What are you thoughts on disclosure of the affair to family, both mine and that of my WW? I haven't done this because of the obvious complications that could develop should we try to reconcile...not everyone may be as forgiving. The reason I ask is because I wonder whether they should be afforded the courtesy of operating within the facts of our current situation?
I know that this would be a bell that couldn't be unrung, but by keeping her secret am I enabling her to continue living her secret life?
Exposure is against DB teaching. I did it, and it worked very well, but in hindsight I wish I had only done so to a smaller circle of people (I probably would have kept MY family out of it, for the reasons you state).
I certainly wouldn't recommend you LIE to cover up her affair, but proactively exposing is something you would have to get advice on elsewhere.
I'm a little worried about this upcoming cruise. It's a week in close proximity to her family. They were surprised to learn that we sleep in separate rooms. They'll probably be even more surprised when I take less of her sh*t than usual.
I mentioned wanting to get a massage at some point...to which she started grumbling about spending her money and pissing her off. I pointed out that (1) we earn the EXACT same salary and anything she earns extra comes at the expense of her time away from the family and that (2) I haven't had any physical contact from a person over 3' tall in nearly as many years. Grumbling stopped and sulky silence commenced. I'm not sure how her parents would react if we had that exchange in front of them.
I don't think I would do it. My wife had a PA for 2 months a couple years ago and now I believe may still be having an EA with some guy. I want to work things out with my W so I am not going to share any of this with her family. The way I look at it I don't need anyone knowing our business. My W's family knows I want this marriage and that it's their daughter who wants out. My wife told them it's because I'm controlling etc but who wouldn't be trying to hear who their wife is talking to or texting if they're trying to figure out if she having an affair - my wife calls that being controlling and violating her boundaries. I understand it's not right but my W thinks these affairs are justified and a symptom of our marriage. I have an uphill battle to figure out what needs to be fixed in our marriage so she won't have that desire for a P or E affair but instead will look to me for intimacy and understanding.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
People in affairs almost always accuse their betrayed spouses of being "controlling" if they in ANY way try to get in the way of their "drug of choice" (their affair partner).
I like what an old poster here named Jayne once said about BOUNDARIES. It's perhaps the best, most simple definition I've ever seen, and so I saved it:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
We just got back from the cruise - I didn't tell anyone about the A, even though there were more than a few moments where I felt inclined to do so. It's just a bell that can't be unrung.
One thing that I did finally decide, though, was that it seems like her family would believe me if I told them all of what she's done since we got married. Her father and I have had a running argument (playful) for several years now over his return policy. My W does a lot of ball-busting with her family, especially with her dad and brother. Once she starts, her dad starts commiserating with me, usually to the tune of: FiL: Do you hear this? Can you believe what she said? M: Yeah...I get to live with that! FiL: I told you at the wedding...no returns! M: Lemon laws should come into play at some point! ...you get the picture.
More telling, though, was at the end of the last night of the cruise her mother told me that she understood that my W wasn't the easiest person to get along with and that she knew I had my hands full in trying to deal with her, and that she wished she had a magic wand to wave and make my WW a better wife. I've gotta tell you...it was a tempting moment to disclose some of the details.
