Reaching out for support and advice 3

[bluesgal]

Ok, schedule has been set for the month of March. Yep, when H left in tears nearly a month ago, there was no set amount of time he'd be gone. "I don't know" is now his middle name.

Setting the schedule for March was an eye opener for me to accept that this is my new reality. He is going to be gone for a long time and maybe forever. I am so glad to have the drama/spewing/anger out of my home, but now it's very quiet here. We are on our own.

I spent the weekend being snowed in on Friday-bonus day with the kids-loved every minute of it.

Then, my rollercoaster. I brought our garbage/recyclables to the dump for the first time (was always H job). I unloaded everything and drove home in tears. The newness of all this new territory is very raw. I recovered and was home with my smile for the kids. Then, cleaned the entire master closet. Came across a worn, crumpled t-shirt of H that smelled like him. I am laughing as I am writing this, but was literally smelling his shirt and crying in the closet. What a mess!

My weekend improved as I had GAL activities after that. I never realized how much staying busy and getting out of the house was helping me until this weekend.

My exchanges with H have improved. He has helped with a number of things around the house and has really stepped up his interest in the kids again. (All last summer when he was in total replay and hot and heavy PA, he did a 180 from wonderful father to absent and distracted father)

He makes eye contact with me. He will not touch me in any way. Avoids me like I'm contagious.

My new positive: I used to get all weepy/sad/mad/victim-y when my H would leave after visiting the kids since he's moved out. I would think: I'm sure he's going here and doing this, and seeing this person and my imagination would run wild.

Now: I think it's his loss. I am snuggled up with our son reading a book, sharing my day with D. I have a warm home and comfy bed. I make choices that I am proud of. I am happy and content with me. And just maybe, he's out driving around and wishing he had this, too.