I’ve been married for 16 years, I was 22 and H was 21 when we got married. I got pregnant on our honeymoon. (was told by Dr I couldn’t have kids). Our marriage wasn’t perfect we had issues just like most couples, Kids, money, family, past hurts. (H had really bad childhood, lost both parents and sister) I thought my husband loved me and would always be faithful. I never second guessed his commitment to me. He knew some issues I had from my past and he would never hurt me on purpose. H is shy and an introvert, has a very stressful job and works a lot of hours. When he would be distant he would always say he was busy and stressed at work. I would also tell myself that his childhood past was the reason he couldn’t be affectionate with me. That he loved me in his own way. That he didn’t have a father that taught him how to be a man and how to treat his wife. He is a great dad and he does what he needs to provide for his family. Even though we had issues I Loved him and I thought our marriage was okay. Boy was I wrong. On Sept 27 2013 my world came crashing down. For some time my H was being more distant not really wanting to talk to me when I would ask questions not going places with me spending more time on his computer or phone. I had asked him twice (the last time was a week before the truth came out) if he had cheated on me and both times he answered NO! I felt that there was more to the story so one day I went online to look at his phone log ( I have never done this before) what I found was the same number called 37 times within a months’ time for a total of 13hours of talk time. I called the number and a lady answered the phone. He told me he was working late that night so I decide to call him on the phone and ask him who the lady was, he said just a friend. So I called her back and sent a text. She told me they were more than friends and had been dating for a month. (Found out later that he was with her when I called him). Over the course of a few months I think I have the whole story of my husband’s affairs. Most of this discover is from me digging. H would lie when I would ask him Q’s just for me to later to find out the truth. H told me that he hasn’t been “in Love with me” for some time. Maybe 6 years. He would do things to appease me to make me happy not that he wanted to but then he would resent me for those things. He said he hid part of himself from me and has never really let me 100%. He admitted to watching porn most of our marriage some times for hours at a time. About 5 years ago he wasn’t getting what he needed from the porn so he went on a dating website and beginning talking to women. He meet one person once and she took care of his needs. He said it freaked him out and he felt so guilt that he stopped everything till last year. I was out of town with the kids visiting family and friends. He was at home working and he said he got lonely and he went to some porn sites but that wasn’t enough, so he went back to the dating website. He made up a fake name and created a different email address. Over the course of a year he meet 6 women in person, two he had sex with multiple times over the course of a year (once a month), the others he made out with, the last one he “fell in love with”. I’ve done a lot of things wrong, screaming, cussing, hitting, kicking, telling him to leave, then begging him to stay and throwing myself at him, calling the women to get their side of the story, reading emails and IM messages, seeing photos sent and received. It has been a very big roller coaster ride these last months. The things I’ve heard from these lady’s and the things I’ve read are stuck in my mind they wake me up at night, They pop up all the time, and it is really hard for me to push them down. I’ve lost over 20 pounds, I don’t go out much anymore I void friends. I keep comparing how my H is with me and how my H was with these other women. There are times I look at my H and I hate him and I feel sick to my stomach, in some ways I just want him out of the house. I think it would be easier to just start over fresh then try to make things work. H has cut off all communication with the women. Deleted dating profile and email (even though I hacked back into it) he gave me the password to his computer and his cell phone and downloaded find my friends on Iphone. H says he wants M to work and he is trying to work thur what/why he did what he did. He goes to IC to work on some of his issues and I go to IC to work on anger and bitterest. We went to MC for a month but therapist said H needed to work on some of his issues before we could work on M. Even though I see that he is trying in some ways I don’t know if it is enough for me to want to stay any more. My self-esteem and self-confidence has really taking a hit. He says he feels really guilt and ashamed of what he did, he can’t break thur the ice to the point where he can be intimate with me. That he feels so bad for the things he said to all those women and the things that he has done that he can’t just do those with me. I see it that he isn’t attractive to me and doesn’t want to be close to me. In some ways it feels like it did before I found out about the affairs. He told me about a month ago that when we fight he thinks about the last person. I asked him to deal with his thoughts and he asked me “How do I deal with them”. I told him that he should move out till he can deal with those thoughts. He wouldn’t leave the house. He told his therapist about it this weekend and she said he was being too honest and those kind of things he doesn’t need to tell me and he should wait and talk them out with her before he tells me.
I don’t know what to do any more. I haven’t read any of the books DB books. I guess one of my questions would be will the books help me since I’m the one that wants him to leave and he wants to stay and make it work.
