But the point is that you haven't been very patient and have been pressuring. Everyone else seems to be able to see it except for you. Have you ever thought that MAYBE you're the one that's mistaken? From what I've seen, the exhaustion comes from you constantly pressuring him for answers (yes you do that and I don't care how many times you debate that you don't). Then when you get the answer YOU want you get thrown into a tizzy and add more pressure.
I mean, come on, those of us who have been posting to you for awhile have gotten exhausted from posting to you sometimes. It seems to stem from your end even though you can't seem to see it. Again, that's your inability to see another person's POV. You just can't let it go. Then you twist the comments around (several have noticed this) and our posts to you end up being pages long.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
But the point is that you haven't been very patient and have been pressuring. Everyone else seems to be able to see it except for you. Have you ever thought that MAYBE you're the one that's mistaken? From what I've seen, the exhaustion comes from you constantly pressuring him for answers (yes you do that and I don't care how many times you debate that you don't). Then when you get the answer YOU want you get thrown into a tizzy and add more pressure. TRUE
I mean, come on, those of us who have been posting to you for awhile have gotten exhausted from posting to you sometimes. It seems to stem from your end even though you can't seem to see it. Again, that's your inability to see another person's POV. You just can't let it go. Then you twist the comments around (several have noticed this) and our posts to you end up being pages long. Not understanding your point
Oh and this...
"If he wasn't entertaining the OW, I would be more inclined to be patient and listen."
Is so controlling.True. But I didn't say that to him...its for my benefit
Either you listen and be patient, or you don't. There should be no conditions to this if you want to get him to open up to you.I want to listen, but I am tired of HIS confusion, which is why I suggested what he suggested...councelling
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"True. But I didn't say that to him...its for my benefit "
I thought you said the subject of the other friend didnt' come up? You really have to work on communicating better. I'm getting confused.
"I want to listen, but I am tired of HIS confusion,"
Umm sorry but with listening comes compassion for his confusion. If you don't want to deal with it, then move on. Incidentally, if you don't want to deal with his troubles, then you shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with him. That's what M is. Helping each other when you're at your worst. Which is something you don't want to hear from him anymore.
"which is why I suggested what he suggested...councelling"
That's not "listening" and understanding.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
OK then Mrbond... what do you suggest I do/say from this point on?
I do want to listen.... but all he does is confirm confusion. When I listen, its like he is "explaining" to me more "i dont know".... like I am asking/pressuring him. I don't want him to feel that pressure and I am NOT asking him during these convos. They get circular.
At this point, My suggestion was to follow through with councelling or further separation.
Where do I go from here? What do you suggest?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Last night, he was telling me his feelings on two issues. He mentioned during our last 2 convo's he wanted to go to councelling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some of the things I recall him saying:
~ He was attempting to reiterate my comment from the other day of being 2nd choice... He stated: If his beginning with the OW was anything like ours (whirlwind), he would be long gone. (I think this means, don't worry so much M, I'm still here).
~ Our mediator suggested that we get a hotel room. He feels it would be super easy to get back to the fun stuff. He is afraid that in a short time it will relapse back to old R.
~ I asked him and he wrote it down. What would help ease his fear of the above?
~ He does have emotions and feelings for me.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Sure..its strange. But the mediator is a professional on conflict resolution. She is a lawyer too. Her husband is a divorce lawyer. Her father is a marriage counceller. Her website is alot of keeping marriages together. So... guess that was her angle. She does see it, we displayed it. He recognizes it and says it often to me.
~
I would like to expand on our conversation around the mediators suggestion of a hotel room.... He said he is not looking for me to be his f-buddy. This would stir up more.
I would like to ask him more about the mediators suggestion. I think she was suggesting that we get a room to allow passion/emotion to enter the equation. Clarity will be found. As it will help determine if the risk is worth the reward...... but I won't.
I do not want to pressure or control the situation more than it might already be for him ATM.
GM.. I feel I made that clear to him last night. That due to his confusion, we keep going in circles. So, no more R talks unless a councellor is involved. He sends me many mixed messages. I am pulled into HIS confusion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sent that text around 7pm last night... he didn't reply. I am not sure why because he normally texts/calls back immediately. All I was "expecting" was acknowleging receipt. Did this message make him mad?
I am being patient.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I dunno Gabby... Thanks for your input. I think he really wants to ML to me. He doesn't want me to be f-buddy. Still confused.
Bond... you want me to listen to others POV.. what is yours?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"Bond... you want me to listen to others POV.. what is yours?"
Are you seriously asking me this? I spent alot of time and effort yesterday explaining what was going on and what you need to do and you ask me again? It's like you didn't read anything I wrote.
GM got it right off the bat.
I'll say this ONE LAST TIME.
He opened up to you which was a good sign. HOWEVER, you can't seem to stop making this all about you so you didn't want to hear it. This shows you have NO patience despite how much you say that you do. You can't stop controlling. I told you not to send the message saying that you didn't want to hear anything about his issues and your relationship unless there were a third party, but you sent it anyway. YOU essentially told him "I don't want to hear about your issues, go f yourself and talk to someone else about it because I can't handle it." So you put him in the arms of someone else.
Like GM said, either you start learning to listen or you walk away for good.
All this, AGAIN shows how you haven't changed at all. You make his journey all about you and whatever progress he shows you isn't good enough.
You want to be his "wife" but you don't want to listen to his problems. Sorry to disappoint you, but ALL relationships are going to be like that. Either you learn to listen to your other half or you'll end up alone.
If you don't want to listen to him, end the business, end the relationship and move on.
I'm not going to tell you EXACTLY what to do because you evidently don't listen. This train wreck is going on because of you and not him. I'm not being mean-spirited, I'm just being brutally honest. Every answer you could ever want or need has already been explained to you time and time and time and time again in your past posts. Look for your answers in there rather than constantly asking the same ones.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"Bond... you want me to listen to others POV.. what is yours?"
Are you seriously asking me this? yes, because you say I am not listening to others POV.. I wanted to hear more of yours.I spent alot of time and effort yesterday explaining "explaining" but I want to hear your suggestions what was going on and what you need to do and you ask me again? It's like you didn't read anything I wrote. believe me... I read it!
GM got it right off the bat.
I'll say this ONE LAST TIME.can't we "discuss" or do you always have to "tell" this is not "teaching"
He opened up to you which was a good sign. HOWEVER, you can't seem to stop making this all about you so you didn't want to hear it. This shows you have NO patience despite how much you say that you do.TRUE...time to dig for more You can't stop controlling. I told you not to send the message saying that you didn't want to hear anything about his issues and your relationship unless there were a third party, but you sent it anyway. You did not advise me until after the message was sent. YOU essentially told him "I don't want to hear about your issues, go f yourself and talk to someone else about it because I can't handle it." So you put him in the arms of someone else.
Like GM said, either you start learning to listen or you walk away for good.I am a student... please teach! not just give 2x4's when I screw up.
All this, AGAIN shows how you haven't changed at all. You make his journey all about you and whatever progress he shows you isn't good enough.I can see that.
You want to be his "wife" but you don't want to listen to his problems. Sorry to disappoint you, but ALL relationships are going to be like that. Either you learn to listen to your other half or you'll end up alone.I am a student... I am listening. Like a student, on the test, I have some wrong and some right!
If you don't want to listen to him, end the business, end the relationship and move on.
I'm not going to tell you EXACTLY what to do because you evidently don't listen. Why can't you explain "exactly"... maybe I would hear you betterThis train wreck is going on because of you and not him. I'm not being mean-spirited, I'm just being brutally honest. okEvery answer you could ever want or need has already been explained to you time and time and time and time again in your past posts. Look for your answers in there rather than constantly asking the same ones.k, however, I feel that as each new situation arises, it puts me in a new place for possible different answers/solutions. So, that is why I have asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spoke with him this morning. I said, "I still feel the way I do as in the text, but that I DO want to LISTEN to you".
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
