Limbo is the new normal

[slow_it_down]

Needingmore, I'm really happy to hear things are going well for you in your sitch right now. Yay!

I like the line about being hesitant to admit about being in DB mode. Things are blurry for sure. I really don't feel like I spend any time thinking about how to get things back on track. Instead, I try to think through decisions/actions around 'how can I be supportive of him without being his wife.' If that means managing his bills while he's away, and making it easy for him to see his son, than those are things I can do.

Last night my H was over visiting our S. He was going on and on about all the elaborate meals he's been cooking the past few days. He loves to cook but virtually never cooks for me or my kids and almost never eats dinner when we are together no matter how many times I ask him to come home in time to eat with us.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how he has these different versions of himself. When we are together he doesn't eat dinner, hates his mom, is miserable all the time, works too much, can't plan more than a day ahead etc. Yet, the minute we are no longer together he starts cooking up a storm, doesn't work as much, is bff's with his mom and goes out to find the perfect job. Its really bizarre. Why can't I have that guy? What about our relationship makes him so different? Why when I ask him to come home earlier does he come home later and later? Why is he more reliable, consistent and puts more energy into caring for our son when we are apart?

With that being said, last night I thought about asking him why his lawyer hasn't filed yet because if I have a choice between being with him and being alone but getting a better version of him I would choose divorce. However, I decided to sit on that feeling for a bit just to see how I felt today before asking him about moving forward with the paperwork.

Then without even asking about the paperwork I get this today from my H: (via text) "Just know I'm sorry for a lot of things. I told my lawyer not to file anything. Sorry but I couldn't bring myself to do it."