W said its over - Said I can't change her mind

[Duds3]

Text from my W this morning, "I'm not trying to hurt I just want this over and done with where we can both move on. Please just go sign."

Any suggestions on how to respond? Do I even respond?

appreciate all the help from y'all.

[Duds3]

Now my W just text me the email she sent me yesterday. To be honest I'm surprised she has not blocked my number from calling or texting her. Which I have not done but 2 times in the last 16-17 days.

How do you vets suggest I respond to her text, which was "I.m not trying to hurt you I just want this over and done with where we can both move on. Please just go sign."

I feel my W is very confused and making a huge drastic decision with emotions still running high, I would assume she is still emotionally charged, just doesn't make sense to me. It is really hard to maintain hope and faith. It seems like to me she thinks this will all just go away if the D becomes final. I would like to think she is hurting too. I would like to think she is experiencing some of my pain too.

I want to maintain hope and faith that she will be willingly to try again at saving our M. She is a very prideful person and I think knowing that she will be worried about what others will think of her if she returns based on all the drastic moves she has made. And I ask myself all the time, was her life really that bad? Was she that miserable like she says? Has what has been done really too much to overcome? Is the idea of M too much of a burden/pressure for her?

I still maintain if she didn't have her best friend to run to this would not be happening. I moved back here for her and would do it a million times over for her. All of my friends that were here before I left have moved on to other cities thru out the country.

Any answers/suggestions would be helpful. Looking forward to reading everyone's thoughts.

[labug]

I haven't read your whole thread but..

How is keeping her from doing what she sees is right for her going to help you? Do you think she'll become more angry or less angry? Will she take it as a positive from you?

I want to maintain hope and faith that she will be willingly to try again at saving our M.

You can sign and still maintain hope and faith.

She is a very prideful person and I think knowing that she will be worried about what others will think of her if she returns based on all the drastic moves she has made.

This is mindreading and although it may be true or partly true, it doesn't help you.

And I ask myself all the time, was her life really that bad? Was she that miserable like she says? Has what has been done really too much to overcome? Is the idea of M too much of a burden/pressure for her?

Accept that all of these things are true for her but they are not all your responsibility. You can take responsibility for 100% of your 50%

This is tough stuff, the only way through it is through it.

Work on you.

[AnotherStander]

How do you vets suggest I respond to her text, which was "I.m not trying to hurt you I just want this over and done with where we can both move on. Please just go sign."

Unfortunately it only takes one to D. You can't stop it. You can delay it through inaction, but that just creates resentment in the WAS. Don't hide, don't ignore, don't postpone. If you agree to the terms then sign and be done with it. D isn't necessarily the end of things, sometimes D is needed before the WAS truly feels the pressure lift.

It seems like to me she thinks this will all just go away if the D becomes final.

She probably does think that, but you can't convince her otherwise.

And I ask myself all the time, was her life really that bad? Was she that miserable like she says? Has what has been done really too much to overcome? Is the idea of M too much of a burden/pressure for her?

And what has fretting over those questions helped you to accomplish? Don't focus on questions that have no answers, you'll just spin in place. What are YOU doing to move YOU forward in life? What are your goals? What accomplishments will you look back on in a year? THOSE are the questions to ask yourself.

I still maintain if she didn't have her best friend to run to this would not be happening.

It absolutely would still be happening. All WAS's seek out "enablers" to tell them what they want to hear, if her BF hadn't done it then she would have found someone else.

[MrBond]

You keep avoiding the discussion. Go and get a L right away. Just text her that you are going to have your L look over things and to be sure you don't get shortchanged. That's it.

[Duds3]

Thanks for the updates. It's hard for me to fathom that our M lasted 5 months. It never had a chance to survive the good or the bad. 28 days ago my W is sitting in my lap to doin this drastic step. That doesn't even make sense. Can anyone make senses of that?

I changed as a person from the first of Jan till now. I'm not the same
Person I was in Nov and Dec. the frustrating thing to me is my W isn't giving herself a chance to see how I'm now. Why not give our R one more chance with us both being in the right mindset and fully understanding what each other needed. If it doesn't work out then at least we know we both did all we could to fix things before we walked away. I've done all I can think of to fix things or at least give our M a chance to survive. My W on the other hand is running from a problem that can be fixed and overcome. It's like they say, "if you break a light blub in your house you don't go but another house, you fix the light blub."

Is it even humanly possible to just completely rid yourself of memories or someone or something?

Thank you all for letting me vent and providing feedback

[Duds3]

Thanks MrBond. I will be meeting with a lawyer tomorrow.

[Duds3]

Struggling to say the least today. My feelings of being sad and alone have over taken me. I never had such a sense of helplessness or frustration. I don't understand why my W will not work on our situation, at least give it one more try. And the fact that 29 days ago she was sitting in my life talking about our future leaves a huge knot in my stomach. The thought of her being with someone else makes me want to puke. And it scares me to no end the thought of never being with her again. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on and she changed my life and made me a better person but why this? Why the drastic step of filing for a D? To say I'm crushed and hurt would be an understatement. To hear her say "she is not trying to hurt me" absolutely kills me. She could change this all in a matter of seconds but her stubbornness and hard heart are killing any chance. Our M deserves a chance to survive and flourish but she is refusing to give it any air to do so!

[Duds3]

Another question I have regarding her birthday, March 5. Do I text, call or email her wishing happy birthday? I have read about going dark, but is that the stage I should be at?

[AnotherStander]

Thanks for the updates. It's hard for me to fathom that our M lasted 5 months. It never had a chance to survive the good or the bad.

I was BD'd after over 20 years of what I thought was a happy M. And I've heard of BD after 30 and even 40 years of M. There is no answer to "why", because even the WAS often doesn't really know why.

I changed as a person from the first of Jan till now.

Good, but you've only just begun your journey.

the frustrating thing to me is my W isn't giving herself a chance to see how I'm now

You need to be patient, it'll take months before she starts believing your changes aren't just tricks to get her back.

It's like they say, "if you break a light blub in your house you don't go but another house, you fix the light blub."

Ah, but to you it's a broken light bulb. To her the whole house has burned down. When your house burns down do you go find another or do you rebuild? That's a much tougher decision than replacing a light bulb.