own buz 22:mediation to reconcilliation, hopefully

[LoisB]

Magic,

It is sad. I feel the waves of grief too. But, they get smaller and smaller and the intervals become larger.

I think the hardest thing for me to grab hold of, earlier on in all this...the idea that our marriage/relationship of old is over regardless of what happens next.

At first, I grabbed hold of the idea that the old marriage was dead because I realized that this death was the only chance of our reconciliation. I needed to let it go in order to give it a chance to survive. Does that make sense? I needed to become who it was that God wanted me to be. In my old marriage, I wasn't able to do that--nobody's fault necessarily, but I was too dependent, too clingy, too scared to be alone, too much all around.

I like myself now. Earlier in the process, I couldn't ever envision being who I am now. I really couldn't. I so desperately wanted my H to come along. Now, I'm beginning to have moments of forgiveness where I'm able to see he is doing the best he is able for the moment and he just isn't the man I need in my life today. He isn't capable of being the right guy for me right now.

Hang in there Magic. I hear you growing. That's a good thing, but I know it involves pain. I'm sorry for the pain. It gets better. Keep focusing on you. You're doing great.