I'm in, wife's out

[trc2009]

Had a great weekend (but not necessarily with my M).

I stayed at the house with the kids Friday night, spent the whole day with them Saturday and Saturday night.

Went and did some really fun stuff with the kids on Saturday, came home, ordered pizza, and watched a movie. Nice and relaxing.

W came home late Sunday morning. I have been very upbeat and in a good mood for a little while now. We talked for a little while about what we did over the weekend, some financial stuff, and coordinated schedules for the week.

Then, for the first time since we've been separated she asked me "how are you feeling about this?" Of course that was very vague (which is generally how she brings stuff like that up). I asked her "how am I feeling about what?" She is bad about not being very specific. I feel a lot about a lot of things right now. She said "the separation." There it is.

I told her that I have actually been doing much better over the last week. That I obviously didn't like the fact that we're separated but I was actually in a really good mood. She said that she noticed I've seemed much happier. I kind of let her lead the conversation. She said she had a really good weekend too but she was tired because she didn't get much sleep (I know she stayed at her parents Saturday night).

I think she really wanted to make things more "definite" and make a decision on our next step (end the separation and work things out or start working toward a divorce). I've been very clear with her about the fact that I do not want our marriage to be over. She told me "I just want to be open with you about it and by no means is this my final decision but I think I'm still leaning toward a divorce." Which was fine for me to hear because I've assumed she was leaning toward divorce for weeks now and I've come to grips with that.

I told her the textbook answer of, "you know how I feel and you know that I don't want you to do that. But that is your choice and if that's what you want to do then I can't stop you." She agreed to that and made sure to clarify that it wasn't her final decision or anything like that. I assume that's a good thing?

She did ask me if I had schedule another individual appt. with the MC. I told her no but I'm probably going to see a PHD at some point about my issues with losing my temper (which is a huge thing with her). She said she talked to her IC about that and gave her the name of someone who specializes in that type of therapy. So obviously that's a huge sticking point for her if she talked to her IC about it and he gave me the name of someone who specializes in that.

She's taking an interest in that and I want to believe it's because she does want to see me take steps to working on that. Which I do want to and need to do that. I don't lose my temper often but when I do, it can be scary for the person on the receiving end (although I've never physically abused her). She couldn't remember the name of the IC that her IC recommended so I think I'm going to ask her this week if she can find that persons name for me. That would show her that I am taking her concerns seriously (which I am....it's not an act. I don't want to ever put her in a situation again where I scare her with an outburst).

We kind of left it at that. I can tell she is feeling a huge amount of guilt for leaning toward a divorce. She teared up a few times talking about it. I listened, gave answers that implied that I don't want a divorce but I can choose for her, and let her nod up and down in understanding.

That whole time with her yesterday was a huge step for me (maybe both of us...time will tell). I didn't seem too eager and didn't try to reason with her. Me going to IC is obviously something she'd like to see or she wouldn't have brought it up with me. She was able to let me know where she currently stands. Obviously I don't like where she currently stands but it's really not up to me. The main thing is that I didn't try to make her move from where she stands.

And all of this goes back to Goal #1 for me. "No more discussions that turn into arguments/fights." That was the first "serious" conversation we've had in a long, long time that didn't devolve into an argument and/or fight. I'm now on Day #10 of that goal.