I feel a bit down. I think it's fear mostly. Fear because I have absolutely no clue who Smokey is anymore. I have not a clue how he will react to any of this. I could speculate, I could assume, wonder, come up with all kinds of theories, but, ultimately, I really don't know anything about his life right now and what to expect from him. It's like dealing with a phantom opponent. And, with so much at stake, that's very scary.
I'd love to think he is reaching his limit and this will, finally, be the thing that pulls him back into reality...but, I know that's naive and doesn't serve me well. I liked the feel of things getting easier and I don't want to lose this feeling/way of living. Our life is working here and I'm afraid he will turn it upside down again.
Then, there's that little part of me that says, "Maybe he was right all along. You can't do this. You can't earn enough to live in a house and support a child and one in college. Maybe you are really the leach he accused you of being. The one riding his coattails."
I hate that voice. I'm sick of that voice. I'm ready to dump that voice.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Sounds like we need another round!!! 2 more please!!!
Patience Heather... He WILL respond!! With the words you wrote, who could keep away from that!! He will respond!!
Repeat after me: He will respond! (PMA!!)
Goodnight...
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Heather I don't post very often, but I do keep up with some threads.
You are making good progress but you are still very defined by your relationship with Smokey. Maybe you have expectations about the latest text you sent?
I am not Job, with her experience and insight, but from all that you post here, that guy is nowhere near 'done'. You do need to drop the rope, get a legal agreement in place that spells out his obligations and protects you, and get on with your life. Treat him firmly and fairly, as you would wish to be treated, but do not pursue in any way shape or form. His relationship with his kids is his business, but in the longer run you will be glad you did all you could to keep it as open as possible. The rest is up to him and them. They tend to reap what they so, sadly. I really wish that my xh had a better relationship with his kids for their sake and his.
I do know how hard this is. And I made so many mistakes. I still do. I have such admiration for those who totally get on with their lives, and do not backslide, feel badly, or appear to do the stupid things I have done and continue to do. I have learned not to respond, but my xh can still get to me . . . . .
Heather, I think the "olive branch" was very nice and hopefully he'll think about it. You are still expecting him to respond back immediately or very quickly and you need to tamp down those expectations For one thing, he's going to have to sit on all that you've proposed and then to turn around after several emails and get an olive branch...well...he's going to sit on it for a while. He's going to be questioning why you send emails about bills and point out his responsibilities and then an olive branch. It's a pattern that you have, i.e., lash out, curt, or point fingers and then later on, an olive branch is offered in some fashion.
Here's the thing, the pattern exists and you need to break that pattern. If you want to have civil and open communications w/him, you will need to change the way that you communicate w/him. As others have mentioned, the tone of the words that we put on paper can be perceived in many ways. As I pointed out to you yesterday, I could very well understand the stance he took because I was sitting on the outside and could understand both points of view. When composing your emails or missives, don't send them right away. Let them sit for a bit and then go back and re-read them. If you think the wording can be perceived differently, change it. Put yourself in the shoes of the person receiving the missive and I think you'll understand more of what I am saying. The key here is to change the way you are interacting w/him. If you can find a way to change it, you won't need to follow up w/olive branches all of the time.
I think you both are reacting in a knee jerk way because of the perception of the written word. You both are wounded and when the feeling of frustration takes hold, you both tend to come back at each other in the only way you know how to get your point across, i.e., through the written word. Heather, you have the power to change the dynamics of how you want your interactions to be w/him. All you have to do is breathe and when you feel the need to be critical, point fingers, lash out, etc., step back and count to 10 and think about how you would want to be treated in that same situation. If you can soften your approach to him, I think you have a chance of working out the financials w/him in a more civil manner.
I'm not here to hit you with 2X4's because it's not my style, but I thought about your situation a lot yesterday and after reading and speaking to you, I think the key is communication. I'm not advocating rolling out the red carpet when it comes to visit or being overly friendly, but I do think being civil, i.e., just as you would the delivery man, is the first step.
Please curb your expectations because you and your h have been separated for quite some time and let's face it, you both have changed in many ways and now have to find a way to be civil, not only because the financials, but the girls as well.
BTW, I'm glad everything is on for the NC trip and I truly hope that you will leave all of the mlc baggage at home for a few days and just relax.
Just my 2 cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, I think we were both right yesterday. I received an email this morning.
Smokey: A dissolution is a negotiation between the two of us. The court will simply sign off on it as long as we agree on the terms.they wont decide on anything. we need to neg. the terms of our dissolution or it will take divorce proceedings and neither one of us wants to spend the money on that , cause it will benefit neither one of us. H
I don't hear this man wanting a divorce and I'm relieved. I think we can negotiate a dissolution.
Now, I got a bit snarky. No 2x4's please. I was a little insulted with the Dissolution 101 lesson and said so. Then, I sent this:
Me: Here's what I need. I need something in place legally in terms of the house and the support monthly. I'm tired of having to contact you when the numbers don't add up.
Can we start there? Those are the areas I'm the most concerned about in regards to D11. I need her to have a house and steady money coming in...If you don't contribute to D19's college, etc... This means I REALLY need the support in place so I can focus on other stuff. We can negotiate the amount, but I don't want to continue worrying about it monthly. I appreciate how you've been diligent about the house payments, that's made things alot easier. I really do appreciate it. I just need the other part of the support nailed down legally.
We can negotiate the other stuff.
Smokey: Not PO'd , just making sure were on the same page . Ten Years is to long. Ipropose four years on the house I will continue to make the payment. after that time you can have the house and all the equity in lieu of my retirement. I will pay support on Louisa until she is eighteen in the amount of 600 a month. You can have all the furnishings etc. This is my proposal.
My response (hardball):
What's that mean I can "Have" the house? I can refinance? Because that's not the same as having the house. We were married a long time. I was told I could receive a minimum of 7 years support. I'd be willing to go 8 years of support.
I'm considering the house payment support. So, that's $700, thanks to me (loan modification). If I buy you out of the house, I want it at the price the house is valued at today, not 8 years from now. Unless, it's cheaper then.
Based upon your parenting in the past the two years, I need $800 in child support and I want more time because of her Asperger's, age 21. Even in the best of circumstances, I don't see you asking to parent D11 regularly, aside from visiting. I don't know if she will be able to support herself at 18. And, I would like it written down that you help with college for HER, if she chooses.
At this point, the stuff in the house is already mine because you abandoned it 24 months ago. I know you will want certain things. Make me a list.
Agree to the above and I won't bring up the deferred comp, the money from Jeep sale I never saw, the co-habitating and taking another woman on vacay while still married and the money you didn't pay in support over the last 12 months, not to mention the money I spent on helping you, and helping D19 graduate high school. And, the months you've gone without contacting your children. All of which I doubt seriously your parents know about.
Obviously, if you made big purchases in the meantime, those won't come up either.
Recap: $1500 monthly 8 years spousal support 10 years child support.
Could do without the 2x4's. I told him how I feel and what I want. If I can get 1400 and the house for 6 years. I'll take it.
Insurance, retirement, etc... to be decided later.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I think you're confused. Try not to jump to conclusions about what he means - ask for clarification first.
I read his offer as this:
He will pay the mortgaqe for 4 years. After that, he gives you the equity in the house in exchange for your share of his retirement assets.
In that case, his paying the mortgage for 4 years wouldn't necessarily be part of your alimony. It sounds like it would be on top of your alimony?
Now, this may or may not be a good deal for you. You need to do the math. How much is his retirement account or pension worth? How much is the deferred comp worth (or, if he spent it, how much was it worth?). How much equity is there in the house currently? Depending on these factors, it might be a good deal to keep the house IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO KEEP IT AND NOT END UP IN FORECLOSURE, or it might be a better deal to split the house equity in a few years and split his retirement accounts.
The worst outcome is if you give up your interest in his retirement for the house, then fall into foreclosure because you can't afford the house - then you end up with nothing.
