A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to stop walking on egg shells around H and just be myself. I was tired of the awkward interactions. It was simply painful and I am at a point where I am no longer watching him like a hawk to see if he may want to R. Here are some observations that lead me to think "that's interesting."
My H definitely mimics my mood. Since I have been more relaxed and myself, H has followed suit. No more really awkward interactions! H has even been playful towards me, which has always been his way to show affection (snow ball fight/wrestling, etc). For the past year, he has avoided contact like the plague, so this is a definite shift. I am not sure why and honestly I am not trying to figure it out. Just interesting...
While H was gone, I had a locksmith come in to change the locks on our doors and to fix two doors that were not shutting properly. The worked needed to be done. I just looked online, called and set up an appointment. When H returned, he noticed a new key on my key chain. I explained that I had someone come out and the reasons why (i.e. I was not trying to lock him out). He immediately said "I have a locksmith. Did you call him." Due to my H's job, he has a lot of house related referrals. But H left and I don't want to necessarily involve him. H started to complain that I should have asked him and that I probably overpaid and that his guy could have hooked us up. And then he looked at me, stopped mid sentence and said "Its ok. I understand why you called because the work really needed to get done. It was great that you were able to get everything taken care of and that any extra cost did not matter." My H actually stopped himself, realized that he was criticizing me, realized that it was not worth it and stopped. Interesting...
I also noticed a change in myself the other night. The boys and H were running around playing pirates. I was playing with S1 and getting him ready for bed. My H told the boys that it was mommy's turn to play pirates. I normally would have said no, I guess because it was a boys things and probably because I was annoyed that he was getting them all riled up before bed. This time I jumped up and started playing and running around. We all had a blast. I used to live by some crazy rules that I made up in my head. I know that it drove my H crazy that I lived by these rules and did not just enjoy the moment. I love that this journey has taught me to enjoy the little moments and to drop these silly rules and just live!
I say AWESOME!
This is the heart of, when you change, the R also changes.
It may change in any of several ways but I'll take relaxed, respectful, playful, fun over sullen, angry, resentful, fearful any day.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
