Separated and on a Walk

[labug]

Hey Paul, you've had a quite an eventful couple of days. YOu must be exhausted.

Sounds like some decisions have been made.

Why do you think your W hid her smoking from you?

And about this:

I absolutely do not want this (I love being a H), but I will not be lied to and bad mouthed to my kids and my community, by someone who claims to care for me.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying you shouldn't D (or that you should) but D should be a clear choice, not a reaction. Can you reframe your words so that it keeps you in the center and in control of you?

Something like "I've assessed my current R with my w and my needs. I can best take care of me and my family by filing for D."

These may seem like little things but they keep you out of the "she made me do it territory."

[paul19510]

Hey Paul, you've had a quite an eventful couple of days. YOu must be exhausted.

Sounds like some decisions have been made.

Why do you think your W hid her smoking from you?

And about this:

I absolutely do not want this (I love being a H), but I will not be lied to and bad mouthed to my kids and my community, by someone who claims to care for me.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying you shouldn't D (or that you should) but D should be a clear choice, not a reaction. Can you reframe your words so that it keeps you in the center and in control of you?

Something like "I've assessed my current R with my w and my needs. I can best take care of me and my family by filing for D."

These may seem like little things but they keep you out of the "she made me do it territory."

Wow, Bug. Bullseye. yes, I have assessed my needs and that's exactly what had to happen.

Also, a counselor friend o mine proposed a theory that she has two conflicting things going on...1 she perceives herself as the 1 down in the R and in her others in life. I agreed. She make other people one down (me)almost as a reflection of that or to pre-empt being put in the low man position.

She also is in a lot of emotional pain, but has walls not to show it to me or others. based on comments from family and friends over the years that they felt her smiles were forced and you could "see the pain inside". She didn't hide it well. Next thing that was proposed, she actually wants me to take a stand and move forward. She cannot do so. too much going on. Again, I agree. I believe we are one of those couples that needs to push through this process.

I have to admit that I wanted to save this M with the conditions that she was able to come back and build a new life with me based on MY idea of a good life (affection, intimacy, acceptance). I'm forcing my views into this and trying o mold W into something she isn't. all the while complaining that I am unhappy with the status quo and want change.

time to let go. Time to let her know that I love her enough to let go. I have to work on me. I have to let her work on her. I am driving towards my own destiny. Again, there is no separation in my state. We are coming into a very expensive part of the year (horse show season). she'll have to navigate the financial part of that as separate. our family can't afford to do all that she wants and continue to save for the kids future. so yes, I have to drive this and I love your wording.

I see a lot about W in my words here. So again, I recognize that and must refocus on me.

I will say this to clarify my position on this again...not sure if it makes sense...I do not want to be divorced. however, I don't want to be married the way we were. She doesn't want to be married and she's not interested in changing the way we were. there's nothing I can do about that. time for change.

Thanks for keeping me honest

[paul19510]

journal: the gym was great today. it helped with relieving stress. Birthday is coming up on Thursday. I have dinner at outback with my kids. they actually set aside time for me this year. It felt strange. normally, I'd be given a time slot to work with and W made it clear that it was more a burden to go to dinner and we had to 'fit it in"....

I have to learn to accept things and be comfortable with people wanting to give things to me. I'm not yet.

hockey playoffs for S12 tonight. hockey Friday, Saturday and Sunday too this weekend. Wow. We're having fun.

[labug]

and about the smoking?

[melissag]

Paul, I think it is great that you are thinking about this from all sides, but I had to mention this:

I have to admit that I wanted to save this M with the conditions that she was able to come back and build a new life with me based on MY idea of a good life (affection, intimacy, acceptance). I'm forcing my views into this and trying o mold W into something she isn't. all the while complaining that I am unhappy with the status quo and want change.

In theory this is true, but I just wanted to point out that wanting affection, acceptance and intimacy in a M is not unreasonable. I hope that if your W doesn't come around, you will find that from someone else. Everyone deserves that.

[paul19510]

Paul, I think it is great that you are thinking about this from all sides, but I had to mention this:

I have to admit that I wanted to save this M with the conditions that she was able to come back and build a new life with me based on MY idea of a good life (affection, intimacy, acceptance). I'm forcing my views into this and trying o mold W into something she isn't. all the while complaining that I am unhappy with the status quo and want change.

In theory this is true, but I just wanted to point out that wanting affection, acceptance and intimacy in a M is not unreasonable. I hope that if your W doesn't come around, you will find that from someone else. Everyone deserves that.

thanks M I agree

[paul19510]

and about the smoking?

hi bug. Help I'm not sure which wuesfion you are asking me about smoking..can you ssy more ot rephrase?

[paul19510]

Oh bug...I think I see the quesfion. Why hide smoking.? If that's it...I believe and have come to find thar W was living differently ahen not around me. She also spent money I didn't know about. I'm finding out this was a pattern from before I met her....so I'm not sure that I specifically did something or said something thst caused an issue. I will keep looking wifhin fo ensure thst I stay in my oen sandbox and try to better things I can about me to be a better psrtner to someone some day.

[labug]

From upthread:

I spoke with W this morning and told her that I knew that she had been smoking for years, that many others knew and that she lied to me about it for years and asked others (including my D's) to do the same. its not the act iteself but what the act and the cover up symbolized that helped me decide it was time for next steps.

It seems significant that she told others but not you. Was there reason for her to be concerned about your response?

Maybe it was just the straw that broke the camel's back for you.

[paul19510]

From upthread:

I spoke with W this morning and told her that I knew that she had been smoking for years, that many others knew and that she lied to me about it for years and asked others (including my D's) to do the same. its not the act iteself but what the act and the cover up symbolized that helped me decide it was time for next steps.

It seems significant that she told others but not you. Was there reason for her to be concerned about your response?
Hi bug. Apparently thst and the fact th at shes been vetning her hurts about me and m to our kids for a kong time. They really had a bad opinion of me crom fhe stuff she said to them. Once I knew that fhere was nothing fo stand for. She flat ouf told my D16 that fhe only reason she stayed this long wa s because I msde really good money. I apologized fo my child thstbshe hsd bedn exposdd to that. Time to get healthy and leave this awfulness behind.
Maybe it was just the straw that broke the camel's back for you.