Dealing with Uncertainty...

[NeedingMore]

HeyGroov,
I posted to your thread yesterday. I am doing well. Things in the new place are great. I started commuting 1 1/2 hours back in Novemeber after finding a new job that I could make enough money at and still have the flexibility to finish my degree. Everyone comments on the commute and how awful it would be to do...but I found it was my time to think and think I did! It was during one of those thoughtful drives that I had a moment with God that has changed my life. I spoke to him through tears (I am now a master at crying and driving) and asked that he take control of my life and stop the pain that I was living in. I think he could see that I really meant it that time because the next morning I woke up and I have not cried over my sitch since. Sure, I have been sad or worried...but I have not been hopeless or down on my knees as I was prior to that day. It was as if He finally said "Ok, that's all she can take...I will lighten her heavy heart because she has learned and now can be trusted with her own heart." I forged on with the new job and saved enough money to move. I looked for a place nearby my work that would be in a great area for my kids to go to school. I found both. And not only did these things gracefully fall into place, but they are continuing to be better than I imagined. I LOVE my home. I have happily worked hard at making it the most loving and welcoming it can be. My kids' schools are wonderful. They actually both start their first days tomorrow but everyone we have met so far is amazing. Little blessings keep happening like the new speech teacher for my D11 is excellent and I was worried about taking her out of the one she was in. My D13 has a soccer coach that is a teacher at her school whom we randomly ran into on orientation day and we were worried because she needed a new team and we didn't know where to start. Today I found a wonderful dentist who made appointments for myself and my kids and works around our schedules and is SO nice. This stuff may sound mundane, but when you have a string of either zero luck, bad luck or actual horrible events take place in your life making you struggle for the past 6 years or so...having these things fall into place so easily and working together so well is amazing. My college classes are awesome (all A's!) and I am loving my job!

So...to answer you I am doing excellent! As far as my BF...he did end up helping me move...and we had a wonderful day together last Saturday. He came over in the morning after getting done with a 12 hour shift. The cable guy had just gotten here so in lieu of snuggling in bed I made him breakfast, we drank mimosas, and talked a lot. It was so nice to have him over and when he was here it felt like he was home. Since we split, every time we see each other it has been at his house which is someone elses home he rents a room in. Even though my new place is different, it has more of "our" things in it and with his watch on the counter and his uniform hanging up and his shoes in the middle of the floor...it felt like he was home and a bit like it used to.
When the cable guy left we went to bed. I was feeling a little under the weather and he was exhausted so it was nice to go back to bed and snuggle. It was very cozy. I got up later and he slept while I did homework. I had to leave for work so I left him here and left some meals for him in the freezer with a note. Later that evening he texted to thank me for everything and said I was so sweet. And he loved me. This week we both have work and finals and I have the kids. We text a little and that's it.

I want very badly for him to call me all the time to talk and for him to come home after work. I miss him even since Saturday. BUT...this is where we are right now. It must be this way for a reason and although I want more...and don't understand completely why it can't be that way...I have no desire to push the issue.

When I pray to God to stop my pain, He did. So I pray to Him to heal us completely and He will. I will wait. And I will recognize when the healing happens and when miracles happen around me. I am enjoying my kids...and appreciating the time I have with my BF. I saw a look in his eyes the other day that I haven't seen for awhile. I have a lot of faith in that. I love him so much!

Long winded in my answer once again, sorry. I get on here sometimes and this stuff just flows out. Whether it makes sense or not, I don't always know! But...I am happier than I have been in a very long time. So that is huge!

I want that for you Groov! I know you will be there if you're not already!