own buz 22:mediation to reconcilliation, hopefully

[KenF]

obviously he's not ready. or not willing. the reason doesnt matter, it is not going to happen any time soon. understand this.

his words and actions are telling you to back off.

his "confusion" may last a long time. there is nothing you can say or do to speed it up. but every time you meddle, it adds more time.

so just stop.

and whenever you try to manipulate and get him to commit, or to buy a house together, or force reconciliation by texting what the mediator said, you just add to the mess. you're continuously making it worse.

go back to dividing the business, stop trying to tie the business into the relationship.

if the relationship is going to ever be resurrected, then just step back and give it time.



the "confusion" above is quoted because i dont believe he's confused, i believe he's in damage control mode. he's trying to save the work-relationship by saying whatever he thinks will make you back-off.

[makingmagic]

HI GM... haha ... thanks for your revised opinion. LOL

Funny you should suggest that... THAT is exactly what the old Magic would attempt to do... to "Fix" it the way she knew she could. (not necessarily by the sex)

A few convos ago... I asked him what exactly it was that made our bond so special to him... His reply was that I was able to approach him when he was conflicted, hurt, p!ssed off, etc. My approach was able to calm him down and join us as one....just by a kiss.

[job]

Magic,
Do you recognize this posting of February 13, 2014?

"Hi Guys... I totally understand. I lived a life like that, constantly walking on egg shells trying to please him.. A few months ago, I made the decision (finally) to accept that we were broken up and he was miserable and I wasn't going to let it affect me any further. I was encouraged by many to stand up to him.. I was scared to death that standing up for myself was going to send him over the edge and be DONE, DONE, DONE, with me....forever. Boy, was I wrong!!

It turns out that it is an attractive feature, my therapist insisted I become attractive. He began to look at me in a different way. I am not the lost desperate woman hanging on his pantleg, anymore. How unattractive is that? THIS is how you guys are appearing!!! Do you know how much you are working AGAINST yourself?

I now make it a daily effort to not fear the outcome. Stand up and value myself. Stand behind my word, thought, decision, etc. and mean it! To STOP making my self worth conditional on other people.

It has made the difference. He no longer has a puppet that will do as told. They don't appreciate that anyway (taken for granted). He is interested in the new magic, who does not stand for his crap & calls him out on it.

Its true... We do teach others how to treat us.

We went for mediation the other day, and out of that reconcilliation has become a possible option at this point.

You have to decide if you REALLY want your relationship? If you do, you really don't want to be in one that requires you to be on eggshells... do you? You deserve better. So decide if your new relatiohship will be on eggshells or not? Start at this point."

[makingmagic]

Hi Ken... Thanks... I wasnt sure what his actions were telling me as he said last night when I stated he was giving me conflicting messages... he chuckled and said because he was confused. This morning he said his actions are not reflective of his feelings.

But.. at this point. I will STOP. I will let him process stuff more. AS you suggest, I will step back and give it time. I am not interested in making it worse... I HEAR YOU!! Thank you!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

recalling convo:

1) why did you mention being swept off your feet? Is that what you are looking for?

H: .... No. I just think everyone wants that. (referring to that this rel'p with OW is not like that... ours was)

2) why did you bring up the mediators suggestion for hotel?

H: ... because I still have feelings that aren't reflective of my actions. I know I am non committal. I would love to spend the day .... (listed loving activities). Said he would like a week/vacation.

3) why do you think mediator suggested a hotel?

H: ... To get us back to a happy place.

~~~ at this point I was trying to understand as well why she would sugggest this.

H: ... because she is a counceller with experience, comes from a lifetime of her fathers background in marriage councelling.

Me: Yes, but she must be wanting us to look and think about this. Lets look at the positives/negatives

H: .... happy place, fun, repeated fun, & more (he was now starting to shut down). Expalined how his friend that he speaks with has a horrible relationship/separation and we are not at all like them.

Me: Negatives? are the risks worth the reward?

H: ... I can't think of any, but its fair to say that their could be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for the reminder JOB... are you suggesting that I am "being" unattractive/clingy right now? ... or to continue to stand up for and continue to value myself?

[makingmagic]

In retrospect... I think that the councellor is suggesting time together is ... throwing all the ingredients into the recipe. To include passion and desire into the confusion to possibly help with clarity. The benefits of a good working relationship is that sex/affection helps us thru the ugly stuff. Thats why we do it. Thats why it works.

just my .02

[job]

Magic,
No, I'm pointing out that your writing style and thought processes are very different in the February 13th posting and I think you know exactly what you are doing and need to do in your situation.

I think I have figured you out and no, I am not engaging any more today with you. I have given you your ego kibbles for today.

[makingmagic]

Thanks Job.... hence, I am conflicted. I do not know what I am doing ... at all. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Right now all I know:

~ is that I need to STFU.
~ he has emotions/feelings/desires
~ he is not ready and/or not willing
~ I am not financially secure...still (not sure if this is the time to continue with separation...or stall for a bit, to allow less pressure)


Ken... I didn't see this until now: "the "confusion" above is quoted because i dont believe he's confused, i believe he's in damage control mode. he's trying to save the work-relationship by saying whatever he thinks will make you back-off"..... HMMMM, I need to process this! Do you think he is ONLY saying this because of saving work-rel'p? Not any part of a personal rel'p?

[PatientMan]

You did not advise me until after the message was sent.

I am slightly confused. You posted "SENT" at 7:43pm EST yesterday, AFTER a good bit of dialogue here in your thread.

...

I am not making any accusations regarding you and alcohol, however I have an assignment for you. Alcohol messes with your brain in a many ways, and not just when you are in an inebriated state. Clearing it out of your system completely can restore you to hormonal and chemical balance, and possibly provide you with a clarity of thought you may not currently have.

So your assignment is to abstain from any consumption of alcohol for one month. After one month, see how you feel. You may find you are sleeping better. You may find your emotions stabilizing. Or you you may feel the same. There really is no down side, and there is a potential for an upside. So no matter the outcome, it's worth a shot.

Are you on board?

-PM

[KenF]

my guess is he's saying it because he has to see you every day. and you're spinning out of control with talk of reconciliation and buying houses etc. so in desperation he says something to try to calm you down, but then that throws you into another tizzy so he tries another approach, and you respond with something that causes him to react but then that backfires on him.

so you're both overreacting to each other and in continuous panic mode. and like you he doesnt know when to just stfu.

you've created this endless cycle of chaos. so its become just a matter of immediate damage control with no thoughts of future.

and "i'm confused" is such an easy way to get out of taking responsibility for ones actions. as is claiming not to understand, or being dense, or being drunk, or being mlc.



you were both in much better places before the mediator. since that meeting you've been more of a wreck. and he's been more "confused" and absolutely nothing has been accomplished.

so in that respect the mediator is a failure. she did nothing but cause confusion and overreactions. and has anything actually been legally accomplished as far as division of assets?

[makingmagic]

Hi PM... HOnestly.. this is not an issue. I can totally do what you are suggesting. But, you are not realizing that unlike the OLD me... I am now drinking less than socially. And definately WAYYY less than EVER. Last weekend, for example.. I had not even an interest or a flavor... I drank water and was fine with that... all weekend, haven't had any all week either. I am typically a social drinker, and am comfortable to maintain that status. When BD, I stopped drinking... I was sleeping way less. Harder to fall asleep. Waking up several times through the night. I really think alcohol used to help me to relax. I used to be a deep/sound sleeper.

Do you still think I need this test? I am on board, but think its moot at this point.