TBH, I don't believe you have a drinking problem like some have mentioned.
I just think your constant questioning comes from just being unsure of yourself. Again, it didn't help that your H walked out on you in the past. This situation with your boyfriend just brought all that out again and you're afraid to make mistakes.
No drinking problem and for the record, I've heard MANY people who say they are a social drinker. In fact, when one of my friends was going through a popular dating site, that was one of the selections as to what kind of person you are.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I will respond. Right now I need HELP, quick!! H wanted to have R talk today... just a short one, to which I listened, then spoke. He will be calling me shortly to finish up. I think I want to respond with a text: This is what my life coach friend suggests:
Thanks for your honesty today. Again you have left me with alot to think about. When you have finished exploring your friendship and are ready to discuss strategies for a successful reconcilliation to let me know.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
HELP!! or... Thanks for your honesty today. Again I heard things and have left me with alot to think about in valuing our intimacy/history. When you have finished exploring your frienship, and actually get help sorting through your confusion ...
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
HELP...or... Thanks again for your honesty today. It is really helping me to actually hear what you are really saying. Again you have left me with alot to process. due to your friendship, I feel that it is betraying the intimacy that we once shared. I really hope you get the help you say you want to get. Until then ...
I am afraid to word this poorly... I could use some help here. BEFORE he calls!!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
last one... Thanks for your honesty today. Again you have left me with a lot to process. Due to your friendship, I really feel that it is a betrayal to our intimacy. That it is not honouring our relationship. I really hope you get the help you need to help through your confusion and/or fears. Until then, I think its fair that we proceed with separation.
...........until then I think its only fair that we stop talking about reconcilliation/relationship until you konw what you want. <<<<< if I say this, he will actuall stop talking it out with me. Inspite his new desire to "communicate" (so he says)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
We can't really tell what was discussed from what you wrote.
I'm assuming he said he wants to explore a relationship with his friend. Here is what I see.
"When you have finished exploring your friendship and are ready to discuss strategies for a successful reconcilliation to let me know."
Controlling. Also tells him you're waiting for him.
"due to your friendship, I feel that it is betraying the intimacy that we once shared."
What betrayal? He's been honest with you. PLUS you haven't been "intimate" in a long time. You're trying to make him feel guilty.
"I really hope you get the help you say you want to get. Until then ... I am afraid to word this poorly... I could use some help here. BEFORE he calls!!!"
Hard to help when we don't know what was talked about.
"That it is not honouring our relationship."
He has no obligation to have to "honor your relationship". You two were friends not husband and wife.
"I really hope you get the help you need to help through your confusion and/or fears. Until then, I think its fair that we proceed with separation."
You should have kept those to points separate. Or at least say that you want to separate rather than saying that "its fair".
"...........until then I think its only fair that we stop talking about reconcilliation/relationship until you konw what you want."
He never really discussed reconcilliation with you. That was alot of self talk on your part. Again you've been doing it time and time again. In fact, I think I predicted that he would backtrack and you are going to get upset because you thought he promised this and that.
"<<<<< if I say this, he will actuall stop talking it out with me. Inspite his new desire to "communicate" (so he says)"
He did "communicate" with you. He just told you something which you don't like to hear. Sorry but that's what communication is like. Not all of it will be what you want.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
sorry if I was so confusing... I was writing out my thoughts.. I hadn't actually sent it yet. He did not express that he wants to explore this OW.
I made some changes:
Thanks for your honesty today. Again you have left me with alot to process. Due to your friendship, I really feel that it is a betrayal to that cherished intimacy that seems so apparant. I feel that it isnt respective of a reconcilliation or any relationship discussion. At this point, I think we should proceed with separation or if we are to have relationship talks that they be infront of a counceller who can help us sort our emotions and fears so that we are not continually going around in circles emotionally exhausting one another.
SENT.
I feel I valued myself and our 20 year history/intimacy in that message. I feel that we are unable to discuss further R talks without a 3rd party. I hope it doesn't come across as contolling in anyway. Just that I am responsible for what I am doing for myself. Not being available to massage his confusion.
Bond: I did not say anything that leads me to believe he has interest to "pursue".. but maintain OW friendship. He insists it is NOT at all the whirlwind start like us. Also.. he has discussed reconcilliation.. ALOT
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
It would help if you explained what the conversation was about. From what you wrote it sounded like it revolved around his friend.
Just from what you wrote, you mindread and assume alot.
"Due to your friendship, I really feel that it is a betrayal to that cherished intimacy that seems so apparant."
A betrayal to YOU, not for him. YOU cherish it. It is apparant to YOU.
"I feel that it isnt respective of a reconcilliation or any relationship discussion."
I have no idea what this means.
"At this point, I think we should proceed with separation or if we are to have relationship talks that they be in front of a counceller who can help us sort our emotions and fears so that we are not continually going around in circles emotionally exhausting one another."
YOU are exhausting the situation. Sounds like he just was being open and honest with you and you heard things that you didn't like. Again, that's all part of the control aspect with you.
I'm only going off the one sided conversation with no context, but if he feels safe enough with you to open up, you shouldn't shut the door by saying a third party needs to be there. If you do that, he will find someone else that he feels safe to talk to one on one. If he is confused, you can lightly guide him through that. However, you have to be strong enough in yourself to do that which is why we've been pushing for GAL, etc. I don't think you understood that.
Him opening up was a positive and he was probably just verbalizing things to himself to try and make sense of it all. That "third party" term that you want to introduce is your way of protecting yourself because you're not strong enough in your belief of YOU. It will close the door.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Actually MrBond, I am not fear basing. I am actually standing up for myself and being strong. Holding true to self value. I am finally strong enough in my belief in me... this is why I am at the point I am.
You are right.. I am hearing what I dont like, and I am responding by not allowing myself to be involved in R talks while he is entertaining another relationship. The only person I am controlling is me, from being roped into a triangle.
If it closes the door, I need to know that now. I am ready.. However, if the door closes so easily.. I am ready to know that he is not ready/willing to fight.
It is HIS relationship too. He admits and cherishes it ALOT and has vocalized it alot recently too. If it is so strong for him, let him prove it.
It is his words to state that: he cherises the rare intimacy that is so apparant in our relationship.
He says we are both exhausted of the situation. Although, he wants to keep the communication lines open. I am tired of "hearing" the same stuff.. Wasn't it Advina to suggest that I tell him not to bother with "talk" anymore.
I was greatful that he feels safe enough to open up to me... but the conversations leave us both in circles. And emotionally, I am drained. If he wasn't entertaining the OW, I would be more inclined to be patient and listen.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
