Same Song, Different Verse

[StilH2O]

After reading these forums frequently for the past couple weeks, I finally decided to jump in the boat, too. My story is pretty similar to many others, but I'll tell it anyway. Long story, short....

BD came on 11/17/2013 when I got the ILYBINILWY and "I'm done!" after confronting W following a real bad couple of weeks. Marriage hadn't been good for several years, but I didn't realize it was that bad either. Lots of hurtful things said to her over the years that she had never let go of and had been carrying around.

Last straw came after a pretty intense argument about two years ago ago. Apparently, she had made up her mind back then that she was leaving, but was going to wait until D17 got out of high school. She did a good job of keeping this from me as i was totally shocked at the BD.

After the long talk we had immediately following the BD, we agreed to try to work it out, but she warned it was going to take some time because of the wall she had built. However the next few weeks didn't seem like things were changing at all so I began to wonder if there might be more to the story.

Then a couple weeks before Christmas, I found some text messages on her phone that confirmed my suspicions. W claims it began with just friendly texting after our "last straw" episode, but had more recently escalated to dinner and eventually a physical A over time. I guess you could call this BD2.

Even though I was completely devastated, we again agreed to try to work it out. She agreed to end it immediatley with the OM and we began seeing a counselor together that week. After a few sessions together, W was having serious doubts on whether she even wanted it to work, so we began IC to work on individual issues.

W still insisted that she needed to move out to figure out some things for herself and if she wanted to work on our M. She stayed at our house for the next few weeks while she was getting her finances in order and then moved with D17 to an apartment on 2/1/13. Very little physical contact during that time, W said she just needed me to be her friend, which I did. I made it clear that I did not want the S but would respect her decision if she thought she needed it to work stuff out. I even helped her move her things to the apartment. We agreed to reevaluate at the end of March. We also agreed not to see anyone else in the mean time.

Detaching has been pretty tough because her birthday was 2/12 and then Valentine's Day on 2/14. We are really close to both of our families and I even went to her parent's to celebrate her birthday with her family. The kids and I took her to dinner and a movie on her birthday and I took her to dinner on Valentine's Day, but it was just friendly and nothing more. Since then, contact has been mostly just when necessary, but I did ride (she asked) with her and her sister to a basketball tournament (playoffs) that D17's high school is playing in.

We also still see each other at church and have agreed to meet every Tuesday for dinner to discuss any issues with our kids and/or families. D17's high school softball season is also beginning so we will see each other at games (it's a really small school).

As for me personally, I just got the DR book, but haven't started reading it. I've been working on making me a better person and doing the 180's WRT my issues that were causing problems in our marriage, and in my life in general. I have a pretty negative attitude and a quick temper so I've been working with IC on those.

Also because another issue she always brings up is the lack of affection and personal attention that I showed her, should I make some subtle attempts to give her compliments when I see her? I've also been giving her small hugs and little pecks on the forehead but they have been pretty platonic and she wouldn't accept anything more than that anyway.I hadwas having an A with a married man that she had become friends with while serving in their employee's association several years ago. Because this is differnt than the way I have been acting, is this considered a 180 or would it be pursuing?

I've also been working out a few times a week, playing basketball a day or two each week, doing a lot of yard work, spending more time in church and in my walk with God, and going out with friends here and there.

W says that she can see that I have made changes but is worried that I'm just doing what it takes to get her to come back and then things will go back to they way they were. I assured her that I didn't want to go back to what was either, because I can see that it should be so much better.

I still feel pretty miserable part of the time, but I am doing much better and try to project a PMA to W, kids and other friends and family. You guys that are able to hang in there for several months or even years hoping that your spouse will come around look pretty amazing to me right now. The short time I've been dealing with this seems like an eternity to me and I don't know that I'll be able to hold on for that long.

Looking forward to your comments and advice.