3boyz, I am sorry that you are left with that crappy memory. I can't even imagine how hurt you must have been . . . and bug is so right. You deserve so much more.
You have so much good stuff ahead of you. Just keep living in the moment and loving those sweet boys of yours.
((((((3))))))
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
"I know that I have control over my future. If I decide that I want 4 kids, I can make that happen with or without H or another guy for the matter. Heck, there are celebrity moms out there that had babies on their own without a guy in their life. Not saying that I would do it, but the option is out there. While I can't force H to remain married to me, I can control the remainder of my life. I just have to make sure that I am not letting fear dictate my decisions."
Bravo 3B......Taking control of your life and future. Ownership of your actions and acceptance that other actions are out of your control. Very well said
I asked you before and I will ask you again (FYI...I will probably ask you yet again in the future)....What does your future look like and what do you deserve?
Bug - Your post meant a lot. You are right. I do deserve so much more than my H has offered me the past few years. I need the reminder that my H is not the only person deciding if he wants to be M. I have to really evaluate whether I want my H in my life in a role other than co-parent. I know that I have control over my future. If I decide that I want 4 kids, I can make that happen with or without H or another guy for the matter. Heck, there are celebrity moms out there that had babies on their own without a guy in their life. Not saying that I would do it, but the option is out there. While I can't force H to remain married to me, I can control the remainder of my life. I just have to make sure that I am not letting fear dictate my decisions.
My niece, who's about your age, is a single mother by choice. She has a great professional career with a Fortune 100 company and as with all things in her life she had a plan. When she got to a certain age with no R in sight, she did what was right for her.
She had a son and when he was 20 months old she had twins who are now 15 months old. She loves her life and is a wonderful mother.
I went to help her for a while after the births, she has her plate more than full but she's happy and loves her 3 boys.
Life is a series of changes, we can dig our heels in and say NO, NO, NO or we can accept where we are, figure out what we need and know that while heartache does happen, so does good.
We can handle both.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I asked you before and I will ask you again (FYI...I will probably ask you yet again in the future)....What does your future look like and what do you deserve?
My main goal is to be the most amazing mom possible to my little guys. I want them to have a wonderful childhood, regardless of what happens with the M. I have learned through this experience that part of being an amazing mommy is making sure that I take care of myself. My goal over the next couple weeks/months is to find a balance between the kids, myself and work. I used to feel guilty for taking time to myself, but I know that it is necessary to maintain happiness.
I am hopeful that no matter what happens with the M, that I can be friends with my H for the sake of the boys. I have told my H on numerous occasions that for it to happen, OW needs to be removed from his life. I am not sure if we will ever be willing to do that because it will impact his business (which is #1 in his life at the moment), but it is necessary for me to have a relationship with him beyond co-parenting. If he chooses to keep her in his life, I will be friendly when I need to interact with him, but the R will end there.
If I have someone else in my life, I want that person (whether it is my H or someone else) to be a true teammate. For years, my H was my teammate. We both worked hard, contributed equally financially and contributed to the home/child raising. Two years ago, when my H started focusing only on his career, everything changed. I want someone who wants to be home in the evening to eat dinner as a family, to help with homework and to go to games. I dont need a guy that is going to worship me or follow me around like a puppy dog. I actually like being independent. I just want someone who will be appreciative of the things that I do at work and for the family. I want someone who will be straight with me (good and bad), so long as there are equal compliments and criticisms. I dont want someone who feels the need to put me down to make themselves feel better. I also want someone who I can trust. I am not sure how this experience is going to influence a future relationship since I never thought that my H would betray me to the extent that he did. I really hope that I can trust someone again. I am hopeful that my H can be that person again, but if not my heart is open to finding someone else (not now but maybe in the future). However, they will need to be amazing to earn the right to be in my boys lives.
I know that I deserve someone amazing in my life. I honestly have never intentionally hurt anyone. My IC even keeps telling me that she cant believe that I have handled things so well with H considering the things that he has done to me. I DESERVE someone who will treat me with respect. I will not settle for anything less. Based upon my H's actions the past few years, he does not even deserve to be in my life at all.
I am DONE waiting for someone else to make me happy or for the world to give me a break. I am the only person that can change my destiny, so I will just keep moving one day at a time.
My good days far outweigh the bad ones. The bad days help me look deeper. I am on a good path and it is very much due to the amazing people that have helped me here.
Life is a series of changes, we can dig our heels in and say NO, NO, NO or we can accept where we are, figure out what we need and know that while heartache does happen, so does good.
Bug - I love your niece's story. It made me smile She is so brave and a huge inspiration. We only get one life to live so we cant just wait on the sidelines.
"My main goal is to be the most amazing mom possible to my little guys. I want them to have a wonderful childhood, regardless of what happens with the M. I have learned through this experience that part of being an amazing mommy is making sure that I take care of myself. My goal over the next couple weeks/months is to find a balance between the kids, myself and work. I used to feel guilty for taking time to myself, but I know that it is necessary to maintain happiness. "
Once again....your growth is amazing. Taking control of things you control.
The rest is just as good.....Defining the things you do not control. How you want to be treated in the future.
I wanted to add that this is key: part of being an amazing mommy is making sure that I take care of myself.
You can't be an amazing anything without this but we try, don't we.
I've also come to realize that children shouldn't usurp the needs of the marriage. It's a difficult balancing act because we all have to be so "busy" but if we believe the best place for children to be raised is in an intact, healthy family we have to work to make that happen.
I know I became 70% mother and 30% wife. Kids do require and deserve a lot of attention in the first years, it's almost an impossible task.
Just musing.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I've also come to realize that children shouldn't usurp the needs of the marriage.
This is so true. If only my H and I realized this sooner. I fully admit that we had a lot on our plate and our M came dead last. I now realize that our M was doomed because you need your M to be strong to keep everything else going. I kept thinking that if we could just push through my H's job change and those challenging first years with the kids, we would refocus on M. I just thought that we would recover at some point.
When my H changed companies, his goal was to work really hard to set up a business that would allow him more time in the evening and on weekends to spend with the family. We went through two years of my H working every minute of every day. He has finally set everything up exactly how we had hoped. Yet our family is completely broken because we stopped taking care of each other and became resentful. It svcks. We should be enjoying this time together, celebrating our accomplishments and family.
I am sooo ready for this winter to be over. I need sunlight, warm weather, the sound of the ocean and the end of the cold/flu season. My two littlest guys both have ear infections. I have been dizzy since last night and am coming down with some type of head cold thing. I swear that someone has been sick every day since before Christmas. This is really affecting my goal to start working out and catching up at work. Maybe I will pull up some pictures of the beach and pretend while I try and hold my head up at my desk
