Where is 25 with my slap upside the head? Harder this time, 25!!!
So do you think I should just ignore his last text and leave it at that?
He really gets me with this "I'll just assume terrible things about you if you don't talk to me" thing. Why the HELL do I fall for that? That's ridiculous. (Both are ridiculous - the fact that he does it and the fact that I fall for it.)
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Remember our caution to you about H coming right at you out of his foxhole? See for what it truly was...a desperate move on his part.
As for your stinking thinking about H's perception of you as the "evil" one for filing, I ask you...why do you give a flying f*ck about his FAULTY perception if you know your own truth? When one stands with full-confidence in their own truth, nothing can knock you over. Don't give away your own personal power. Own it!
'My H suddenly turned a corner and said that he is not immune to the fact that he is bitching about betrayal when he is the one who left, turned my life upside down and took away the future I thought I had. He said he recognizes that we have both been tremendously hurt in the R and he knows he has hurt me a lot, but that doesn't make him less angry about my betrayal.'
Using the STFU and KISS principles, I would have said to H:
"Thank you for sharing this. I can see how you would look at it in that way. I am sorry that you feel this way. It is my wish that you'll find some peace at some point. Hope you have a good evening."
This way, H will have ZERO ammo to counter you. You're validating him, yet not agreeing with him. Nothing about explaining your view or defending yourself. See?
Thank you, Wonka. Seriously. I hope you will keep reading my thread and giving me 2x4s, because I swear, it's not that I'm TRYING to be a dumb ass. It is just taking me a while to really get it. (Usually I am pretty quick on the uptake, but this is really testing me for some reason.)
Dusting myself off, ready for the next chance.
Bring it!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
My grandmother is now happily settled in her recliner watching the Antiques Roadshow. So am swinging by....
No problem, sweetie! As for your comment about being a dumbass....could've fooled me. Makes it the two of us. Have a pleasant and restful night. Goodness knows, you certainly need it tonight!
Melissa, you can only be on his roller coaster if you buy the ticket. Trite but true. You've said repeatedly you just want him to leave you alone and then you continue to engage.
Stop.
Read ad's posts again.
I see almost nothing that your H has written that sounds hateful. But I read it without the emotion you have attached to it. What would happen if you could let that go.
"Why did you betray my trust by hiring the most aggressive D lawyer in town to file a petition without telling me about it first?" I can say that if my H had hired the most aggressive D lawyer in town, I would probably ask or at least think, the same thing.
I would guess you'll come back with, "But, I know my H" and that's true but we keep hearing about the 2 sides of your H, how do you know read his individual text messages as being from the good H or the evil H? All the emotion and interpretation is coming from you.
Disengage. Buy a case of STFU.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug, you are right. I need to not engage my H. How do I do that when he is texting me about the kids? I guess the best I can do is just ignore the emotional part and answer the practical part (if there is one)?
I didn't hire the most aggressive D attorney in town. (My H likes to exaggerate to "make a point.")
I understand what you are saying, Bug, about interpretation, but in this particular case, my H acknowledged (and defended, and blamed on me) that he is purposely being hateful in his communications with me.
I will guzzle a big ol' can of STFU every morning from now on.
I have copied Ad's posts into my notes on my phone - I've read them many times and find that I am not in a place to really digest, but I am hoping they will click with me at some point.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Sweet Melissa...(do you know that Allman Bros song? I always think of it when I'm reading your thread. Wonderful memories.)
Anyway...
"I didn't hire the most aggressive D attorney in town. (My H likes to exaggerate to "make a point.")"
Thanks for the correction but does it matter?
I'll go back and reread your posts to see what I missed. But again, does it matter if he's being hateful? It won't when you have control of you. Throughout our lives people aren't going to treat us just the way we want them too. But we have a choice as to how we treat people and exercising that choice can improve our lives tremendously.
Again, read Ad's post, it's the heart of this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Honest question Melissa (I am 99% sure I know the answer). If your H wanted to cancel everything and get back together with you right now, would you?
One thing about this site is after you have been through this, you can read other people's sitch. You see things, because you have been through it, that they don't. A lot of the time, they see their spouse for what they really are and want nothing to do with them. Most everyone on here, if they read their own threads from start to finish, will see such a change in their views on their spouse and life in general. It's amazing how comfortable we can become in situations that aren't exactly happy. We cling to the past because the future is just so scary. As we look back at our life with our new eyes/perspective, how many people would choose to live like they did?
Bug, you are right. I need to not engage my H. How do I do that when he is
That's just it. You need to do what YOU do regardless of what he does...knowing what he might do...fearing how what he does will make you feel. He is not MAKING you do or feel anything by his texting, wording, discussions with your D at night. You are choosing certain thoughts about him that are driving your feelings all over the place.
You think it's not in your control because you're not used to controlling your emotions with regard to him. That doesn't make it impossible. It's not easy but it requires taking the blame off him and letting him be however he's going to be.
You are not required to engage him.
Also, you mentioned that
Quote:
He really gets me with this "I'll just assume terrible things about you if you don't talk to me" thing. Why the HELL do I fall for that? That's ridiculous. (Both are ridiculous - the fact that he does it and the fact that I fall for it.)
It's not ridiculous at all that he does that. He knows what works with you.
See any 180s you can work on?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
