boy, do you ever "echo" alot of the "junk" i feel i have. i'm quite sick of hearing myself- thinking about this all, talking about it all-
YET- THERE YOU go, i feel in teh wrong skin alot tooQ!!
i have that stinkin hope- tho honestly, i do not know what exactly it is i am hoping for-
and LAST BUT NOT LEAST_ - I'M A PERson that relishes my alone t ime- solitude, etc. i NEED IT, RELISH IT- AS LONG AS I'M THE GUY PICKING AND CHOOSEING how much and when.
the mere KNOWING the choice is not mine Galls me- i can't put a better fce on it all than that. i feel like my choices have been seriously cut down and i don't like it. perhaps i'm spoiled- tho i'd never characterize myself as that. i accept mostly what's given me or falls into my lap- i don't make demands, i'm pretty low maintenance and a 'cheap date" in life- HOWEVER, i guess if i'm honest i'm spoiled in what i had, expected, would like to have, feel deserving of- call it what you will.
i love my solityude- when i chhoose it. i hate it hate it like mad when it's shoved down my throat. i can go along and live and take care of myself i'm pretty darn sure- HOWEVER, do i want to? heck no. i want what i want (like every other animal alive i think). is it selfish? well, i guess so in the sense that the survival instinct is , i guess, a selfish one if you get rite down to it.
i've spent soooo many years understanding and protecting and c aring for this guy- yeah, i know- it's who i am. anyway- that i find it hard to shut that off. i hate what he's become,is/always was but lied about- who the heck knows.
i hate not knowing- if i've been a jerk for 38 years or not. ifhe's been a liar for my entire time with hinm or not-
alot of crappola that floats around back there and on a bad day surfaces. i don't know how we squelch the knowledge forever.
idk if i can forgive all the way to the point of it never ever surfacing again. i have a friend- she's patched it up- it still floods back over a word or action or comment.
how we go forward - if we reconnect- all this unfinished business junk and no answers (like most of the important stuff in life- beyond our understanding or power to effect) life, death,lvoe, etc.
oh man-
anyway- i feel like a stranger in a strange skin too. i feel like h is a stranger in a familiar/strange skin too. yesterday and today- he's being so nice- and in general i guess past couple months. i am leary of it- i don't feel all warm and fuzzy when he';s nice. i am suspicious of it. wtf?? he is jokie and even was poking me in bed last nite - goofing around- i realized when he went to poke my stomach i didn't want him touching me. i think hey, i don't even know you- too familiar- just like one might on new dates. like, i don't want anyone going THERE UNLESS i know thenm and trust them and love them and it's mutual. how the heck wierd is that one?????
idk if i'll ever feel like i WANT TO feel all goopie over this man again- how the heck does one GO BACK there again??? i know, not for today. i fear i'll never 'BE DONE". I FEAR being done, and not ever being done. both seem like a sad place to be.
i guess- the fog- the depression (some mornings i wake up and want to cry. i've read that our hormone levels are wacky and mornings are bad for women. they sure are for me- i make myuself get up and get busy. i wonder sometimes if i'm a bit depressed- then i tell myself look at my mother, 89, bad shape- made about everything around, seems like she's been fighting and mad forever. maybe it gets her by in life- i don't want to be like that. i want to find something good every day. i still can- THJANK GOD.
IDK- JUST rambling around and saying all the observations you make- i feel like it too- exactly. good words to put it into
answers - duhhhhhh. not too many. still tryin to always make the list of good things- since i can always find some. it helps a bit- i look at the news and even feeling safe in my home and on our streets makes me think, yeah, i forget. l ife isn't so easy and carefree in alotof other places. etc
hope- tht little darn thing. i have a notion we're dead without it- maybe don't need a destination for it- just having it helps our brains continue. plans? idk, got none other than to achieve a place someday wehre i feel happy like old self.
h- idk, wtf is going with him. do i want him forever? am i marking time? i even viewed staying with him this morning- a first- as just another type of "job". who says you gotta love it? if it pays the bills and you can do it and do it right-
oh man- wierd perspectyive slant. no bottom lien tho- just a wierd little drive-by thought.
good luck- hang on man- we can "do" this i'm pretty darn sure.
the derpsession- i think it's just part of the deal. no kidding. i'd think we all get a bit now and then - and it's probably more normal than anything when we're grieving for this most im portant part of our life that has blown dodge, gotten lost, become unreliable- ruined our own happy little existnce or notion of what it is, etc.
