melissa - getting stronger!!

[melissag]

I'll have to look up the Allman Bros. song!

I know I'm being a moron right now . . . I really am trying not to.

I am hoping that with more detachment, I can get this stuff and put it to work for me.

I don't think I posted much of H's hateful crap. A lot of it is the scowling, glaring, the tone of voice he uses when he speaks to me. The texts about the kids or the finances or whatever business is at hand are (since I filed) often laced with biting sarcasm and snide remarks. Usually not outright offensive, but more in a P/A way.

I know it's not the "correct" answer to your question, but right now my answer is - Yes! It does matter that my H is being hateful. I will say I am starting to see how I have always allowed him to manipulate my emotions like this, though. And I know I need to stop, because he isn't going to no matter how much I blame him.

I'm not trying to debate your point - I know it is valid. I'm just being honest that right now I am still in emotional idiot mode and find myself wanting to blame my H because I am not sure I can overcome my emotions enough to really take control in this way. I'm working on it.

I do reread my threads and particular posts . . . I know I have a lot yet to do and learn. Sometimes it comes later rather than sooner.

[melissag]

Brian, up until about 4-6 weeks ago, I think I would have taken my H back, unconditionally, if he wanted to come back.

Thank goodness he didn't come back during that time.

Now I see things more clearly, and that ship has sailed.

Do I still want things to work out with my H? Yes. I do. But I can see that won't happen without a lot of IC for him ( and continued IC for me) and MC for both of us. And that is not what he is interested in.

If he were to say, "let's cancel the whole thing" right now, there would be a lot of conditions for me to say yes.

[melissag]

You think it's not in your control because you're not used to controlling your emotions with regard to him. That doesn't make it impossible. It's not easy but it requires taking the blame off him and letting him be however he's going to be.

Yes. You are right. This makes sense. Intellectually, now, I get it. Now the hard part - applying it.

It's not ridiculous at all that he does that. He knows what works with you.

I need to stop allowing that to work with me.

See any 180s you can work on?

I sure do. Thank you for this post, Ad.

[Underdog]

Hey Melissa,

I hope you can see all these gems for what they are - good advice. Detaching is the ONLY way you're going to get there. If you have to, put a rubber band on your wrist and yank it when you're tempted to engage with him. This man has known you for a long time, and knows full well what buttons he can push.

If you can't wear a rubber band, why not frame him as your most annoying client? I'm pretty sure at work you'd not allow someone to needle you like he does. So treat him like that - engage only on the topics that need to be discussed (the kids) and just leave him be with his emotions.

I truly believe that he's just plain mad YOU pulled the trigger first. My guess is that he never imagined you'd call his bluff and get sick of his crap first. Betrayed? Laughable. As someone told me here a long time ago, stop expecting this cat to bark! (Great visual if you can visualize that.)

You're getting some great advice, and all of it is spot on.

Take care-

Betsey

[adinva]

I would really like to see you stop insulting yourself Mel.

You're not a moron, and claiming to be one doesn't give you a pass. No one here's a moron, and this stuff is hard to learn but necessary. I know you don't think you're a moron, and you're trying to be cute. Please just square your shoulders and start practicing basic skills of detachment.

I suggest this to a lot of people. If you can get your hands on a copy of Pia Mellody's CD set on Boundaries, there's a great visual of how you have a conversation with someone where you keep your identity intact regardless of what the other person is spewing. That helped me a lot, and I think it would help you.

Skill #1 to try, just as one step. When he emails you something, look for the nugget of relevant information and evaluate the rest for whether you need to learn something from it or disregard it. And when you successfully disregard the useless or incorrect part and go on with your day, celebrate that. Record it or journal it somehow to reinforce your learning.

[25yearsmlc]

Honestly, I have no desire to get annoyed by everything my H does. And I agree, I think it is gross when people make rude remarks about their exes.

Right now,I just want him to leave me alone. He goes from super nice to cruel to rude to manipulative back to nice in a matter of 24 hours, and I am having a lot of trouble managing my own thoughts and emotions if I follow along.

I find that if I allow myself to see him as a genuinely nice person, I just get emotionally slammed the next day or hour when he spits his hate and blame at me. And I feel like I am once again on the H roller coaster.

2 quick thoughts...why not see YOURSELF as a "genuinely nice person" and go where that leads you? (away from any focus on HIM for one), and b/c you are a genuinely nice person, you won't react to every thing he says or does...

Also, our d16 is going thru a tough time (depression and anxiety beyond what seems "normal" even for a 16 y/o)

PART of it is related to unresolved issues she has with her dad, my h, for "ignoring her for 2 years", which is what SHE believes happened when we sep. (ouch) I am pulling her out of high school and we are doing "independent study" which seems to mean I'm homeschooling her but she gets to play varsity basketball.... b/c it is that scary to us/me.

Her therapist suggested, among other things, watching some TED Talks. I watched them with her and got a lot out of them myself.

So I pass them on, to you. From the 2012 series of TED, Amy Cuddy (How our body shapes US) and Scott Achor (positive psychology) both discuss over lapping topics. They're more than the standard "power of positive thinking/The Secret/Laws of attraction, which all seem to repeat old adages with new age language that some people find revolutionary...but have been around for a long LONG time...but I digress...

But it's about how WE see ourselves and how WE can change that, AND change our own behaviors,

and how to become the new improved, by DOING and SAYING certain things and how even our posture affects how WE see ourselves (we always knew it affected how others saw us, but the research (thorough!)

is showing a lot of external, 'outside in' changes are possible within us.

Very fascinating and worth watching...Netflix had it but maybe youtube does too, if you don't have Netflix...

more later...

[labug]

A couple of thoughts, the belittling of yourself, why do you think you do that, what are you protecting?

That was one of my self-preservation mechanisms, I wanted to take the first "hit" at myself. It was preemptive, if I belittled myself or judged myself harshly, I wouldn't be judged by others because I beat them to it. Remember that harsh judge I hear in your posts?

About dealing with your H, when he says something that gets you in the chest or the gut or the head, and you start to tighten up, stop. Picture your H with a fishing rod with line and a hook.

You can take that hook or not.

Some wise words from Anthony DeMello
“People mistakenly assume that their thinking is done by their head; it is actually done by the heart which first dictates the conclusion, then commands the head to provide the reasoning that will defend it.”
― Anthony de Mello

[PatientMan]

I'm smiling at this text from H:

"Why did you betray my trust by hiring the most aggressive D lawyer in town to file a petition without telling me about it first?"

He's really mad that you've pulled the rug out from under his feet because you've one upped him in this area in protecting your intersts. This suggests that there's a real underlying fear that he'll NOT be able to control the outcome of the D proceedings in his favor. Hmmmmm. He hates losing control of this process. So he is shifting the blame on to you. Isn't that interesting?

^^^Bingo!

melissa, your H had all of this planned out in his head, and you deviating from that plan is throwing him completely out of whack. He can't stand not being in control. He had this perfect exit strategy worked out, only now you aren't playing along.

Have you seen the movie "The Waterboy" recently? Do what Coach Klein does in the Championship game at the end. Picture your husband's ridiculous antics for what they are: the inexcusable temper tantrums of a child. Treat him like you would a child.

And for the love of Pete, detach from him AND this situation. If you have to go dark for a few days to help kick-start things, do it. Because what he says and does doesn't affect you. He is acting like a crazy person! Why would you let a crazy person...an irrational, temper-throwing child get to you? Pffft.

-PM

[melissag]

Just a little journaling . . . .

I made an interesting discovery today.

A few months ago, when I was still quite a mess with my sitch, I went to breakfast with my FIL and SMIL, without H or kids or anyone. I don't think I have ever spent any time with them alone before then, and my H had not only had many negative things to say about them, but also made it clear that they didn't like me, so this was a nerve wracking thing for me. With the help of PM and some others here, I was able to go into it with open heart and open mind, and I was surprised by the outcome. We had a lovely time. Before BD, I think I would have found an excuse not to go with them, or I would have gone in with fists up, ready to defend.

What I took from that was good, but still very narrow. I think what I took from it was that I needed to stop seeing them through my H's eyes, and to show them the real me without the defenses up.

Anyway. I am taking a class now that meets weekly and is about self empowerment - really for women in transition of some sort. Some are getting D, some are dealing with death of their parents or other loved ones, some have children who are leaving for college, or are starting a new career . . . you get the idea.

So one of the things we are doing is, each week, we draw a name out of a hat and get together with another member of the group. I was kind of dreading it this week, going back to to my old way of thinking - "she is 10 years older, she has been married 20 years, her kids are all older than mine, we will have nothing in common, I have so much crap to do, ugh I wish I didn't have to do this."

But I changed my thinking. I thought, who knows, if I go into it with open mind and open heart, maybe it won't be so bad after all.

Well, you'll never guess what happened. We had a great lunch. Even though we are totally different people in different circumstances, we had no shortage of conversation material, and honestly, I think we could have spent the rest of the afternoon chatting.

I realized as I drove away that in my past life, to do "what felt right to me" or "taking care of myself" was usually hiding from things that made me feel even slightly uncomfortable, which meant that I ended up missing out on things that could have been really fun, or enlightening, or even life changing; and connecting with other people.

I don't think that this woman and I will be BFFs, but I would definitely hang out with her again, and I am really grateful for what she taught me today, just by virtue of showing up, being herself, and being open to ME.

[bluesgal]

Ugh, I feel for you with the constant rollercoaster of H emails. Yuck. You are handling things so well. I like the idea of this class you are taking. Sounds interesting. You are taking all the right steps to heal and move forward. Your H stays in denial.