Adjusting to my new reality

[labug]

Hey Reb, good to see you posing here.

Quick review: H moved out abruptly 19 months ago. We did mc for a few months last spring, but H made clear it was only to rebuild relationship with d18 & d16. Also did Retrouvaille last September, H still in mlc, no desire to work on relationship but he has noticed and commented frequently about me being a changed person. A year or less ago, ever comment or notice about changes would have been a firework in my brain hoping something would spark for him. Now it's an accepted reality and the marriage we had, the person I was seems so different. It's not a painful memory anymore, just a disbelief that half of my life was with H in a false sense of reality. We did the best we could... but now I sure know a lot better.

This sounds good. There are stages to this, as with everything in life, shock and awe > It was all my fault-I must change > it was all his fault-he must change > the truth is somewhere in the middle-I can only change me > I can't see myself not married > I see that my marriage wasn't as good as I liked to believe > I see that my marriage had good times and bad times and I have some wonderful memories > being not married has it's advantages > tho challenging, this has been a growth process that has helped me be in control of my life and has improved all my Rs.

I've thought about it & would like to say 'I know it's easy to say you're fine and dismiss help from people that love you, but I truly want to know how you're doing and I'm here for you.' I think I can say that while still being fairly detached.

Have you said this before? If not, you could say it. I wouldn't put words in in mouth or tell him how he feels.
Think hard about what "I'm here for you means" and ask yourself "am I, really?"

Basically H & I have no connection now. Haven't for many months. And it builds up a wall. I've been improving my life and am quite content most of the time. But I wonder if this wall will ever be scaled if I don't throw up a ladder first.

Yes, you do have connection, you're writing here about wanting to contact him.

Walls are the only way some people set boundaries. Respect his boundary and respect you by continuing to work on you. Moving through the stages of this (whatever those stages are) and not getting stuck is the key.

(((reb)))