Oh, 3boyz, I know how you feel about being sick. aagghhh! When my kids were little, I think I was sick 5 times as much as before kids. (In fact, my H told me I was a hypochondriac . . . maybe he should have stayed home with snotty noses and germ little hands!) I will tell you it does get better!! My kids and I have each only had one cold this whole fall/winter (furiously knocking on wood).
I also think that working out regularly helps to keep you from getting sick, but you have to get well in order to start doing that!
Only 23 days left in winter. Hallelujah!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Good question blues! You are actually making me dig deep for this one
I am feeling more and more like myself. My sitch and my H are occupying less of my head space, although I know that it still needs a lot of work. When my H says crazy/selfish things, it no longer leaves me spinning out of control.
I have spent a lot of time thinking that maybe this is the way that things were supposed to work out. Maybe God has a different plan for my life, even if it is different from my plans/dreams. Maybe God knows that I deserve/need more love than my H had to offer. I feel like I don't need to fight as hard to hang onto our M. I don't feel as desperate as I did a few months ago. Don't get me wrong, I would still love for my H to be the guy that I grow old with and I will continue to stand for my M. But I want him to earn that love. And I understand and accept that my H may not be willing/capable of doing so.
Most of the time I feel happy and ok. I try to keep myself busy so that I dont have a lot of time to dwell on the negatives. This week I just would not let myself think about the fact that H was away on business with the OW. I just don't want to go there because it gets me stuck. Although I did talk about it this week in IC to try and work through the emotions so I am not completely bottling them up.
The last fews day I can been missing my H. I guess that I just miss having someone to share things with and worry about me. I just miss my BF. I was so proud of my progress detaching from H that I got frustrated that I was feeling sad and lonely again. But I realized on my drive to work this morning that it was okay. I am not really backsliding. Honestly, I will probably always care about my H and love him. I am not the one that fell out of love and left. I will also wonder what my life would have looked life if H did not leave and would have tried to work on our R. Those emotions will probably always be there.
I keep hearing the song "Say Something" on the radio and I feel like it was written for my life right now. If you have not heard the song here are the first four lines:
Say something, I'm giving up on you I'll be the one, if you want me to Anywhere I would've followed you Say something, I'm giving up on you
I feel like I am giving up on my H. I have given him so many changes to try and change and to save our M and our family. And he seems very content on living his life and trying to find his external source of happiness. I feel like I am slowly dropping the rope.
So I guess this is my question to the vets. Can I still let go of the rope even if those emotions (missing my H and what we used to have) are still there? I just cant imagine erasing all of those emotions based upon our 15+ year history.
funny, that song rings a bell with me too. When the kids find it on the radio in the car, I usually change it Sometimes I'll leave it there if I'm just driving alone.
its funny, my W said I was the one that wanted all this. I was the one who continued to want out. I responded that I wanted change. I tried to ask for it, didn't get anything different and continued to think about ways out of that situation. You're doing great. I have a lot of the same feelings. hearing from others during the past couple of weeks, that W has been spewing awfulness about me for a long time now really hurt. I felt like I was alone. I really was. It feels good to continue forward, but I too am haunted by a nagging feeling that I missed something...I don't know...Maybe its just my mind playing tricks on me.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
3 was just catching up on the rest of the thread. Great job. I am inspired by the work you've done.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to stop walking on egg shells around H and just be myself. I was tired of the awkward interactions. It was simply painful and I am at a point where I am no longer watching him like a hawk to see if he may want to R. Here are some observations that lead me to think "that's interesting."
My H definitely mimics my mood. Since I have been more relaxed and myself, H has followed suit. No more really awkward interactions! H has even been playful towards me, which has always been his way to show affection (snow ball fight/wrestling, etc). For the past year, he has avoided contact like the plague, so this is a definite shift. I am not sure why and honestly I am not trying to figure it out. Just interesting...
While H was gone, I had a locksmith come in to change the locks on our doors and to fix two doors that were not shutting properly. The worked needed to be done. I just looked online, called and set up an appointment. When H returned, he noticed a new key on my key chain. I explained that I had someone come out and the reasons why (i.e. I was not trying to lock him out). He immediately said "I have a locksmith. Did you call him." Due to my H's job, he has a lot of house related referrals. But H left and I don't want to necessarily involve him. H started to complain that I should have asked him and that I probably overpaid and that his guy could have hooked us up. And then he looked at me, stopped mid sentence and said "Its ok. I understand why you called because the work really needed to get done. It was great that you were able to get everything taken care of and that any extra cost did not matter." My H actually stopped himself, realized that he was criticizing me, realized that it was not worth it and stopped. Interesting...
I also noticed a change in myself the other night. The boys and H were running around playing pirates. I was playing with S1 and getting him ready for bed. My H told the boys that it was mommy's turn to play pirates. I normally would have said no, I guess because it was a boys things and probably because I was annoyed that he was getting them all riled up before bed. This time I jumped up and started playing and running around. We all had a blast. I used to live by some crazy rules that I made up in my head. I know that it drove my H crazy that I lived by these rules and did not just enjoy the moment. I love that this journey has taught me to enjoy the little moments and to drop these silly rules and just live!
good observations. It sounds like you're changing (for you) and that's great. I had a small feeling/realization in my workout class today, that I am beginning to do this. In the beginning I think I was more "going thru the motions" of GAL because that was how to get things resolved. I realized this morning that my GAL activities actually feel good for ME even if I don't R with W (at the moment I'd give my chances of R a very low score).
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to stop walking on egg shells around H and just be myself. I was tired of the awkward interactions. It was simply painful and I am at a point where I am no longer watching him like a hawk to see if he may want to R. Here are some observations that lead me to think "that's interesting."
My H definitely mimics my mood. Since I have been more relaxed and myself, H has followed suit. No more really awkward interactions! H has even been playful towards me, which has always been his way to show affection (snow ball fight/wrestling, etc). For the past year, he has avoided contact like the plague, so this is a definite shift. I am not sure why and honestly I am not trying to figure it out. Just interesting...
While H was gone, I had a locksmith come in to change the locks on our doors and to fix two doors that were not shutting properly. The worked needed to be done. I just looked online, called and set up an appointment. When H returned, he noticed a new key on my key chain. I explained that I had someone come out and the reasons why (i.e. I was not trying to lock him out). He immediately said "I have a locksmith. Did you call him." Due to my H's job, he has a lot of house related referrals. But H left and I don't want to necessarily involve him. H started to complain that I should have asked him and that I probably overpaid and that his guy could have hooked us up. And then he looked at me, stopped mid sentence and said "Its ok. I understand why you called because the work really needed to get done. It was great that you were able to get everything taken care of and that any extra cost did not matter." My H actually stopped himself, realized that he was criticizing me, realized that it was not worth it and stopped. Interesting...
I also noticed a change in myself the other night. The boys and H were running around playing pirates. I was playing with S1 and getting him ready for bed. My H told the boys that it was mommy's turn to play pirates. I normally would have said no, I guess because it was a boys things and probably because I was annoyed that he was getting them all riled up before bed. This time I jumped up and started playing and running around. We all had a blast. I used to live by some crazy rules that I made up in my head. I know that it drove my H crazy that I lived by these rules and did not just enjoy the moment. I love that this journey has taught me to enjoy the little moments and to drop these silly rules and just live!
I say AWESOME!
This is the heart of, when you change, the R also changes.
It may change in any of several ways but I'll take relaxed, respectful, playful, fun over sullen, angry, resentful, fearful any day.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I am now convinced that anytime I post something positive/interesting, something negative/annoying follows.
When I got home from work, S5 was complaining that his eye/throat hurt. I decided to take him to the clinic since S3 and S1 already have ear infections and tomorrow H has the kids and I know that we would not think to take S5 if he was sick. I decided to get myself checked when I was there because I refused to go to the doctors 4 times in one week. S5 went first and he is good to go, just a cold. I, on the other hand, have a double ear infection. I seriously have not had an ear infection since I was 9. The doctor says that she does not know how I am functioning because they are so bad. Guess it was a good thing that S5 complained because I would not have gone in myself.
I get home from the doctors late, exhausted and not feeling great and I get a call from H. H is calling to let me know that he is frustrated by the mom's recent FB activity. He says that he knows that I am not really on FB and probably have not seen it. Yesterday, I guess that my SIL posted a picture on BIL wall about how any guy can make a baby but it takes a true man to be a daddy. My mom commented on the picture pretty much agreeing. Today, my mom shared one of those clip-art picture saying things about how your life changes when you have kids. I can see that my mom got it from my cousin. H called because he was hurt that she is implying that he is not a good dad.
UGHHHH...Can I tell you how much I HATE FB???? I told my H that I am sorry if he was hurt by the posts. I told him that I know how much it hurts when people are unable to respect others on FB. I tried to validate because I know how childish people can be on FB and that feelings can get hurt. And I know that my mom does not have the best opinion of my H. However, she has kept her mouth shut this entire time.
Yet, it bothered me that H brought this to my attention and was annoyed yet OW still posts all over his wall. In fact, I had gone on FB for the first time today because S5's preschool director told me that she posted an adorable picture of S5. In the process of looking for the picture, I saw a picture of H and the OW on their business trip (someone else had posted it). It hurt more than my H will ever know. Yet, I did not call him and express my frustration about his not respecting my feelings/our children etc. However, he felt the need to call me and point out his frustration despite the fact my mom did not even directly say anything about him. I know that I should not have, but I mentioned this to H. He is such a hypocrite (I did not say that to him-just thought it). He cannot see beyond his own feelings/actions and only really cares when something affects him.
I am not sure why this bothered me so much and why I was not able to handle my conversation with H better...probably the lack of sleep and ragging ear infection. I am going to eat some ice cream and watch The Bachelor and hopefully get some sleep.
Any recommendations on how I should have handled tonight's conversation better???
