melissa - getting stronger!!

[melissag]

Thanks, Gineen. What it comes down to, really, is that I am angry with my H for telling the kids he was coming back back when we had the S talk, when (and he has acknowledged this) he knew damn well he wasn't ever coming back. It was selfish and cowardly of him to do that. Had he not done that to begin with, there wouldn't be an issue of whether he should tell my D9 without me, or give her a half assed answer in the middle of the night.

And you don't have to choose to see him as a genuinely nice person or as an evil person. Those are two big extremes. Don't place him in a category. Just take each interaction as it comes.

I don't think my H is evil. I think he is somewhere deep down a really a good person with a good heart, but he is pretty limited emotionally, and right now, he is extremely self absorbed. It's really hard to deal with because I don't want to think he's a jerk, but he sure does act like one most of the time lately. And when he acts nice, I am scared to believe it's real (the person I know he is or can be) because I have been smacked down too many times now and I just can't allow myself to go there.

At this point, I just feel like I don't even want to have any kind of conversation or interaction with him at all, because it's just too hard, and it distracts me from trying to get my own life in order. I spent almost an entire week recently in a complete tailspin and it was awful.

I feel really frustrated right now. I want more than anything to just have a regular conversation with my H. I want him to understand me, rather than making up his absurd assumptions about everything that all involve me being a horrible person. But even though he claims to want to talk about it, I can't. I know what will happen. I will come away from the conversation feeling less understood and much smaller than I did before.

I wish he really would go to the Australian bush for a while.