Wishing You Were Here and then Setting It On Fire

[makingmagic]

Hi Portia... thank you for clarifying to me what DONE is... I too am clearly not DONE.

Yes, Eric... I do believe some people can be done today, and then change their mind. I believe my "h" is an example of that at the moment. I know he is not DONE either.

[mizjjd]

Hello sweet Portia

Is it soup yet?? Are we there yet?? How much longer??

I understand where you are coming from!!

For me, "done" seems to come in increments, and seems also to vary day by day.

And I don't know if 100% done is even a possibility... depending on the circumstances. Maybe all we ever achieve is "done for now".

Done is when there is no hope of reconnecting. Done seems like a great place to be because despite everything, I still have that hope. Very, very little, but it is still there. I don't want to have it anymore but I cannot seem to quash it.

Perhaps it cannot be actively quashed. Perhaps that last flicker of hope only dies from neglect, from stopping the nourishing dreams and wishes. I understand your wish to "get there", to be without the hope, because the hope carries the hurt doesn't it?



I'm sending you good vibes.

~Jaye

[Portia]

Heather, Eric, Magic and MizJ

Thanks for stopping by!

Can a person be done one day and not done the next?

Eric! Always making me think! I have thought quite a bit about my answer and IMHO, no. At least in situations like mine which are basically static. Nothing has changed and so the roller coaster is all mine to own. Done is a consistent peace. If the situation were to change, if Skippy makes an effort, being done could also slowly change. But this up and down business without any real changes in situation is not being Done. At least not to me.

Heather, I have actually been suffering with a bit of depression which came on last year. The cloud I refer to is the seeming inability to pick myself fully up. I sometimes feel like a stranger in my own skin. I know quite a few of us go through that here. I am working on some ways to dispel that cloud. I hate that it is there at all.

MizJ, this was beautifully written:

Perhaps it cannot be actively quashed. Perhaps that last flicker of hope only dies from neglect, from stopping the nourishing dreams and wishes. I understand your wish to "get there", to be without the hope, because the hope carries the hurt doesn't it?

And incredibly insightful. Yes, the hope does carry the hurt. I have conquered expectations, I am working on me, I am doing better at work but...(I hate that there is a BUT!)deep down, I would like the chance to "fix" this. Given the circumstances, that seems incredibly stupid to me, but there it is.

Except for the last few days dealing with a raging flu bug (is there anything less dignified?), forward I go.

[ericmsant2]

Thank you for responding Portia. I like how you think. I am sorry about the depression thing. I have no doubt that you will find a solution that works for you.

I sometimes feel like a stranger in my own skin.

Define stranger. What exactly does it feel like? Have you noticed any "triggers" that bring it on?

I think the solution to being done, not being done, etc...lies in one word, which MizJ mentions....

"hope"

[Portia]

Eric, thank YOU for responding. I wish I had some reciprocal advice about teenage daughters for you, but duct tape and a cold lake for bullies is still generally frowned upon.

What does it feel like to be a stranger to myself? I think much of that feeling has to do with the depression, or at least it is not helping. I was actually shocked when I was diagnosed. But, my life after the one year turmoil just does not look the same and I am finding it now that the "adrenaline" is gone which kept me moving this past year, to adjust. Literally the quiet after the pomp of the funeral.

And I have changed. I was a closet rom-com lover and now, all adventure and violence for me. I was very afraid of flying, now I am not. I once loved to go out and meet friends and now I am more likely to isolate myself, which really is not good for me right now. It feels...off. Like when you know that you are coming down with a cold, even though the symptoms haven't manifested yet. Any one else experience this? We are told that the MLCer does this "opposite thing" but I wasn't expecting the LBS to go through it as well.

I am strong willed, but it turns out that I am not always. Know what I did today? I randomly texted Skippy. Just weather related (huge storm here last night). It has been on my mind for some time, so I did it. Worse, if I am honest, it was a test to see if he would answer me. If he doesn't, I am really done and will put him away. Which is really stupid because who didn't think he is done with me a long time ago? You don't ignore someone for six weeks, if you are not done with them.

There has been no response yet. I don't think there will be. In the pit of my stomach, I feel like he has either got back together with GF or found a new one. Those were the previous reasons he vanished.

Other than general stress, there aren't any specific triggers. There are always demands at work and always demands from family.

"Hope", yes. Horrible word. What am I even hoping for? Mostly, I am hoping that I can get to DONE.

[ericmsant2]

Portia

You're welcome. No sweat about the teenage daughter advice. I do like the duct tape and cold lake idea...especially if it get worse.

I think i would summarize your overall feeling....like you are still grieving on some level and you have not fully begun to embrace the new YOU. Being alone sometimes is okay. Learning to feel comfortable when you are alone is hard. Especially these days. FTR, I may be wrong here. I actually think that deep down inside you know the answers to why you are feeling the way you are.

You say you are "strong willed" - I have no doubt. Is that strong will holding YOU back? Is that strong will keeping you where you are today becuase it is comfortable...because deep down inside you are scared to be "done"? Scared that you have told yourself that once your done..umm...your done.

I actually think that a person can be done today and not be done tomorrow. By this I mean....if 30 years from now, Skippy comes back - a different person. Portia too is a different person. These two different people somohow, some way "connect". Does that make you not done? It could also be that 30 years from now, Skippy is the same or different but Portia is different and therefore does not feel "connected". Neither is wrong if you think about it.

How about this....how about you remove "done" from the equation. Maybe focus more on being at peace with you and happy. You really do not need to decide at that point done or not.

In terms of the "opposite" comment. It happened to me. I am very differnt than the way i was post bomb. In some ways we changed roles. I am more of the caring type. She is more of the cold as ice type. Is either right or wrong? IMO, NO. It is who we both chose to become. I am happy and I hope my ex is.

As for texting skippy - text all you want. At this point it should not matter...ummm...or should it? Let's play this out.

Skippy replies - a one liner. "Thx" - what does that mean?

Skippy replies - more of a sentance. "Thank you very much. I hope you are okay Portia. - What does that mean?

Skippy replies hatefully - "I hate you Portia. Leave me alone".

Skippy replies - "I am with my GF now. Can't talk". What does that mean.

Skippy replies - "I actually am now in love with someone from the boards named ericmsant2" - what does that mean. (This was a joke by the way:)

Skippy does not reply - what does that mean.

My point....is that continuing to even worry about it, overthink it - does not help YOU. It keeps you on the hamster wheel, which is what I think is the bigger issue.

You WANT to be DONE. That's what I think. YOU WANT Skippy not to reply. It is easier isn't it? YOu do not have to make a choice at that point. Or do you?

Portia - IMO, reframe the use of HOPE.

HOPE for things for PORTIA.

HOPE for peace for PORTIA

Remove or put away and do not look at HOPE for Skippy.

HOPE for a more happiness and fun in your life.

'Cause, at the end of the day.....

YOu can choose one thing today.....


and

Another thing tomorrow.

It is our God given right.

Own your choices PORTIA. Once you make them...you will feel better.

Peace,
Eric

[Portia]

Eric,

Thank you for your very thoughtful post. I needed to hear it.

I think i would summarize your overall feeling....like you are still grieving on some level and you have not fully begun to embrace the new YOU.... I actually think that deep down inside you know the answers to why you are feeling the way you are.

Yes, I think I am still grieving. I cut out the "alone" part of your quote. I am VERY independent and have no trouble being alone and in fact, quite enjoy my own company and get really grouchy when I don't get my space. The recent hermit thing is a bit much, though! I don't know what those answers are yet, Eric, but maybe you are right and I hold the key. In fact, you are right because don't we all hold our own keys?

My point....is that continuing to even worry about it, overthink it - does not help YOU. It keeps you on the hamster wheel, which is what I think is the bigger issue.

You WANT to be DONE. That's what I think.

YES and YES!!! I am still on the hampster wheel and the only way that I feel I can get off of the wheel is to be done. i WANT to be DONE!! When you laid out all those possible responses, I had a different reaction to them all. Which is SO not the picture of done. (BTW - I totally knew you were joking, mercifully I have not lost my sense of humour). Even as I write this, I think: He has not responded. And a little voice says that I wanted him to respond (er, nicely). Like a Hail Mary pass that works just because I took the chance. Because I interpret the non-response as a negative. I wanted to believe him when he said he thinks about me.

I guess when you asked me about being done one day and not the next, I took you literally. Perhaps one day - years in the future - Skippy and I do reconnect. That would mean a change in circumstances and/or situation. But I think you were right when you said I have gotten back on the hampster wheel which is not a good choice.

But do you believe that a person can "choose" to be done? Like choosing carrots instead of peas? I can choose to act like I am done (and with the exception of today's blip, have in fact acted like I am done) but actively choose to be emotionally done? IDK. Telling myself to be done has had no effect whatsoever.

But I can focus on me and clean up my own side of the street. That I can do. Thank you again for the reminder!

The truth is, what I needed to be reminded of was to focus on me. Focus on my future and on making my life count. Get out of the doldrums and accept that I need to build my life in different ways than I thought.

[nero]

hi and wow portia -

boy, do you ever "echo" alot of the "junk" i feel i have. i'm quite sick of hearing myself- thinking about this all, talking about it all-

YET- THERE YOU go, i feel in teh wrong skin alot tooQ!!

i have that stinkin hope- tho honestly, i do not know what exactly it is i am hoping for-

and LAST BUT NOT LEAST_ - I'M A PERson that relishes my alone t ime- solitude, etc. i NEED IT, RELISH IT- AS LONG AS I'M THE GUY PICKING AND CHOOSEING how much and when.

the mere KNOWING the choice is not mine Galls me- i can't put a better fce on it all than that. i feel like my choices have been seriously cut down and i don't like it. perhaps i'm spoiled- tho i'd never characterize myself as that. i accept mostly what's given me or falls into my lap- i don't make demands, i'm pretty low maintenance and a 'cheap date" in life- HOWEVER, i guess if i'm honest i'm spoiled in what i had, expected, would like to have, feel deserving of- call it what you will.

i love my solityude- when i chhoose it. i hate it hate it like mad when it's shoved down my throat. i can go along and live and take care of myself i'm pretty darn sure- HOWEVER, do i want to? heck no. i want what i want (like every other animal alive i think). is it selfish? well, i guess so in the sense that the survival instinct is , i guess, a selfish one if you get rite down to it.

i've spent soooo many years understanding and protecting and c aring for this guy- yeah, i know- it's who i am. anyway- that i find it hard to shut that off. i hate what he's become,is/always was but lied about- who the heck knows.

i hate not knowing- if i've been a jerk for 38 years or not. ifhe's been a liar for my entire time with hinm or not-

alot of crappola that floats around back there and on a bad day surfaces. i don't know how we squelch the knowledge forever.

idk if i can forgive all the way to the point of it never ever surfacing again. i have a friend- she's patched it up- it still floods back over a word or action or comment.

how we go forward - if we reconnect- all this unfinished business junk and no answers (like most of the important stuff in life- beyond our understanding or power to effect) life, death,lvoe, etc.

oh man-

anyway- i feel like a stranger in a strange skin too. i feel like h is a stranger in a familiar/strange skin too. yesterday and today- he's being so nice- and in general i guess past couple months. i am leary of it- i don't feel all warm and fuzzy when he';s nice. i am suspicious of it. wtf?? he is jokie and even was poking me in bed last nite - goofing around- i realized when he went to poke my stomach i didn't want him touching me. i think hey, i don't even know you- too familiar- just like one might on new dates. like, i don't want anyone going THERE UNLESS i know thenm and trust them and love them and it's mutual. how the heck wierd is that one?????

idk if i'll ever feel like i WANT TO feel all goopie over this man again- how the heck does one GO BACK there again??? i know, not for today. i fear i'll never 'BE DONE". I FEAR being done, and not ever being done. both seem like a sad place to be.

i guess- the fog- the depression (some mornings i wake up and want to cry. i've read that our hormone levels are wacky and mornings are bad for women. they sure are for me- i make myuself get up and get busy. i wonder sometimes if i'm a bit depressed- then i tell myself look at my mother, 89, bad shape- made about everything around, seems like she's been fighting and mad forever. maybe it gets her by in life- i don't want to be like that. i want to find something good every day. i still can- THJANK GOD.

IDK- JUST rambling around and saying all the observations you make- i feel like it too- exactly. good words to put it into

answers - duhhhhhh. not too many. still tryin to always make the list of good things- since i can always find some. it helps a bit- i look at the news and even feeling safe in my home and on our streets makes me think, yeah, i forget. l ife isn't so easy and carefree in alotof other places. etc

hope- tht little darn thing. i have a notion we're dead without it- maybe don't need a destination for it- just having it helps our brains continue. plans? idk, got none other than to achieve a place someday wehre i feel happy like old self.

h- idk, wtf is going with him. do i want him forever? am i marking time? i even viewed staying with him this morning- a first- as just another type of "job". who says you gotta love it? if it pays the bills and you can do it and do it right-

oh man- wierd perspectyive slant. no bottom lien tho- just a wierd little drive-by thought.

good luck- hang on man- we can "do" this i'm pretty darn sure.

the derpsession- i think it's just part of the deal. no kidding. i'd think we all get a bit now and then - and it's probably more normal than anything when we're grieving for this most im portant part of our life that has blown dodge, gotten lost, become unreliable- ruined our own happy little existnce or notion of what it is, etc.


xxoo love ya man

[Portia]

Hey Nero,

Always so nice to come and visit and have a message waiting for me!

After Eric's post, I felt better. Just that nudge and a change of perspective was what I needed. Accept that this is life right now and he is not in it and that I need to focus on the people and things that are in my life and focus on me.

There is a lot of work to do on me, so really, that should take up quite a bit of time!

Nero, I get your feelings about being touched or even talking to Skippy. Sometimes I think I miss the Skippy in my head more than I miss who he is now. Any familiarity that we once shared is long gone.

He eventually responded to my text, about a day and half after I sent it. It was friendly, nothing special, nothing personal. But by that time, I pondered Eric's post and reshifted a bit and I found that by the time the response came, it really was a day late and a dollar short.

Maybe you are starting to feel that way, too? That your H has become a stranger. I imagine that feels even stranger up close. Haven't seen Skippy in a long time but I almost can no longer imaging seeing him. Too much baggage.

Depression is an insidious thing. It burrows into your brain and it won't let go. I am trying different things but it truly is amazing when I can't even seem to get out of bed in the morning and it takes a heculean effort to shove myself out of bed. Sometimes I make it, sometimes I don't. I make it more than I don't, so I will take that as progress.

[LoisB]

Portia, do you think you need treatment for the depression? I can't remember if you are seeing a counselor. I know how awful it is. I think, however, I felt depressed off and on until about a month ago...Seemed like I needed to feel it before I was able to really embrace that Smokey is gone, gone and may never return. Really EMBRACE it. Then, I let it out and cried. Still have some tears hear and there.