I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Thank you TipAnna! I think yesterday was one of those days where it started off on the wrong foot. I was feeling more sensitive to all this. I feel like some days are like that. The wind blows a little and I fall over. LOL. I think what happens is I was feeling worn down, and so it did not take much for me to let it get to me. Your right, and I do feel a little better this morning. Nights with her here are just the hardest. I feel my chest and body tighten up as I come into the house with her here, or she comes in. Its always at night that it is the hardest. Its harder to ignore her presence in those times.

Like I know she wont be here today, and I am a little relieved. I know I need to focus on GAL, and I did go and workout after I posted and ate. It helped give me a place to focus the frustration. I did not really work out much before this all happened, but it has been part of my GAL, and it does give me a place to vent. I picture a better me, including getting myself into better shape. I am in pretty good shape, but a better me, in my mind would be stronger. I think there are a lot of reason why I am turning to that. Making myself stronger emotionally but also physically.

I am a pretty sensitive person although I try to hide that. Especially with matters of the heart. Separating myself from the reality of what is happening is pretty hard sometimes. What you have said is like taking the words from my mouth.

Nevertheless, I completely understand too...lol!! Why does she get the right to lock herself up and ignore you? SHE is the one who “did something wrong”, right? The only way to handle this is to let it go. I know it is hard because you are living together but remember that this “feeling” will pass. See how you reacted to her and her actions? That is the way you want HER to react, right

Yes! lol. AND, I know it wont happen, and in the moment, I still think it should. AND yet here I am today. The power of those feelings have subsided. Its not as intense. But when it happens, as moments gone by have, it feels like I am going to be stuck in that spot forever. This last sentence is how soo many times going through this have felt. Like in those heavy heated moments, when it is so intense and so painful, that I wont be able to catch my breath. Like I am about to go under. I am really trying to catch myself from letting that happen, and coming here helped. I mean, me resetting the wifi last night, was petty. I just reacted. I don't like that I did that. That desire to change a password. I mean I guess I was trying to force a reaction. I let her win, this is what I mean when she is around it is harder. When I am alone, recently, it has gotten easier to redirect myself, not easy but easier.

After all this, I don't think I will like rollercoasters anymore, lol.

I think I also and getting resentful. I mean I have some great things happen in my life just recently. I got a promoted, later I got a raise, my work is going to pay for me to go back to school to finish my second degree, I was selected for a senior leadership program, where they basically are going to guide me into a higher position. (I have been putting a lot of my attention into my work recently, which has helped, lol.) All things that should be cause for celebration. Things I would want to share with people and celebrate. I feel like, this, has overshadowed it. I mean I told people, but of course I wanted to tell her, and celebrate with her. But instead of feeling great, I am up and down. I am happy about what I have accomplished and I know I need to keep my mind there. It is just moments of extreme emotion that hit me.

You know, I just typed up this last paragraph about how her family and friends dropped me, but I deleted it because I guess I shouldn't even think about that. Better to keep from going down that thought process.

Anyway, Thank you, your kind words are heard TipAnna. I slipped, but I will get up and start climbing again. This analogy feels fitting for what this has felt like. Like an ant on Everest. Today is one hour at a time.