Sooo church, then I went shopping, lunch with friends, more shopping and back here now. Alone. DD is at parents for a while.
Rough day. Emotional day spent crying on and off.
Today, friends and church people have told me how much they have seen me grow (hence, tears). I recognized further growth too when I realized today that when i declined H's coffee time yesterday, I wondered if I did it for the sake of looking for his reaction. Not only was it empowering to be able to say NO. I did it with grace. I did it because I truly didn't feel like another coffee. I said No because I am burned out. This is a 180 for me as the old Magic, would jump through hoops for this time. H knows it, and I bet he was surprized.
Today... I realized more growth... I wasn't doing it just for the "surprize" factor, BUT for the fact that I just didn't care about the outcome. This realization did scare me today. That suddenly I don't care??? I wasnt afraid of what his thoughts would be on this. This is sooo not like me... and as much as it is empowering, its scaring me. I know its just a declined "coffee" for all of you... but, its super BIG for me.
That, and the fact that my friends see me attempting to focus more on my daughter and stepping out of my comfort zone to do so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ GM23 ~ Hi... Yes, my life vest in every way. I am super scared to swim on my own. But, I am learning. I am trying. ~~~~~~~~~~~
I am scared. I am trying to hold true to myself even if it means the end of a beautiful relationship. This saddens me to no end.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
It is sad. I feel the waves of grief too. But, they get smaller and smaller and the intervals become larger.
I think the hardest thing for me to grab hold of, earlier on in all this...the idea that our marriage/relationship of old is over regardless of what happens next.
At first, I grabbed hold of the idea that the old marriage was dead because I realized that this death was the only chance of our reconciliation. I needed to let it go in order to give it a chance to survive. Does that make sense? I needed to become who it was that God wanted me to be. In my old marriage, I wasn't able to do that--nobody's fault necessarily, but I was too dependent, too clingy, too scared to be alone, too much all around.
I like myself now. Earlier in the process, I couldn't ever envision being who I am now. I really couldn't. I so desperately wanted my H to come along. Now, I'm beginning to have moments of forgiveness where I'm able to see he is doing the best he is able for the moment and he just isn't the man I need in my life today. He isn't capable of being the right guy for me right now.
Hang in there Magic. I hear you growing. That's a good thing, but I know it involves pain. I'm sorry for the pain. It gets better. Keep focusing on you. You're doing great.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thank you Heather. Why are growing pains painful? (OUCH)
I believe I am at that pivotal point that you mentioned above. Still trying to let go of the idea that our relationship of old is over, and realizing that the only chance of survival is to let it go. AND... realizing that the new me, who God wants me to be and that the whole world is new and available to me. Its super scary & exciting... but still scary.
Like YOU, I was very dependent, clingy, too scared to be alone... too much everything.
I am liking who I am becoming. I want to be more patient and a better listener. Still working on that.
I agree too (scared to admit), that I know he is doing the best he can atm and he isn't who I need in my life right now either. He needs to grow the f up! I want a MAN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As much as I want to continue to grow and learn, at what point does the pain stop? or at least lessen? I thought that If I ever got to this point (where I am today), that It wouldn't hurt, but it still does. Im not talking about the pain of losing him, but the pain of acceptance and pain of holding true to my own value and values. Why does that hurt me? Its such a struggle, a fight within myself.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Thanks again Heather... I am struggling. Holding true to myself is an internal struggle a battle within.
a recent example: for years and years and years I have been pushed to the limit by so called "friends". I have been completely walked on and over, because I was "afraid" to lose these people. Yesterday, my friendship was challenged. I had expressed a sincere apology last week over my drunken behaviour. This friend insisted all week how wrong I was. I apologized again. This is drunken behaviour, pretty or not. Its not a reflection of who I really am. He insist I am wrong and now fears being around me and has concerns for our other friends. Our other friends have expressed they are not concerned (as they too have been drunk and said/did stupid stuff under the influence). I keep saying that we are all not saints. That he is no better. That he should know me better, laugh it off and actually defend me. But, he continues to judge. SO... I guess I have said and done all I can. I have apologized profusely, explained myself, etc. I must accept this, there is a cost. I must not continue to "explain myself" away. This is a 180 for me. Normally, I chase this situation. Im too exhausted and emotionally drained...or have I grown and will not accept this and am standing behind my words, regardless of the outcome? hmmm
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Heather has given you some great advice. It is hard to let go of what we "thought" we had. I struggle with the opposite- fiercely independent with difficulty expressing emotion. Sometimes, I wish I was more clingy.
It's great that others see your growth. Keep focusing on you and you will get where you are supposed to be.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
your friend is correct. and drunkeness is a lame excuse for bad behavior.
yes, we do things when drunk that we shouldnt do. but WE do them. and therefore it is a reflection of who we are. even when drunk we are responsible for our actions.
whatever drunken behavior you did, it was you. no one else.
what you do is who you are.
your 180 shouldnt just be that you dont continue to explain, although that's fine. but to apologize without making excuses.
your 180 should be to fully accept responsibility for your behavior (drunken or sober) and live with the consequences without making excuses. it was your choice to drink more than you can handle. it was your choice to do whatever you did while drunk.
one theme that runs through your threads is your attempts to avoid accepting responsibility for your actions and choices. or for your role in the demise of your relationship.
for instance, you'll say "Its possible that I "may" be" and "I agree I am likely trying to" by throwing in "possible" or "likely" it implies you dont fully accept responsibility for your own actions.
instead, you should say "yes i do this..." - learn to accept your responsibility, regardless of how ugly or painful it is to recognize. then either change the behavior or accept it, but dont make excuses.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Ken... I am not excusing myself from my responsibility. I DID do and say THOSE things... but it is NOT a reflection of who I am. I would NEVER ever say or feel that way I was behaving that night. It was the alcohol. As much as that is not an excuse, its the truth. I am responsible, because I apologized to those involved and they understood. IT was stupid fun drunkenness...Except to him, who is ranting on over a week now.
I apologized for my behaviour. WE have all been drunk and said/did stupid stuff while in that state. My behaviour was not any worse than anyone else. In fact, I was quite cute.
This friend is trying to be all high and mighty as if he has never behaved poorly when alcohol was involved. This is merely my point.
Yes, it was my choice to drink. Yes, it was my poor choice to not eat and continue to consume alcohol past a point that I am not used to. (I can normally drink like a fish, but since I have lost all this weight, its a brand new me!!) I wasn't aware that this^^^^ was possible with my new size. I know better now. I did not HURT anyone by my comments/actions.
When I throw in "possible" or "may be", it suggests that I am considering what the writer is suggesting instead of disregarding it. I have every intention of accepting full responsiblity, but I am still reviewing it. Trying to wrap my head around the suggestion. Not using it as an evasion.
THIS is very new to me... my 180 to accept that Yes, I do this. and to let the outcome fall where it may.
~~~~~~~~~~ He is acting/treating me like I am the only one in the world who has made drunken mistakes and not accepting my apology. I have been defending THAT...
He has no reason to be concerned....thats the part that is upsetting me so much. He should know better. He claims to be my friend. If the sitch was reversed (and it has been), I would shrug it off, laugh at it, and actually go to the defence for my friend. It was a drunken MISTAKE!! a mistake!! Sheesh. He should know me better!
He is concerned because he is
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Maybe the man is concerned because he knows that the behavior is not the way you would normally act and that's why he's making a big deal of the situation. Maybe he is very much aware that you drank too much and is trying to instill in your mind that your behavior went above and beyond what you would have done had you not consumed so much alcohol. Maybe it's time that you consider cutting back on the alcohol or giving it up completely. Maybe he truly cares about what happens to you and doesn't want to see you in that shape again. Maybe you need to rethink this...even though your behavior and what you said would not normally be a reflection of who you are when you are sober, it does stand out and people around you are seeing a different side of you and yes, alcohol tends to bring out those sides that we tend to keep hidden, i.e. it allows us to be more open and freer w/our behavior and comments and we don't have as much control over our behavior.
Let me just say this, he is being a friend to you because he's trying to hammer into your head that your drunken behavior was off the charts. He's trying to tell you that you were way out of line. That's what a friend does. He's trying to make you open your eyes and realize what you said and did. Yes, others do this stuff a lot....but not Magic. I would be proud to have this friend call my attention to my drunken behavior so that I would know my limits and not do it again.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
