Well we had our first court date yesterday. I believe my H forgot since he called me as I was going into court and said he talked to his attorney and she said no worries he didn't have to show and I didn't need to either. I stated my attorney wanted me to be there. The judge marked down that I was there and he was not. Not sure if that will make a difference in the future. We have not been able to agree on all of the custody arrangements so instead of going back in forth the judge ordered that we go to mediation. Anyone that has went through that process I would really appreciate advice on what this entails. It will just be us to and the mediator. I also found out - SHOCKING - to me that he does not care about our real estate. This was a huge issue at the beginning. He apparently has told his attorney - we can sell both places, he will keep both, I can have one or the other. I need to find out finances before making that decision. Huge concession on his part if what he told his attorney is truly true. I think he just wants this over:( Sad thing is we are actually becoming friends again. I had asked him about an exercise he brought up a tape to give to me. Let me have the children on his day for an event. Had me stay a bit longer. Is thankful instead of being sarcastic. It is great that we are starting to be friends but HURTS so very very much to know he does not love me. I'm glad I'm in counseling because I have am having a hard time dealing with that part. I also found out he finally told his closest friends today that he was in the process of a divorce. He had told no one but his immediate family up until this point. I have to say I am learning so very very much through this process. People ask me if I am pro marriage right now. I told them if I knew how hard divorce was I would have worked so much harder at my marriage. Sad thing is I truly see a couple of the biggest issues that caused my husband to walk away. I guess it is true what they say about hind sight being 20/20. I will continue working every day.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
We have not been able to agree on all of the custody arrangements so instead of going back in forth the judge ordered that we go to mediation. Anyone that has went through that process I would really appreciate advice on what this entails.
Mediation is not that bad. Unless you are far apart on the custody agreement, the mediator will encourage you to compromise in order to avoid a lengthy court battle. Because you'll probably end up in close to the same place but be out thousands of dollars in legal fees.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Thanks Drew. Does everything have to be hammered out that same day? I just can't stand the thought of losing my children even more time. I feel I am being overly generous as it is. I feel as if I have compromised all I can. He probably feels the same way. If for example there is an absolute we can't agree on. What happens then. For example I don't celebrate Christmas. I gave him Christmas and Christmas Eve every year. In exchange I asked for the the full day of Thanksgiving. He still wants 1/2 of that. This is the 1 day of the year that I see and my children see some of my family. If neither of us can agree does the mediator make the final decision. In regards to time with the kids could one of us lose more time than the other. He wants 50/50. I feel the kids are very young they should be with their mom more. It's like 60/40 now. I know your not a mediator. Just wondered since you've been through it how it works? Thanks
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
For me, it only took two sessions and we didn't have everything hammered out, just agreed to work together towards an agreement we both could live with. Notice I didn't say COMPLETELY happy with, just one we both could live with.
Sorry, but I'm a strong proponent of 50/50. Kids need their Dad just as much as their Mom.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
mic, sorry if I missed this - do you have an attorney?
According to the expert I have spoken with, kids that young (at least the two littlest) should not be in a 50/50 custody situation. Little guys like that need to have a home base with visitation to the other home - not two homes. As they get older, it makes sense to transition more toward a 50/50 arrangement.
Are the kids used to being with Dad as much as you? I have taken care of my kids since they were born. My H has been around, yes, but I have always been the primary caretaker by far. Suddenly shoving them (even at ages 7 and 9) into a 50/50 situation is not in their best interest.
I'm not saying that kids should be kept from their father - no way. Just remind your H, it's not about him. It's about the kids.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Hi melissag I do have a great attorney (according to my husband he asked me why did you have to hire an attorney known as being a scorched earth attorney to her opponets- Umm sorry I wasn't going to get a disillusionment - And I need to protect myself and the children finacially.) So he also went and hired one of the best attorneys in the city. I am being overly generous right now and I actually am (heart breaks over this) allow my son - 7 months now to spend overnights with their dad and I go in and nurse every day. I wanted to keep him - technically he could get about 4 hours a week but my other two are so close to him especially the two year old who is having melt downs about me being away - gets terrified when her "baby" leaves. I let them stay together. Both of our attorney's feel I am being overly generous. Maybe he will lose more time. No he worked a 100 hours a week in the past. Being in politics and a L - I was and am their primary caretaker. We never wanted day care so when I would go into work they came with me or if I went to our farm and gave lessons/camps they came and my parents helped watch. In between sessions I would nurse the child that needed nursed:)He started his own firm and can work from home now but how much work can you really get done with 3 young children. This weekend was the FIRST TIME HE EVER TOOK THEM TO THE PARK! He has softened in his responses to me the last few weeks but the last time I reminded him it was about the kids he said "you are going to get them for 70 years whats one more day to you" We have gotten to the point where I'm not backing down on the remaining issues. Right now we are sharing the house (one leaves when the other has parenting time but it is going to be so much harder on the kids when we have to pack them up and they leave instead of us) Today I showed him a letter from the school stating they want our oldest (6) to take a therapy class regarding parents who are separated/divorced. I told him I wanted to ask permission first from him. "He said ok, it can't hurt" but he looked as if he was going to cry. I think and I'm probably projecting here but he's beginning to see that "Yes the kids will be hurt" Instead of his earlier blase "If I'm happy then the kids will be happier". Not that any of this will change his mind.
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
At melissag I cry every single time I get in the car and pull away. He just has no clue how to care for kids. I even asked if I could care for them when they are sick until they reach the age of 12. They need their mother. He said No. He wants everything 50/50 except the money:)
W-38 H-42 T-11 M-8 C-6,2,6 months BD-Oct 1 2013 DFiled-Jan 6 2014 Went Dark - April 4, 2014
Holy cow, mic. You are nursing your baby and you are supposed to give your H (who on his own, decided to leave) 50/50 custody? That burns me up.
I kind of wonder about my H, and your H, whether they really want 50/50 or just think they are entitled to it, or should want it, or want to pay less child support, or what.
I see your H expects you to live to be 108 . . .
I got the same thing from my H about the kids being happier. If he thinks HE will be happier without me, and would prefer to jump ship rather than try to make things work, fine. Be selfish. But I don't know how he justifies the collateral damage to the kids. When we told them about the S, he just kept saying that it's something he HAS to do. And he cried. And they said, well, if it makes you so sad, why are you doing it? And he just kept saying, he HAS to do it. Like he has no choice. Like your H, he told me they will be happier because he will be happier. I might suggest that he offer up that explanation to the kids . . . .
But, you are right. None of this matters to them. They have a narrative in their heads and nothing we say or do is going to change it. So, you just make sure that you and your children get the most you are entitled to in this legal process. That's my plan.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I don't know where you live, or what the laws are there. Here in CO, it's not that hard for a Dad to get 50/50 custody. But, if the Dad lives in a tiny apartment, or doesn't have a car, or works 100 hours a week, or has never changed a diaper, that argues to at least START with him having less parenting time than Mom, who has always been the primary caretaker. I am sure your L will talk about this stuff with you, but just wanted to throw that out there.
As for him not knowing how to take care of kids, do you mean he is a danger to them, or he just won't do it the way you would, or to your standards? I have had to accept that he does not parent the way I would want him to, but my kids will probably survive. What kind of R they will have with him, I don't know, but I can't be in control of that. And neither can you. So as long as you think he will keep them safe, you need to get past the idea that he can't take care of them, because you are only driving yourself crazy.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
