own buz 22:mediation to reconcilliation, hopefully

[makingmagic]

Thanks again Heather... I am struggling. Holding true to myself is an internal struggle a battle within.

a recent example: for years and years and years I have been pushed to the limit by so called "friends". I have been completely walked on and over, because I was "afraid" to lose these people. Yesterday, my friendship was challenged. I had expressed a sincere apology last week over my drunken behaviour. This friend insisted all week how wrong I was. I apologized again. This is drunken behaviour, pretty or not. Its not a reflection of who I really am. He insist I am wrong and now fears being around me and has concerns for our other friends. Our other friends have expressed they are not concerned (as they too have been drunk and said/did stupid stuff under the influence). I keep saying that we are all not saints. That he is no better. That he should know me better, laugh it off and actually defend me. But, he continues to judge. SO... I guess I have said and done all I can. I have apologized profusely, explained myself, etc. I must accept this, there is a cost. I must not continue to "explain myself" away. This is a 180 for me. Normally, I chase this situation. Im too exhausted and emotionally drained...or have I grown and will not accept this and am standing behind my words, regardless of the outcome? hmmm