I'm in, wife's out

[Bunches]

I don't know that I would read that much into the wedding ring situation. Whats the saying, believe none of what you hear and less than half of what you see?

As for Facebook, I completely agree. I had to turn mine off recently when my W removed married status and changed her name back to maiden name. Drove me nuts seeing posts every day so I quite looking and deactivated for now. Its a lot like going through emails or phone records. Those things will just cause you to read into things that you don't need to be thinking about. I started feeling better each day once is detached from media things that connected us. Just a thought...you might try staying off facebook for a while.

[trc2009]

I think for the time being I'll just leave Facebook be. Fortunately, I don't really act on anything she does/says on Facebook or bring it up with her. If I did, deactivating it would probably be necessary because it would break some of Sandi's rules. But as far as my wife knows, I NEVER look at her Facebook (I really don't look at it that often, usually only when she updates something which is probably once every couple days. Same as any other person I'm friends with).

She hasn't changed her name or her married status. I SERIOUSLY doubt she'd do that without flat out telling me that she's filing for divorce. We're having problems, but I don't think she's that callous.

But I've seen couples going through a separation/divorce that broadcast EVERYTHING on Facebook. That's definitely not us.

[trc2009]

And thank you for reminding me about the "half of what you see" motto. I've come to find that is so freaking true.

[trc2009]

When talking about "do not pursue," that gets so, so tricky when you have kids. In my case, my wife and I are separated. We split time staying the night at the house with the kids. Which makes it even more tricky considering we do interact quite a bit.

Right now, there's crazy tension between the two of us (which hopefully over time will pass). But as the LBS, I find that I don't feel like I need to avoid being around her.

For instance, we were never "modest" around each other. We'd get changed in front of each other all the time (as most married couples do). I was in the bedroom getting changed this week after work and I was in my underwear & a t-shirt. She asked if I was dressed before she walked in and I said I was in my underwear. She said she'd wait for me to get dressed. I of course didn't really say anything other than "okay."

Another example is the fact that she always cuts my hair. Usually I'm just wearing underwear when she does that. I asked her if she still wanted to cut my hair if not I could go get it done somewhere else. She said she didn't think that was a good idea because she'd be seeing me with hardly any clothes on. Now, I'm not in great shape by any means but I do think I have a decent body for a 32-year old man with a desk job.

I honestly don't know how to take that. Part of me wants to say, "honey, you've seen me in my underwear thousands of times, I don't think you'll go blind if you see me in my underwear again," but then again I understand the delicate balance we're at right now.

I just don't know if that's her way of distancing herself from me from a physical/intimate standpoint or not. In other words, her trying to keep herself from feeling attracted towards me. Back when I was doing all the wrong things in January and was asking for reassurances, I asked her if she was still attracted to me and she said yes. So unless she's having a PA (which I still think is highly doubtful) that has developed in the last 4 weeks (there definitely was not before we were separated), I seriously doubt she's become completely unattracted to me over that time (or maybe she has and it came quickly).

I will say though in full disclosure that she's had some issues with sex for a couple years now. We had tons of sex early on and even after our son was born. But it seemed like after she had our daughter, she just quit trying. Which I understand how the woman's body gets torn to peices after having a kid. I kind of chalked it up to that and never really pressured her too much for sex after that. We maybe had sex 3-5 times per month leading up to the bomb. And 90% of the time, she was just never really into it. She told me after the bomb that part of the reason she was more happy was the fact that didn't feel pressured to have sex (which I never pressured her but I think she meant it as her "spousal duty"). Obviously that was a kick in the pants.

Anyway, this is my first real post about the intimate/physical part of my M but I just wanted to get some input on this.

[trc2009]

Had a great weekend (but not necessarily with my M).

I stayed at the house with the kids Friday night, spent the whole day with them Saturday and Saturday night.

Went and did some really fun stuff with the kids on Saturday, came home, ordered pizza, and watched a movie. Nice and relaxing.

W came home late Sunday morning. I have been very upbeat and in a good mood for a little while now. We talked for a little while about what we did over the weekend, some financial stuff, and coordinated schedules for the week.

Then, for the first time since we've been separated she asked me "how are you feeling about this?" Of course that was very vague (which is generally how she brings stuff like that up). I asked her "how am I feeling about what?" She is bad about not being very specific. I feel a lot about a lot of things right now. She said "the separation." There it is.

I told her that I have actually been doing much better over the last week. That I obviously didn't like the fact that we're separated but I was actually in a really good mood. She said that she noticed I've seemed much happier. I kind of let her lead the conversation. She said she had a really good weekend too but she was tired because she didn't get much sleep (I know she stayed at her parents Saturday night).

I think she really wanted to make things more "definite" and make a decision on our next step (end the separation and work things out or start working toward a divorce). I've been very clear with her about the fact that I do not want our marriage to be over. She told me "I just want to be open with you about it and by no means is this my final decision but I think I'm still leaning toward a divorce." Which was fine for me to hear because I've assumed she was leaning toward divorce for weeks now and I've come to grips with that.

I told her the textbook answer of, "you know how I feel and you know that I don't want you to do that. But that is your choice and if that's what you want to do then I can't stop you." She agreed to that and made sure to clarify that it wasn't her final decision or anything like that. I assume that's a good thing?

She did ask me if I had schedule another individual appt. with the MC. I told her no but I'm probably going to see a PHD at some point about my issues with losing my temper (which is a huge thing with her). She said she talked to her IC about that and gave her the name of someone who specializes in that type of therapy. So obviously that's a huge sticking point for her if she talked to her IC about it and he gave me the name of someone who specializes in that.

She's taking an interest in that and I want to believe it's because she does want to see me take steps to working on that. Which I do want to and need to do that. I don't lose my temper often but when I do, it can be scary for the person on the receiving end (although I've never physically abused her). She couldn't remember the name of the IC that her IC recommended so I think I'm going to ask her this week if she can find that persons name for me. That would show her that I am taking her concerns seriously (which I am....it's not an act. I don't want to ever put her in a situation again where I scare her with an outburst).

We kind of left it at that. I can tell she is feeling a huge amount of guilt for leaning toward a divorce. She teared up a few times talking about it. I listened, gave answers that implied that I don't want a divorce but I can choose for her, and let her nod up and down in understanding.

That whole time with her yesterday was a huge step for me (maybe both of us...time will tell). I didn't seem too eager and didn't try to reason with her. Me going to IC is obviously something she'd like to see or she wouldn't have brought it up with me. She was able to let me know where she currently stands. Obviously I don't like where she currently stands but it's really not up to me. The main thing is that I didn't try to make her move from where she stands.

And all of this goes back to Goal #1 for me. "No more discussions that turn into arguments/fights." That was the first "serious" conversation we've had in a long, long time that didn't devolve into an argument and/or fight. I'm now on Day #10 of that goal.

[zew]

She was able to let me know where she currently stands. Obviously I don't like where she currently stands but it's really not up to me. The main thing is that I didn't try to make her move from where she stands.

You have done well with DB'ing this weekend. Congratulations. By your account, nothing slipped backwards.

As for FB, it is a tool of the devil ;-) My wife recently excluded me from getting her updates. A little depressing at first, but actually it helps me maintain PMA when I'm not getting constantly poked with FB updates from her.

[trc2009]

Talking more about social media and what not. I took my kids on a REALLY cool activity on Saturday. Had a bunch of pictures and posted them on Facebook. I had tons of comments about how cool that was and tons of likes. Even comments from her mother. I asked her yesterday if she saw the pictures of the kids. She said "I was with my mom when she was looking at them so I kind of had to look at them." I didn't say anything after that because I knew where it was going to go.

That pissed me off so freaking bad I wanted to vomit. Not because of me, but because she is so closed off towards me that she can't even bring herself to look at pictures of her kids and I doing something fun.

Yet, she has time to like every other picture her convict friend posts on his Facebook page.

It's sad really. I feel sad for her. I mainly feel sad for my kids. Heck, I even feel sad for myself because I wanted to do something good for my kids because lord knows their life has changed dramatically over the last month or two.

I'm not doing well today if anyone can tell. Fortunately, I don't have to see my wife today. But I can't help but think that she's doing EVERYTHING in her power to emotionally distance herself from me so she won't feel as bad about tearing the family apart.

[Scorp7]

But I can't help but think that she's doing EVERYTHING in her power to emotionally distance herself from me so she won't feel as bad about tearing the family apart.

I think that's pretty common. If your W wants out she likely doesn't want to face what she's doing to you or your kids. A lot of WAS seem to literally run away from problems in the marriage and then also don't want to face the damage that has done to their LBS or the kids.

The one that gets me the most is the idea that "the kids will get over it in time". That's totally wrong but it's a lie that most WAS tell themselves to make leaving easier for them.

[trc2009]

But I can't help but think that she's doing EVERYTHING in her power to emotionally distance herself from me so she won't feel as bad about tearing the family apart.

I think that's pretty common. If your W wants out she likely doesn't want to face what she's doing to you or your kids. A lot of WAS seem to literally run away from problems in the marriage and then also don't want to face the damage that has done to their LBS or the kids.

The one that gets me the most is the idea that "the kids will get over it in time". That's totally wrong but it's a lie that most WAS tell themselves to make leaving easier for them.

It actually disgusts me. The more time that goes by, the less respect I have for her as a person. I won't end the M because of our kids. I can get over this in time if she shows an honest and genuine commitment to working toward reconcilation.

Yesterday, she may have been "probing" a little bit to see if I was warming up to the idea that our marriage is actually over. Obviously she noticed that I have seemed happier.

She's not dumb. She knows if she files for divorce, it will cost money. She knows that if she files for divorce, she really doesn't have any grounds for it (not wanting to be married isn't grounds for divorce in our state). So her only hope is that I will agree to a dissolution. Which simply won't happen unless she just turns into a trainwreck who is having an affair or something that will push us towards divorce.

Again, it would make me sad for her if that is the truth.

[Scorp7]

One big positive in your situation is you have contact with your W, even if that contact drives you crazy right now. The more contact you have the more chance you have of turning your situation around.

It's likely been said several thousand times on this forum but it's true, the more you focus on yourself and your kids and not your W the better chance you have of turning things around. If she sees that you're a great Dad and a good guy she will very likely start to reconsider what she's doing.

In my situation my W and I have almost no contact at all. The only contact I have with her is via an email from her, sent through her Mother, every week or two. She has totally cut me off and I'm sure it's so she doesn't have to face what she's doing to me. She also doesn't want to see that I'm a great H and an even better father. It seems to be the main theme with WAW.