Magic, this isn't directed to drunkeness, but bad choices or mistakes in general. I have learned in my own life that when we commit an offense, there's usually not a lot we can do to change what has already past. We express our deepest regret and if there is anyway to repair damages, then we do it. We take ownership and do our best to never repeat it. Sometimes, there is nothing we can do to change the situation. It happened and it is what it is. We can't go back in time to erase it. We apologize. It is up to them to accept our apology or not. Do you have to apologize a thousand times for them to finally decide to accept it once? If the unforgiving party can't, or won't, accept your apology, do they want a sacrifice.......or what would they suggest you do to EARN their forgiveness? And let's get real here, the unforgiving party usually wants to see some suffering in you. So, they punish you by seeing how much they can make you grovel.
Like you, I always felt that I had to explain myself in everything! I suppose I felt my actions had to be justified. Sometimes an explanation may help clear up a misunderstanding, but otherwise, it usually doesn't help you that much in a personal offense.
I am not defending drunkenness or any other bad behavior. Like you said, we all have them. Your weakness may be my area of personal strength......and my weakness may be your area of strength. We live--- and have the opportunity to grow.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Honestly, this has been a two time occurance in the last year, due to my weight loss. I have not been like THAT in 20 years... I got sick. Sure, I will watch and be sure to eat before I do that again (reason for both occurances). I was not loud or disorderly. He is out of line. He is not the only friend who was there that night. None of the other friends are giving me grief. Thank you both for the concerns/responses.
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As I have just posted on Luke's thread... I have come to realize I have taken a healthy dose of "OH WELL" .... lets see how this goes. Let's see where this lands. I am not going to fret over the outcome.(new 180)...Same to be said with my R.
I have been "carrying" the weight of our "rare relationship"... I have been honouring it and trying desperately to "save" it. I am exhausted... I am tossing it into the wind. Let HIM "save" it, if he wants it.
I need to know this. I deserve to KNOW this!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I WAS that person to beg and plead and do EVERTHING I could to "fix" the situaion... every situation. You are right, I was apologizing a thousand times. And you are RIGHT, these people were enjoying seeing me suffer while I grovelled. Constantly feeling like I needed to explain myself. Constantly trying to "fix" whatever it was I did wrong. I have tried to explain myself away, many times. I finally am learning to give up. (180) Drunk or not! I now see that it hasn't helped in personal offence.
Thanks again.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Sigh. Since everyone has gotten sucked back into this thread, I'll put in my two cents. The incident with your friend shows that overall you haven't changed. Despite your protestations and arguments, you still seek validation and approval.
You just can't let things go. Even after you saw the mediator, not 2 days had passed before you were on here saying how great you were doing and if anyone had any thoughts/comments, etc.
And now this with your friend. If your friend is hard on you for acting drunk before, then that's his deal. Let it go. Don't keep telling people you are letting go. You get so riled up and upset at the smallest things.
"I have been "carrying" the weight of our "rare relationship"... I have been honouring it and trying desperately to "save" it. I am exhausted... I am tossing it into the wind. Let HIM "save" it, if he wants it."
This is something you just can't seem to do. You can't stop trying to control the situation. Even the incident with the OW. You mindread alot. He said he goes out with her, that's his choice. You don't need to tell him that it's either her or you. That's control.
"I need to know this. I deserve to KNOW this!"
Not really. You don't NEED to know anything. Just accept that certain things are outside of your control and that you'll never know everything.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Heather: I was calm, sad but calm... all day. I didnt start spinning again. Although, I can see where you say that when attacked, I DO start throwing slime until it sticks. The difference THIS time (with friend), is that I eventually gave up. I didn't keep persisiting. Maybe not quite the full 180, as I thought.. but maybe 150? A good start.
The thing is... is that I was always trying to "save" relationships. He has chosen not to forgive. His choice.
Bond:
Sorry you feel that way about all the above.
The point I am trying to make about needing to know this, and deserving it.... Is about me tossing in the towel. If he really honours our relationship and all the special factors about it, like he "says". It will happen on its own. I do not need to carry it anymore. Since he "said" all of this... lets see if he will put his money where his mouth is. The sooner I see or don't see it... the better I will be. I don't need to do anything!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
good morning MrBond ~~ Ive been thinking about what you said about control. I have been guilty of trying to control, in the past. This time I believe to be different. I am doing/saying what I am because of letting go. The opposite of trying to control. As much as I would want the outcome to go MY way... I am not manipulating it. I am dropping the rope. When I mentioned to h about my boundary. I was not giving him an ultimatum between her and me. I was not telling him he has to get rid of her. I was telling him, he cannot have me!
The way I said it to him was probably wrong, something along these lines:
If you are interested in time with her, reconcilliation is off the table. I was not saying this in any regard to control what he does.. but, merely to suggest that Im not in this equation.
Hope this makes sense.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"If you are interested in time with her, reconcilliation is off the table. "
Whatever your "reason" was for saying this, it's still control. You are essentially not giving him a "choice". It's either all in or all out.
"Hope this makes sense."
I've understood from day one EVERY explanation you give about everything. The only problem is that you really have a hard time seeing things from another person's POV.
I said it before and I'll say it again. All of your posts have specific patterns to them. Your validation, the constant explanations for why you do what you do, etc. You treat DB like a ploy still. You don't need to keep TELLING people you've changed and here's how, blah blah blah. You just SHOW it.
And your communication hasn't improved yet either. You said that you were going to try and repeat what some people suggest to you so you understand their POV better. That lasted a couple of days then it was right back to you defending why you do what you do.
The pattern is all there. That's why I keep saying you haven't changed.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
