I've been married for 16 years, I was 22 and H was 21 when we got married. I got pregnant on our honeymoon. (was told by Dr I couldn't have kids). Our marriage wasn't perfect we had issues just like most couples, Kids, money, family, past hurts. (H had really bad childhood, lost both parents and sister) I thought my husband loved me and would always be faithful. I never second guessed his commitment to me. He knew some issues I had from my past and he would never hurt me on purpose. H is shy and an introvert, has a very stressful job and works a lot of hours. When he would be distant he would always say he was busy and stressed at work. I would also tell myself that his childhood past was the reason he couldn't be affectionate with me. That he loved me in his own way. That he didn't have a father that taught him how to be a man and how to treat his wife. He is a great dad and he does what he needs to provide for his family. Even though we had issues I Loved him and I thought our marriage was okay. Boy was I wrong.
On Sept 27 2013 my world came crashing down. For some time my H was being more distant not really wanting to talk to me when I would ask questions not going places with me spending more time on his computer or phone. I had asked him twice (the last time was a week before the truth came out) if he had cheated on me and both times he answered NO! I felt that there was more to the story so one day I went online to look at his phone log ( I have never done this before) what I found was the same number called 37 times within a months’ time for a total of 13hours of talk time. I called the number and a lady answered the phone. He told me he was working late that night so I decide to call him on the phone and ask him who the lady was, he said just a friend. So I called her back and sent a text. She told me they were more than friends and had been dating for a month. (Found out later that he was with her when I called him). Over the course of a few months I think I have the whole story of my husband’s affairs. Most of this discover is from me digging. H would lie when I would ask him Q’s just for me to later to find out the truth.
H told me that he hasn't been “in Love with me” for some time. Maybe 6 years. He would do things to appease me to make me happy not that he wanted to but then he would resent me for those things. He said he hid part of himself from me and has never really let me 100%. He admitted to watching porn most of our marriage some times for hours at a time. About 5 years ago he wasn't getting what he needed from the porn so he went on a dating website and beginning talking to women. He meet one person once and she took care of his needs. He said it freaked him out and he felt so guilt that he stopped everything till last year. I was out of town with the kids visiting family and friends. He was at home working and he said he got lonely and he went to some porn sites but that wasn't enough, so he went back to the dating website. He made up a fake name and created a different email address. Over the course of a year he meet 6 women in person, two he had sex with multiple times over the course of a year (once a month, he used vacation time to see them), the others he made out with, the last one he “fell in love with”. I've done a lot of things wrong, screaming, cussing, hitting, kicking, telling him to leave, then begging him to stay and throwing myself at him, calling the women to get their side of the story, reading emails and IM messages, seeing photos sent and received. It has been a very big roller coaster ride these last months. The things I've heard from these lady’s and the things I've read are stuck in my mind they wake me up at night, They pop up all the time, and it is really hard for me to push them down. I've lost over 20 pounds, I don’t go out much anymore I void friends. I keep comparing how my H is with me and how my H was with these other women. There are times I look at my H and I hate him and I feel sick to my stomach, in some ways I just want him out of the house. I think it would be easier to just start over fresh then try to make things work. H has cut off all communication with the women. Deleted dating profile and email (even though I hacked back into it) he gave me the password to his computer and his cell phone and downloaded find my friends on Iphone. H says he wants M to work and he is trying to work thur what/why he did what he did. He goes to IC to work on some of his issues and I go to IC to work on anger and bitterest. We went to MC for a month but therapist said H needed to work on some of his issues before we could work on M. Even though I see that he is trying in some ways I don’t know if it is enough for me to want to stay any more. My self-esteem and self-confidence has really taking a hit. He says he feels really guilt and ashamed of what he did, he can’t break thur the ice to the point where he can be intimate with me. That he feels so bad for the things he said to all those women and the things that he has done that he can’t just do those with me. I see it that he isn't attractive to me and doesn't want to be close to me. In some ways it feels like it did before I found out about the affairs.
He told me about a month ago that when we fight he thinks about the last person. I asked him to deal with his thoughts and he asked me “How do I deal with them”. I told him that he should move out till he can deal with those thoughts. He wouldn't leave the house. He told his therapist about it this weekend and she said he was being too honest and those kind of things he doesn't need to tell me and he should wait and talk them out with her before he tells me.
I don’t know what to do any more. I haven’t read any of the DB books. I guess one of my questions would be will the books help me since I’m the one that wants him to leave and he wants to stay and make it work.
I am glad you found our site and yes, you should read Divorce Remedy, it will give you some insight on how things got so off track. To get clarity on whether you should stay and work on marriage and how to do that, I suggest you talk to a DB coach. You will feel stronger and more in control when you have a plan on how to go forward and have an expert in your corner. Take good care
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
She was very close to becoming a WAS like you are. I don't think her H ever had any affairs, but she wrestled with a lot of the same issues you are. I think you'll relate to her struggles. She has been reconciled with her H for quite some time and now spreads her wisdom and unique perspective across these forums.
And like Karen said, do read DR, you'll find it helpful. A DB coach can help as well.
I can understand why you don't trust your H right now, he has really violated your trust multiple times. He sounds like a serial cheater. Your M can recover from that, but it's a long road to recovery. And if you do decide to reconcile, I would make it clear to your H that he gets no more chances. If he chooses to have an A again then he's out of the picture for good.
You wrote: I don’t know what to do any more. I haven’t read any of the DB books. I guess one of my questions would be will the books help me since I’m the one that wants him to leave and he wants to stay and make it work.
The answer to the question about DB, is Yes, it will help YOU. For me, Dbing is about letting go of the past and what I cannot control, which is a LOT.
And going "from this day forward" as the vows suggest. (More and more I think that line was brilliantly inserted into most marriage vows) I am a better woman and a happier person, b/c of what the DB process and looking inward, "revealed" to me.
Two main thoughts come to my mind. First, I cannot tell you that you should or must stay married. No one can.
An affair is too much for some folks to get over, ever, no matter what their spouses do to make up for it. I don't begrudge them for that. Even if they forgive their spouse and mean it, for some, the trust just does not come back.
I don't know if that^^ is your situation but it's something YOU will need to eventually know. B/C truly, truly, if you cannot forgive him at some point and trust him again, just end it, if & when you know that's you.
Second, a case in point. Growing up, we had neighbors including a retired AF Colonel who had been a POW for 7 YEARS in Vietnam. I was a teenager. I'd ask him questions about it but his w would interrupt or change the topic.
I really assumed she was protecting him. One day she was not around but he made a comment about his release day, and I asked him if he was reticent to discuss it and he said "No, not at all"...however--
I knew he'd had an affair some years earlier...
Oh, what's that? How did I know he'd had an affair before we ever met? Everyone in the neighborhood knew b/c his w would somehow leak it. Her kids knew too.
I believe She wanted to keep punishing him. She never forgave him. But she stayed married, and they were mostly miserable together, til the day he died. They had 5 kids.
Today, 30+ years later, ONE is married, 3 are divorced (2 of them are twice or thrice divorced) and one never married...some legacy she left them.
She could have shown them a legacy of: commitment, loving forgiveness and redemption.
Instead, She made the worst choice she could have made. She chose to stay married, AND stay miserable.
OTOH The Affair spouse has to know that at some point down the road, the Sword of Damacles won't be hanging over their head, nor will the affair be thrown in their face the rest of their lives every time they argue or every time he's late from work.
And the LBS has to believe it won't happen again (KEY) and
that real remorse is shown and felt (which seems to make it less likely to happen again).
Sounds as if your h does feel remorse. But you don't know the rest yet, correct?
Might that just take time & effort on both ends?
Oh, there's a book called "After the Affair" I've heard is very helpful.
Yes I have seen marriages recover from affairs. In my experience they recovered after AN affair was discovered. (I don't know if more than one A had happened.)
I DO understand why starting fresh is appealing. But the thing is, that's what most WASs say (WAS=Walk away spouses) too. They'd rather start fresh than work on their m. But if you never learn to resolve a conflict, you are missing a life skill. Like never changing the oil in a car, then it breaks down and instead of learning to take it in for oil changes, you keep trading it in for a newer car...never learning to maintain it!
Back to your/my questions....How is he as a father?
And YES DB books will help you put the focus on what YOU CAN CONTROL, and off what you cannot control,
(such as changing the past, which none of us can do but a lot of us seem to want to...SO not a productive use of our time)...
DO read the DB book (Divorce Busting was the first one, and Divorce Remedy is more or less the 2nd edition). You don't need to read both, though I did. And without this site and my coach, I could and would not have stayed married. But that's ME.
Hang in there. This is a great place (site) to be, for a lousy reason.
Keep posting (numbers of your first posts matter somehow, so at first you should post more often -shorter posts, so your posts will generate more responses faster). Just For now, can you hang in there, read the book and get support here?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Bravo, 25 and AS. Love your stuff. They give such wise counsel. I also like the quote from A Course in Miracles -- "Forgiveness paints a picture of the world where suffering is over, loss becomes impossible, and anger makes no sense. Attack is gone, and madness has end." And also this "The only meaningful prayer is for forgiveness because those who have been forgiven have everything." Really forgiving my H was the best thing I did, and I had long thought it impossible. Hang in there. . .
Bravo, 25 and AS. Love your stuff. They give such wise counsel. I also like the quote from A Course in Miracles -- "Forgiveness paints a picture of the world where suffering is over, loss becomes impossible, and anger makes no sense. Attack is gone, and madness has end." And also this "The only meaningful prayer is for forgiveness because those who have been forgiven have everything." Really forgiving my H was the best thing I did, and I had long thought it impossible. Hang in there. . .
Great quotes. My signature block says Forgiveness is your way out of hell" which is from Marianne Williamson's book on ACM...
and her books helped me, especially with the turning over to God. Which would help here, I think
I would say to God, out loud (in the shower in case the kids were around),
"I turn this marriage/pain/anger, over to You, God..." and I suppose
the thought of it, then saying it out loud and then hearing yourself say it, helped it sink in. And it calmed and soothed me. That helped keep me from losing it on h.
See if it helps...and keep posting!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
