able to calm him down and join us as one....just by a kiss."

And instead of dealing with his problem this same way which he TOLD you worked, you told him that you don't want to hear about it any more unless there was another person there. You said before at the beginning that he was a private person and doesn't like to talk to strangers about his problems. He was learning to "trust" in you again and open up. He was pro-active about it when he wasn't before. And you shut the door on that.

[KenF]

again, you're asking for new advice as if the situation has changed.

it hasnt.

the only advice i can give you is what everyone has been giving you since the beginning.

this is all about YOU. forget him. deal with yourself first. take care of the business aspect. get financially secure.

your x himself had been asking you to deal with the financial aspect but you keep putting it off. job has said this to you over and over and over, and you keep making excuses.

and now you're still putting it off by pursuing reconciliation that some mediator told you, while not doing her actual job.


stop muddying the waters by discussion of reconciliation. if your x wants to talk, let him talk - but afterwards, dont go crazy thinking one conversation had led to reconciliation. in my opinion he is no where near the point of making his decision.

everything is all in your threads.

[makingmagic]

Hmmm... seems as though there are several different POV's .. not all just the one "same" one. THIS!!! is what I see, and this is like the personal conflictions within my head.

Thanks for all the sides of this... if anyone else wants to add thier opinion... I'd appreciate it.

Like Bond says.. ultimately I do have to make these decisions on my own... its not like I will get to keep all of you in this relationship (if it happens) or if not, the next one.

Bond ~ Yes, he TOLD me my calming kisses worked to help him with his pains. (I would SOOOOO love to reach out) BUT... do I ACT on that ... or do I need to HEAR he has made a decision first? I believe that saying today that I am still wanting to "listen" to him.. re-opened the door, inspite of last nights text I was still standing behind too.

Portia, Ken, GM ~ you make valid points... I would hope he was not manipulative, but... just in case he is. I must keep my eyes open. As Portia stated he is all talk, no action, whine, blah blah blah. Although, he seems sincere (like the h I know) and is not looking for a booty call. Also, my 50% of the business would not be mixed in with R talks. I am not stupid or lovestruck, I will not be making poor business decisions.

GM ~ we didn't get married because he has a fear of legal/financial commitment. With that said, he was very committed within our 20 years. Faithful, loyal, failed attempted pregnancy with me for many years, father figure to DD, business proposals, he was committed in my mind. The mediator touched on this commitment phobia and he admitted it and said he'd like to speak to a counceller about it

[job]

Magic,
Of course you are conflicted. Why? Because you talk about your situation on Michele's forums, you talk to your therapist, you talk in your women's group, your talk to your daughter, your parents, your girlfriends, male friends and the mediator. It isn't any wonder you are twirling around on a top.

The advice we give is to come here to post, if you are seeing a therapist or in a support group, that's fine...but limit your conversations about your situation to one best friend that you can trust and know you can lean on.

You are going to continue to get lots of different POV's and it's crazy to have that much talk circulating about your situation and then you are here acting like a confused individual. Put the brakes on your "outside" talking and you'll find that your confusion may tend to slow down.