Barrybran III - New job, new life?

[Lostforwords]

Hard work will get you over hills....a positive attitude will get you over mountains!

Good stuff B.....She will tell you about the day (or other things) when she wants. It is proper to ask her about her day, but not to pry about it. If you let communication flow out of each other due to a want of sharing instead of prying it out.....Communication becomes easier and a lot more substantial. Of course for the wife a lot of that depends on her trust in you.

Same with dinner....If she wants something specific, she can/will tell you. Otherwise it is cooks choice.....I hope you made some Mango Kangaroo Short Ribs. Rumor is they are excellent.

As for the text....I do the same thing. It really is just a respect for one's safety type thing.

As for our posts yesterday....check out recruit. See how he changed his normal behavior. Now you don't make those changes for a result....You change them for yourself. In recruits case you will even see the tone of his posting changed.

Time and baby steps B.....Keep an eye on the prize (and I don't mean the naked wife LOL)

[Barrybran]

Yeah I feel a lot better about where things are at. I knew trust was tied into communication but I guess I didn't really think that she wouldn't tell me what she was up to because she didn't trust me. It makes sense though; you confide in those you trust most and right now my wife is respecting the fact that I'm her husband but not really opening up to me like I'm her husband. Of course, she talks to me a lot more than she did three months ago so it's a platform to work from.

She did wind up texting me when she got where she was going and when she left to come back (I didn't ask for the return text). The texts were as short as humanly possible but at least I knew she was safe and she respected that it was a safety thing. She got home after we had all eaten dinner but she enjoyed the rissoles I made. Sorry, no kangaroo last night.

[Barrybran]

Kids are fun to deal with. The past couple of nights my girls have been fantastic at bed time. On Saturday, my wife wasn't here and they went to bed and went to sleep fairly easily. Yesterday, they were taken by a family friend for a while and gave us no trouble in the evening. My wife has been unresponsive when I've asked her her opinion on how to deal with our three year old so I conducted an experiment today.

Today, I went about our day as per normal. I gave the girls lunch and sent them to their bedrooms. I had a fair idea they would act up tonight and I wasn't let down. The three year old started so the two year old chimed in. The three year old has been extremely difficult of late and my wife did really well to ignore her. After about an hour my wife had had enough and went in. Long story short, both girls wound up out with us, my three year old falling asleep on the tiles at 10pm, my wife taking my two year old to bed just now at 10:30pm.

My wife really rattled my confidence a few weeks back with an incident regarding my six year old. Since then, I've asked her how she would deal with certain situations and she's not answered once. Instead, I've had to try and take on board the limited complaints my wife has had and develop a new parenting style. Funny thing is, when the kids are with me without my wife, their behaviour is excellent. I have some issues with the three year old but she'll grow out of it. She dares not throw the tantrums she throws when my wife is around. When my wife is around though they all act up to a certain extent.

Because of my wife's lack of response I've sat idle when my girls act up. I hate this because it is not the way I normally do things. When my six year old was three we employed a technique we learned on Supernanny and it worked brilliantly. I've tried all sorts of ways to get through to my three year old to no avail so now I just sit and ignore her. I know I shouldn't mind read but I really feel that my wife thinks I'm useless in these situations. I know that is my problem but I really do feel lesser in my wife's eyes. I do feel that I'm on the right track though and that my wife either has to learn to ignore my kids herself or ask my opinion. I know I can not "fix" my wife's handling of the situation.

So today's experiment was a success despite the behavioural problems. What I thought would happen did happen so tomorrow I'll remove their afternoon naps and reassess tomorrow night. I expect to have some very moody girls in the evening but I'm hoping they sleep. If that doesn't work I have another hypothesis up my sleeve.

None of this helps my situation directly but I know my wife and I will feel more at peace when we do resolve my girls' bedtime behaviour. My wife still appears to have little to no interest in me, particularly since last week, but I do feel that that will turn around when my parents leave. I could be wrong as I don't know what's going on in her life right now but she did seem more at ease when my parents left last time and I hope the same occurs this time.

[Barrybran]

WAS's are funny creatures. My wife has been more distant in the past week but as said in the last post, I believe it's more to do with my parents than me. She's still spoken to me, we've shared a couple of laughs but mostly, she's kept to herself. I barely saw her over the weekend and we've barely discussed it.

On Saturday she's going to a ball without me. No biggie, she wants to go and she's taking a friend instead. She's done as she's done with all the other events she's been to recently; bought a dress, found shoes, found accessories. It's adding up but it's making her happy so I let it slide. This morning, she comes out and asks my opinion on a headpiece for Saturday's event. What's more, she's asked my opinion on EVERYTHING she's bought recently, both prior to buying and when she's tried it on. Still somewhat distant, no inkling of feeling towards me but still asks my opinion. Good thing they shut mindreading down with DB because I'd be zig-zagging if I were to try and figure her out.

So here's to a happy wife come Friday when she receives her headpiece. Much like everything she's bought lately I'm sure she'll look fantastic with it.

[Barrybran]

I had two strange occurrences from my wife tonight. I mowed the lawn this afternoon and she noticed. My wife rarely notices anything. She is a master of tuning things out. I know a lawn is fairly obvious but so are three screaming kids and she can tune them out really well.

The second one I'd like some advice about. My wife went to turn the ceiling fan on in one of my girls' rooms. We knew that the girls had been tampering with the knobs on the fans and they've actually lost the knob and damaged the switch. Tonight, my wife discovered that the knob in the other girl's room was missing and she snapped at me. My first instinct was to just ignore it as its not worth fighting but then I got to thinking. I didn't remove the knobs, she rarely snaps at me for things that aren't my fault and hasn't done so in a long time so why tonight?

Should I let these events slide or should I be calling her out on her behaviour if I'm not in the wrong?

[25yearsmlc]

What goals are served by mentioning her being "wrong" and you being "Right?" There are times to stand up for ourselves and there are times to STFU.
CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY. I no longer bother arguing with my h about anything that is not with a divorce. If he won't put the toilet seat down after I've asked twice, with eye contact, then I drop it. That's easier on all of us. Is he "right"? No. Does it matter a lot? NO...

What are your 180s? Does your m have a history of score keeping? IF SO, do NOT bring it up or it's more of the same. Lose the scorecard. Put it down.

You are the WAS trying to save your m. (She's not here. Don't FIX HER! That is Not your job! Work on you)
YOU have to do what other LBSers do, which is to take that first step, and the next step, (and put your guns down.)

Then you take the next 449 steps...b/c you're the one working here trying to save your m, not her.

[Lostforwords]

B,

The knob is a good one actually....You can learn from this one. First, as 25 said, what goals are served by right or wrong? I don't just mean in your current situation, but also in a good marriage, with the kids, with a neighbor, or at work. It can be applied to a lot of situations in life. Just the other day I was watching Oprah and Ilyana brought this up......So many people converse from the stand point of right and wrong instead of "this is how I feel". If you want to change your dynamic of how you communicate, then the changes start with you.

So your wife snapped at you.....Or did she? I think she was more snapping at the girls, but you were just at the receiving end of it. She is more than likely frustrated with the girls behavior as of late (The poo instance, fighting bed time, and now the knobs). Things like this happen in a marriage, the difference is how one handles them. As I see it, you had three choices;

1-Keep quiet and do nothing...This keeps a fight from happening, but doesn't really solve anything, leads to resentment, etc.

2-Argue back....I think what happens with this one is obvious

3- Validate and Listen-....Talk calmly, get to the root of the problem, and works towards a solution. You don't take ownership of her anger (as you said, she was mad at something the kids did and not you), Listen and hear her frustration with the kids behavior, validate her frustration (All parents get frustrated with kids LOL), and then work together towards correcting the issue.

The choice is yours on how to proceed.....another baby step.

How did the "no nap" experiment go? Honestly, that is what we did with our kids at that age. Once bedtime became a fight, then nap time ended. The kids were a little moody later in the day, but they were so tired that bedtime was not an issue most nights. They actually fell asleep most nights earlier...So more quiet parent time LOL.

[Barrybran]

Thanks guys. It was definitely a listen and validate situation and I walked through door number 1. I ignored her behaviour and bought some replacement knobs online without saying a word. In terms of 180s, I'm not sure if this makes sense but there were two 180s in this situation; to stand up for myself and not accept that kind of behaviour from my wife towards me and to stay quiet and avoid making negative/critical comments, which by not saying anything I achieved the latter.

I have been pretty good by not mindreading but I was a little concerned that after being distant of late she snapped at me. It's not a pattern I wish to start. I understand that she was probably just frustrated with the girls and I was there. I do still think that my parents leaving (hopefully Thursday) will lead to better interactions with my wife but I do think things have stagnated between us so I try and monitor the positives and negatives as they come up. She had her head buried in her phone again (nothing out of the ordinary) but she did make small talk about the show we were watching and a hairstyle she wants to try for her ball on Saturday.

The naptime experiment was a big +1 to Dad :-D It's only one day but I'll take the win. My three year old was falling asleep on the couch around 5pm but it was an experiment and I was determined to see it through so I kept her awake. Like your kids, LFW, she was very moody but caught a second wind an hour later. The two year old powered through the day, had a little play at bedtime and passed out much earlier than usual. Overall, I'm really happy with how it worked out.

[25yearsmlc]

oh your parents are around? I missed that. That makes every little problem, bigger to a daughter in law. And they're your parents, so...

I don't know your financial situation. But visits by inlaws during a marital crisis, rarely do anything but aggravate the situation. Just saying...

[Barrybran]

Yeah we've found out the hard way. I started a job in June last year across the country and they came to help with the kids. Basically, all of our issues were prior to this but we hadn't dealt with them properly and they festered while I was away hence why I'm here now. I came home in November when my wife dropped part one of the bomb but my parents hung around. They left for a two week period in January and things were good, hence my optimism, though I did manage to mess things up in this time and we've been in this position since.

Last week I asked them to leave. They have a motorhome so Dad has had to spend a bit of time getting it back up to scratch and my wife and I have been fine with that. They'll come back for a couple of days mid-March and then we won't see them again until my brother's wedding next year.