melissa - getting stronger!!

[adinva]

So, most of the post before that last one involved things you would require of H in order for your behavior to be different: him to leave you alone, him to act consistent, him to let you off his roller coaster. All of your thoughts and feelings belong to you, not him. That's what I'm trying to help you see. You control your thoughts. You decide to think he's silly or horrible or mean and your feelings follow. In survival mode: take what facts come to you and take appropriate action that is best for yourself and your kids, and try to stop focusing on how he's acting and how outrageous you think it is.

[melissag]

Thanks, Gineen. What it comes down to, really, is that I am angry with my H for telling the kids he was coming back back when we had the S talk, when (and he has acknowledged this) he knew damn well he wasn't ever coming back. It was selfish and cowardly of him to do that. Had he not done that to begin with, there wouldn't be an issue of whether he should tell my D9 without me, or give her a half assed answer in the middle of the night.

And you don't have to choose to see him as a genuinely nice person or as an evil person. Those are two big extremes. Don't place him in a category. Just take each interaction as it comes.

I don't think my H is evil. I think he is somewhere deep down a really a good person with a good heart, but he is pretty limited emotionally, and right now, he is extremely self absorbed. It's really hard to deal with because I don't want to think he's a jerk, but he sure does act like one most of the time lately. And when he acts nice, I am scared to believe it's real (the person I know he is or can be) because I have been smacked down too many times now and I just can't allow myself to go there.

At this point, I just feel like I don't even want to have any kind of conversation or interaction with him at all, because it's just too hard, and it distracts me from trying to get my own life in order. I spent almost an entire week recently in a complete tailspin and it was awful.

I feel really frustrated right now. I want more than anything to just have a regular conversation with my H. I want him to understand me, rather than making up his absurd assumptions about everything that all involve me being a horrible person. But even though he claims to want to talk about it, I can't. I know what will happen. I will come away from the conversation feeling less understood and much smaller than I did before.

I wish he really would go to the Australian bush for a while.

[melissag]

More rude text messages from my H today. I told him it is difficult to communicate when his texts are so hateful. He said it is my fault bc I made him angry by not explaining myself to him, leaving him to assume the worst.

(There are so many things wrong with that sentence, aren't there?)

So stupidly (wanting to be the one to try for the sake of friendly co-parenting), I asked what it was he wanted to know. He said,

"Why did you betray my trust by hiring the most aggressive D lawyer in town to file a petition without telling me about it first?"

I decided I am done with this. I really am. I don't know if this is bad DBing, but I said,

"That's not a question. That's an accusation. I am sorry you feel angry when I don't respond to you, but I won't accept being treated with disrespect."

So I got a whole mess of texts telling me that I don't deserve respect bc I don't act with respect, and I don't take responsibility for anything, and that if I don't own it I better not complain about him being mad about it. That I should want to communicate with him because I don't want him to be pissed off. (?!) Or I don't communicate with him because I want to piss him off, or leave him to assume the worst.

I am overwhelmed with the prospect of having to deal with this for the rest of my life.
(And maybe a little bit glad that I only have to deal with it as his ex wife and not his wife, now that I think about it.)

I can tell him to contact me only about the kids, but even that is laced with hate and sarcasm. Do I just ignore the fact that he is rude and disrespectful, and answer whatever the question is (assuming it needs one)?

My MO lately has been to ignore anything rude, and answer only respectful communications. Not sure what to do when it has something to do with the kids, though.

Also, he asked me for my login info for my Amex card. I don't want to give it to him because I don't trust him to have admin authority on my account (if he decided to be a real dick he could cancel the account with that access). I told him he could call to find out whatever information he needs. He said no, he wants to see MY statement (if he calls, they will only tell him information about his card and spending). And he's being rude about it.

I can't decide whether to email him the statement (at this point, I am pretty sure he is just going to go through and rag on me for whatever is on it) or just tell him to talk to my lawyer. I don't want to start sh!t, but I am tired of being attacked.

[melissag]

Bllaaahhh, what a crap ass day. Don't bother posting to me today, I'm just in idiot mode. Can I delete my whole thread and start over tomorrow?

[Wonka]

M,

Stealing a quick moment here.

Honey, you're not being an idiot, but being Melissa with all of your emotions being bashed left and right by H. What you can do is unhitch yourself from H's wagon. Otherwise, you'll be dragged all over the place like a ragged doll.

Disenage from H for a while and let the emotions cool down. Right now in the filing, separation, talking things to the kids, financials have stirred up all sorts of emotions on both sides. This does not necessarily make H the evil one. H is just operating from fear so his texts are all over the place and pushing all of your buttons like an Otis elevator.

There'll be a time when all of this will fade away into the distance and you'll both will learn by trial and error to co-parent effetively that works for all of you.

Hang in there, sweetie. We've got your back here.

[Wonka]

I'm smiling at this text from H:

"Why did you betray my trust by hiring the most aggressive D lawyer in town to file a petition without telling me about it first?"

He's really mad that you've pulled the rug out from under his feet because you've one upped him in this area in protecting your intersts. This suggests that there's a real underlying fear that he'll NOT be able to control the outcome of the D proceedings in his favor. Hmmmmm. He hates losing control of this process. So he is shifting the blame on to you. Isn't that interesting?

[paul19510]

M you are doing great. Just breathe...

[melissag]

Thanks, you guys.

My H suddenly turned a corner and said that he is not immune to the fact that he is bitching about betrayal when he is the one who left, turned my life upside down and took away the future I thought I had. He said he recognizes that we have both been tremendously hurt in the R and he knows he has hurt me a lot, but that doesn't make him less angry about my betrayal.

He said when I filed without telling him, he assumed the worst. I asked what that was, and he said "that you were going to try to [censored] me over and take my kids away from me."

(Trying REALLY hard not to be so pissed off about that - what the F kind of person does he think I am? I would never do that to my kids.)

Anyway. I reiterated what I already told him. That I never wanted any of it, but since my opinion/desire about that doesn't count, and since it became clear to me over the past five months that my needs/feelings are irrelevant to him, I decided I needed to accept that reality and look out for myself and the kids.

(I wish I hadn't said that, I feel like it put me in the one-down position again.)

He wrote back,

"I'm not sure why you think you need to look out for your kids. I can also tell you that your comment about your feelings/needs/existence being irrelevant to me is also wrong. I've tried to be clear about this - my needs come before yours. For the first time since we started dating, that's what I'm doing. That doesn't mean that I don't care about you. Yes, I'm dating women. Yes, I don't want to be married. If that means I don't care about you, then so be it. If you're saying that because i slept with you after we separated, I'm sorry. I [censored] that up and I [censored] that up good. I did to you exactly what my Dad did to [Wife #2] and what I wanted to avoid. I'm sorry. I should have been a better person."

I am done with this convo, and wish I had never gotten into it. Ugh.

Now I find myself wanting to say something but am wondering if I am just trying to take control back.

I was very close to saying, "I don't think there is any point in continuing this discussion. I expect and want nothing from you, other than basic human respect when it is necessary to communicate about the kids."

But I thought better of it and came here instead.

I just want him to leave me alone. Reading the crap he says (a) is meaningless to me; and (b) just messes with my PMA and moving forward.

Of course the truth is, I WANT something completely different, but that is not available to me. And I just feel like, right now, I can't deal with him at all. I don't want to scorch the earth, but I want to unhitch myself from his wagon (great analogy W!)

No, my H is not evil. He is selfish. And he has a bad habit of assuming the worst about me. Even though you know what, I'm a really nice/good person. And even if there was evidence that directly contradicted his assumption. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or what, but it really hurts me.

I really just need to be away from him. And that makes me sad, but I know I have to do it. Because as much as I have grown and detached, I still haven't fully accepted this and I still let my H's opinions/words/feelings hurt me.

[Wonka]

So sorry to hear this.

Try to remember this:

STFU
KISS

For the next few days, I'd suggest that you disengage from H totally except communications regarding the kids.

[paul19510]

Wow M great post. I would say many of the same things about my W. They are similar although she is more about her hobbies thsn OP.