My H suddenly turned a corner and said that he is not immune to the fact that he is bitching about betrayal when he is the one who left, turned my life upside down and took away the future I thought I had. He said he recognizes that we have both been tremendously hurt in the R and he knows he has hurt me a lot, but that doesn't make him less angry about my betrayal.
He said when I filed without telling him, he assumed the worst. I asked what that was, and he said "that you were going to try to [censored] me over and take my kids away from me."
(Trying REALLY hard not to be so pissed off about that - what the F kind of person does he think I am? I would never do that to my kids.)
Anyway. I reiterated what I already told him. That I never wanted any of it, but since my opinion/desire about that doesn't count, and since it became clear to me over the past five months that my needs/feelings are irrelevant to him, I decided I needed to accept that reality and look out for myself and the kids.
(I wish I hadn't said that, I feel like it put me in the one-down position again.)
He wrote back,
"I'm not sure why you think you need to look out for your kids. I can also tell you that your comment about your feelings/needs/existence being irrelevant to me is also wrong. I've tried to be clear about this - my needs come before yours. For the first time since we started dating, that's what I'm doing. That doesn't mean that I don't care about you. Yes, I'm dating women. Yes, I don't want to be married. If that means I don't care about you, then so be it. If you're saying that because i slept with you after we separated, I'm sorry. I [censored] that up and I [censored] that up good. I did to you exactly what my Dad did to [Wife #2] and what I wanted to avoid. I'm sorry. I should have been a better person."
I am done with this convo, and wish I had never gotten into it. Ugh.
Now I find myself wanting to say something but am wondering if I am just trying to take control back.
I was very close to saying, "I don't think there is any point in continuing this discussion. I expect and want nothing from you, other than basic human respect when it is necessary to communicate about the kids."
But I thought better of it and came here instead.
I just want him to leave me alone. Reading the crap he says (a) is meaningless to me; and (b) just messes with my PMA and moving forward.
Of course the truth is, I WANT something completely different, but that is not available to me. And I just feel like, right now, I can't deal with him at all. I don't want to scorch the earth, but I want to unhitch myself from his wagon (great analogy W!)
No, my H is not evil. He is selfish. And he has a bad habit of assuming the worst about me. Even though you know what, I'm a really nice/good person. And even if there was evidence that directly contradicted his assumption. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or what, but it really hurts me.
I really just need to be away from him. And that makes me sad, but I know I have to do it. Because as much as I have grown and detached, I still haven't fully accepted this and I still let my H's opinions/words/feelings hurt me.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
