She left - My Story, First Post

[gogofo]

labug

No I do not. I have been considering looking for one, but the small community I live in presents challenges in even finding someone close or qualified.

Also I will admit I am hesitant about finding one because I always have been someone who thinks they can learn how to do things through books and other resources.

I will have to give outside help a serious thought though.

[Tarheel]

I will say that as much as I'm the type of person who thinks I can learn it on my own as well, I've found that going to a counselor has been beneficial for me. It's nice to get feedback from an 'independent' person and also someone else to share your story with. I never thought of myself as the type of person to ever go to a counselor (of course, I never thought I'd be in this situation either). I would recommend it.

[gogofo]

Yesterday the W called and showed up at my work with our taxes to sign. Had a neutral talk about taxes and I decided to try to make some love bank deposits.

Asked about her classes and the next round of papers/assignments she has to complete and offered support with kids to allow her more time if needed. Trying to decrease her stress. I never talked once about me, my job, or how I feel.

Finally I have been working on some communication skills so I sent a follow up text thanking her for taking "HER" time to take care of taxes. It was a fairly neutral thank you, but I emphasized that she took her personal time to get them done. Time had been an issue with her and I and our schedules; also I have been trying to hit her love languages as I learn more about them.

I now know that one comment or action will not fix us, so I am slowly hoping to make love bank deposits when possible. Not trying to force conversation either, just feeling the natural flow of the interaction and working with it.

Right now I realize that neutral interactions are helpful to our situation. Baby steps...

[gogofo]

Now it is time for the second hurdle of the month. The 25th is the W's birthday and I feel a little conflicted about what to do or not to do. Five weeks ago when she was upset she said she did not want to do valentine's day or her birthday. I respected her decision about valentine's day, with the help of the forum, and did not do anything for her.

Now two weeks later it is her birthday and I have some of the same feelings, but not as strong. I go back and forth between respecting her by not doing anything and wanting to give her a simple birthday card.

I understand that if the card was all lovey it would be a turn off, but on the other had I feel if I do nothing it may hurt our situation. I am going to make a card with our kids for her, but just don't know about what I should do.

To test the water for her birthday I sent a text to her yesterday hoping she enjoys her trip out of town. No response from her, but I am not surprised. Communication still has not improved, but not much time has passed by and the text did not really warrant a response.

I will see her on Sunday to exchange the kids again, on our original schedule we had a family dinner planned but I highly doubt that is going to happen.

Maybe the card from the kids will suffice as being from me also, even though I will not sign it.

The birthday will be tough for me and I assume for her as they were always an excuse to get both families together and have a large dinner that her and I would cook. I doubt she will do it this year as she is out of town the next two weekends.

Sometimes I think too much.

The good part is that right now I feel better about the situation than I did around valentine's day. I have been pinpointing problems with myself and working on them, not beating my self up as bad as I was before, and even loving myself and looking back on the marriage I can see things that I would want her to change also, not just me doing all the changes.

[gogofo]

After rereading through my thread and thinking about it, the reason I want to give her a card is I want her to know that I love her.

With her being a WAS I doubt she cares right now if I love her or not, all she cares about is how she feels.

I think she knows I love her, it is just that the limited contact it is a different dynamic for us.

I have had an awakening on how to better communicate and be a better me that I am anxious to show off... But back to the waiting.

Marathon not sprint...

[gogofo]

Just did the kids swap with the W and feeling a little emotional.

Found out that my grandma has LGL Leukemia this week, plus swapping kids around, plus being sick overnight with little sleep has the emotions hitting me a little hard today.

Discussion with wife was neutral. I told her about my grandma and got a little emotional, don't know who could not have though. She discussed what she has been doing and has her life planned out through April. I'm not going to lie, it hurts to hear her talk about her future without any plans that include me.

Going to leave the house and help my dad with his new tv so I can take my mind off of the sitch.

Back to the wait...

[Barrybran]

Sorry to hear about your Grandma.

Your wife's birthday - whatever ties into your situation at the moment. If you see your wife or pass by her home or work in the natural course of your day then go with a simple card. Just a "happy birthday, I hope you enjoy your day" or something similar. If she's not around when you pass by her home or work, drop it off and move on. If you have to make an effort to deliver a card, skip it and shoot her a text instead. As for the kids, take them to the shop and have the eldest choose a card or find some paint and make one yourself with their handprints. Just keep it about the kids.

As for the plans without you, that's no fun at all. It took me a while to get past this point. Keep reminding yourself that her life is her life and your life is your life. You'll eventually get on with yours, you'll allow her to get on with hers and things will improve. Keep following the rules and do things for yourself. Three months ago, my wife wanted nothing to do with me and went out without notice. Today, I still have a long way to go but my wife is talking about my brother's wedding across the country next year.

[gogofo]

Thanks BB, I did buy a card for the kids and did the whole hand print thing yesterday. Don't know why but my emotions are getting me today. Just wore out.

Tomorrow is another day, another day to be the best me I can be.

As far as the card, still on the fence but I may go and buy a simple card and give her well wishes as I would any friend.

[gogofo]

Yesterday decided to do some clothes shopping. This is a 180 for me because at one time I remember my W getting upset that I did not buy a flannel shirt that was $8 because I did not think I would get $8 of worth/use out of it. I liked the shirt and after about 15 minutes of debate I decided not to buy it.

I am down about 40lbs since last year at this time and feel good about the way I look. At 6'2" and 185lbs I am looking the best I have in my entire life.

Buying clothes was great and made me excited. I used to hate the process because I was body conscious since about 10 years old. At only $111, I think I bought $1,000 worth of self esteem. I smiled at myself in the dressing room mirror and felt excited about the clothes.

Thursday I am picking the kids up for the evening to go to my Grandma's b-day celebration and I will be looking good in my new clothes! I am excited to spend the evening with my family and even have an Aunt coming in from California for the birthday.

I am pretty much beaming today, even thought it is the W's b-day, and feel good about myself.

This buying new clothes 180 was for me, and I can now understand how women feel when they buy clothes, etc. Clothes were always a necessity for me and the wife has slowly tried to show me how much better I look with better clothes but I never made the effort myself. I have never went clothes shopping on my own in the 9 years we were together, she was always the motivation behind me buying clothes.

My self esteem is higher right now that it has been in years! I know I look good, I feel even better, and I am going to ride this wave and let it inspire more 180s and GAL techniques for me.

[Buddy]

Awesome post.

(My WAWs birthday today. I went with a small plain card from me & I also signed for our almost 2yo daughter. Message inside was short and sweet. Last year, prior DB and reading DR, I blew out and bought all sorts of things. I was desperate. This feels much better.)

Here's to 180s that last!