I feel a bit down. I think it's fear mostly. Fear because I have absolutely no clue who Smokey is anymore. I have not a clue how he will react to any of this. I could speculate, I could assume, wonder, come up with all kinds of theories, but, ultimately, I really don't know anything about his life right now and what to expect from him. It's like dealing with a phantom opponent. And, with so much at stake, that's very scary.

I'd love to think he is reaching his limit and this will, finally, be the thing that pulls him back into reality...but, I know that's naive and doesn't serve me well. I liked the feel of things getting easier and I don't want to lose this feeling/way of living. Our life is working here and I'm afraid he will turn it upside down again.

Then, there's that little part of me that says, "Maybe he was right all along. You can't do this. You can't earn enough to live in a house and support a child and one in college. Maybe you are really the leach he accused you of being. The one riding his coattails."

I hate that voice. I'm sick of that voice. I'm ready to dump that voice.

"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson