I don't know how much I'd sweat the fact that she's not seeing an IC. You probably won't get to choose the IC, and the IC may not be pro-marriage. My W is seeing a therapist, and she's just turned out to be another enabler. Last week my W told me they were spending time analyzing my parent's relationship. Really? My parents live far away -- at twice a year visits, my W barely knows them, and she first met them 17 years after I had left their house. What does she know of my childhood experience with my parents except that I thought it was pretty good. And the therapist has never met me or my parents. What kind of therapist is that?
And I am with you when you say it is hard to learn not to react, because you have little control. You can't plan. It's not in your nature to watch. Well, maybe it will help to keep realizing that you have control over your half. Plan that. And maybe realize too that that total lack of control may be the feeling that your WAW had that drove her to this point. And start figuring out how you contributed to that, and how you might address that in yourself. Wrap your head around that challenge, because you will benefit more from that than worrying about A, etc. At least that is what my logical self keeps telling me to do. (and I'm becoming a better listener)
